When?

I'm tired of living half a life. Of being the single friend at every party and the single girl eating by herself at the restaurant. Seeing all the couples and families and pretending to be talking to someone on the phone...I'm ready to meet my other half and to finally feel whole; like I'm finally getting on with the rest of my life.

I want someone I can take pictures with and share with the world (ie: Facebook/Instagram) that I enjoy spending time with. I want the happiness I feel when I Am with him to be beaming off both of us in a photo that encapsulates how we feel in that moment and be able to post it wherever I please. 

I want there to be no doubt in anyone's mind that I am with him. 

I don't want to live in the shadows and fearful of my actions. I don't want to walk on eggshells or be afraid to say something wrong.

I want to be so strong in a solid relationship that I can be who I am and do what I want without having to worry. I want the trust that comes with being in a good relationship. I want the security.

I want to have someone to say goodnight to and someone to wake up next to.

Someone to come home to after a rough day and to just hug me when he can read on my face that I just need it. A man who will hold doors open for me, kill the spiders, carry the groceries and my worries when I'm feeling overwhelmed.i want someone with whom I can see a future with; marriage and kids who I can grow old with and not have to feel self conscious around. 

Someone I can get dressed up for and someone I can not get dressed at all with. I want to feel wanted and adored and needed and wanted. I want someone who wants to continuously surprise and impress me. Someone who is proud to be with me and vice versa.

When is it going to be my turn?

 

In Between

I am really great at being single.
I can do first and 2nd dates like a world class champion.
Once I am in a relationship I am the BEST girlfriend and that one time I was married, I slayed that wife shit!
What I don't do well is the in between.
Once I actually like a guy, and he likes me but it isn't anything official. After the first 3 dates and before it is exclusive but you know neither are dating anyone else either...the in between.

The in between is new to me.
When you were younger, you like a guy and he likes you, he is your boyfriend. It's always been that way for me. Since I've been single as an adult there is this new in between stage. It's taken me a long time to get to this point and I feel like I am messing it up! I like the security of a relationship. Knowing. I figure if you both like each other, give it a go, right? Well I guess some people dont want to jump into a relationship these days; they've been hurt before or whatever...we all have, but I know I've been on a lot of first dates and haven't liked anyone enough to even get to a third date in a very long time. If I find someone I am excited to see after a 2nd date, I want to jump head first and give it my all.

In an effort to not screw things up, I blog or text my bff in order to not text him. There is a "play it cool" phase now and I suck at it! I lay all my emotions out as I can't hold anything back and I feel I lay the pressure on thick and it might scare away a great potential.It's a fine line between showing interest and scaring off! I evidently have terrible balance. Luckily, I've found a potential that isn't afraid to tell me I am being ridiculous, which is what I need. I don't always have girly melt downs but when I do, he knows exactly how to humorously put me in my place and remind me that we are on the same page and things are good and going in the right direction. I have to take it slow in order to make it last and when I get lonely I just have to remind myself that this is how you do the in between and it will eventually get better; the in between doesn't last that long, I can get through this. I just get so excited to actually start my life (ie: boyfriend to fiance to husband then kids...) that I want to get started if I feel confident about the guy and our connection. I've only felt this way two other times; one I married and the other i was in a 8+ year relationship! I have good instincts when it comes to these things but the guy never wants to believe me. LOL

I wanna be THAT girl!

When I am usually referring to "THAT GIRL" I am generally referring to the annoying, screechy,  fake boobed barbie girl that fake tans and drinks cranberry vodkas or AMFs. I never thought I'd utter or write the words "I wanna be THAT girl" but in this case it's different....

How does one become the kind of girl that makes the guy WANT to be in a relationship? What do THOSE girls have that I don't? Is there a certain quality about me (or lack of quality) that makes me just the fun chick to hang with rather than the "I didn't know what I was missing before I met you" kind of girl? 

I tend to be the girl right before the guy meets "the one"; he hangs with me and has fun but never wants to label the relationship. Just wants to "hang" and "have fun". We end up fizzling out quietly and the next girl he meets changes his mind about relationships and he jumps head first into a Facebook Official "thing".

So I am asking, "Why not me"? Why do I always attract the non-commital types? The ones who are "busy with work right now" or "just out of a relationship and don't want to jump into another". The "I'm not looking for anything serious", "Let's just hang out and see where it goes", "I have plans for the next 3 weekends, I'll hook-up with you when I get back"or "I don't really have time for a girlfriend" guys....

I want to be the girl that changes a guys' mind about relationships and if I am "so awesome" and "fun" and "witty", "gorgeous", "smart", "talented", etc. etc. as I always hear from these guys, why am I NOT that girl? If there is chemistry, humor and hobbies in common, I don't understand why I wouldn't be THAT girl. What takes it from a casual "let's just let it play out" hang out occasionally thing into a full fledged relationship?

Back in the day, you like a guy and he likes you, you date. The end. He is your boyfriend until you decide he isn't anymore. There isn't a probation period where he gets to date you and gets all the perks without any of the commitment. This isn't a temp to hire position; there isn't (or shouldnt) be a trial run. I like to give one guy my 100% and it is hard to do when he is only giving 20% at most until he decides to be all in; but what is the incentive for him to be all in if I am giving him all I have? At the same time, if I don't give him all I have to offer, why would he want to be all in? I'm tellin' you; dating these days is just down right BANANAS! 

What special diet, regiment or procedure do I have to under take to become THAT GIRL just once?!!?

That time of the month...?

Not me,
Men!
All of them, lately!
For some reason I attract the emotional, emotionally unavailable or emotionally wrecked types. I stopped dating to re-group and concentrate on my new job but once I got in the groove and things started to become more routine and normal, I once again ventured out into the world of online dating. I tried being more open to meeting someone in real-life but once I realized everyone has their nose in the phones, even at grocery stores and gas stations, even after I ACTUALLY waved my arms around to try and get one hottie's attention to no avail; I finally accepted the fact that meeting someone organically cannot be forced and am not sure it is even possible these days.
I re-signed on the dating app POF, uploaded recent pictures, added very honest blurb and waited.Receiving messages didn't take long sifting through them to find actual potentials takes time. A lot of time.
There are plenty of messages that I see the main pic and straight away I am not interested  and I just delete the messages without reading. This might seem cold but YOU try being me and reading and responding to ALL the message! I used to operate like that, back when I was so afraid of hurting someones feelings but after years of this, you realize you can't make everyone happy and it will bite you in the ass and absorb ALL of your time if you try.  I look at it as being at a "club" and getting looks from men who want to talk; instead of looking away like I would, I delete. If I don't respond, I am obviously not interested. I do this to save not only my time, but yours as well...! Reasons I will delete include but are not limited to: Missing teeth, an ethnicity I am just not attracted to, 5'7 and below (I clearly stated I need a man who is taller than 5'7), any man with a shirtless profile pic.....
Once I find an actual contender, I like to try to focus and get to know him, in order to give it a fair shot. If I am not totally feeling it with anyone, I will juggle a few until one stands out. It is the usual copy/paste type of conversations and some will drop off once I am upfront and honest about wanting to look for something more than a one night hookup. Others will just vanish mid conversation and if they are still around after a week or so, we schedule to meet. Others will fall off at this point or string out the meet up date into future weeks in which time, I start losing interest.
One man, a couple weeks ago,  had made it to the meet up. Just so happened to fall on a day off just before the 4th of July and we scheduled a lunch date. Lunch dates are new to me but it went surprisingly well and we moved to afternoon drinks right after. We had a great time and I invited him to the park for fireworks, which was just down the street from where we were having drinks and I had already planned to go to with friends; he was down to just spend more time with me and it was awesome. Even sitting in traffic afterwards, we were laughing and having a great time! With high hopes, the date ended with a gentlemanly kiss and we parted ways, both smiling.
We had talked about seeing each other again but didn't set-up an actual 2nd date. (I don't think it's a good idea to make plans until at least the following day, and in this case I was so glad I waited.)
As I laid in bed after our date, I opened the dating app to view his pictures and re-read his profile. While I was on, I also deleted some messages from non-contenders. I closed the app and fell asleep.
I wake the next morning to utter chaos.
He had texted, multiple times, freaking out about me being online after our date.
Firstly; it's hypocritical. He would only be able to see me on the app if he too was on. Secondly, he had no idea what I was doing on there and was jumping to conclusions without first just simply asking me. Thirdly, the freak out in and of itself was a HUGE red flag to me.
I explained my concern and was very adult and thorough with what I texted (yes, texted since that was his method of choice, obviously). He continued to text with his assumptions and we were not able to see eye to eye on anything! I told him I didn't want this kind of relationship and left it at that.
A few days later he texted again to say he was sorry and that he had just freaked out because he liked me so much and was willing to jump in and be with just me.
After one date.
...And he wanted me to feel that same way.
I didn't.
I need more than one date with someone to know.
You don't really know someone after one date; even if it is a 12 hour date. He showed me more of himself in those texts that followed than on the date itself! How you handle yourself in a situation where you are unsure of something; whether you ask questions or just jump to conclusions and assumptions tells me a lot about how you operate in your day to day life and I'd rather the calm rational person who takes the approach of an adult conversation.
It sucks, cause I really did have fun with this guy on our 12 hour date. He seemed normal and relaxed and go with the flow. I could see myself with someone like him. It's been awhile since I've been willing to go on a 2nd date  with someone and I was. He just turned out to be emotional with too much baggage than I can carry.

Since this experience, I've found online that men are in this pissy ass emotional state! One guy on the app started off by asking me "how are you?"
I answered with "great, thank you."
I was closing up at work and planned to write more once I was finished but wanted to at least put out a response real quick cause he was online at the moment. Not 3 minutes had passed when I re-open the app to write more when I saw his response of "RUDE!  You don't even ask how I am?"
I just think everyone has my sense of humor and assume he is being playful...let me tell you now, he was NOT. He was genuinely upset with me for not reciprocating the "how are YOU?"...I tried to explain my side and situation at the time of first response but the damage had evidently already been done. He was obviously on his period!

Another this week had messaged me and right away told me to call him and listed his number.
I have rules when it comes to phone numbers. I don't give mine out unless I am interested in meeting someone and I don't call anyone I am not interested in because then they will have my number! I know NOTHING about this guy and he wants me to call him? Oh, also, side note; I don't like talking on the phone to strangers that want to date me. I feel it is super awkward like I work for a 900 number or something. I prefer to meet in person in a public setting first after texting for awhile and maybe swapping additional current pictures (non sexual) to see if it is someone I am interested in meeting in real life. Anyway; so this guy's first message on the app was just "Call me! XXX-XXX-XXXX"
I was in the process of writing him back 4minutes after he sent his first message and I get an alert he had written again. I copy/save what I was writing to view what else he said, and he was PISSED that I hadn't called him. 4 minutes had passed since his first message. 4. He had no idea where I stood on phone calls, he had no idea what I was currently doing and if I could even talk on the phone...he didn't care. He wanted it his way or no way.

One that got particularly ugly was the one who thought online dating was ONLY for hook-ups and was mad that I wanted more.I usually don't continue a conversation that is turning heated but I was bored on this specific night and he really got me upset. Even though it worked out for me yet, I am still a huge believer that online dating CAN work (it HAS to; at this point it seems to be my only option)...this fellows language was downright repulsive to begin with and didn't stop throughout the conver... nope, argument! He was literally angry with me that I wouldn't meet him and sleep with him!

There were a few others this week but these are the few that stood out in my head...

I have had to BLOCK more men this week than I ever have in my history of online dating. I feel the tides have shifted and I am now the laid back relaxed one while the guys are all emotional and picky. They're acting like little bitches and I don't want the drama! I'd rather be alone than in some kind of dramatic rollercoaster relationship where the man is demanding or jealous or can't trust.

 am still on though, so I haven't lost ALL hope...
I am hoping that it's just this week that has men in bad moods and things will calm down.

Striking out

Strike one: you move the meeting time up by an hour and expect me to be on time.

Strike two: you wanted to meet at Starbucks.

Strike three: you got there early and ordered yourself a drink.

Strike four: you didn't even offer to buy me a drink

Strike five: you remind me of an ex boyfriend to no end!

Strike six: you called me 'dude' during conversations!

Evolved...

What do you do when you find out the love of your life; the guy you always thought you'd end up with once he finally grew up - (but they never ever do)... Is moving 3000 miles away and the last guy that made you forget about said LOYL: if even for two days, tells you he is married with kids!

You drink.

While I am a smart girl and i am very much aware that my problems are not solved at the bottom of a glass, it doesn't hurt to let loose for a night (or a weekend) when your love life is in the shitter.

With all my might I am trying not to give up on love completely and it's hard! Hell, even honey boo boo's mom has a man! Two, even! How is this fair?

Again, smart girl here and I know life isn't fair but cmon...! C'MON!

Perhaps I'm too smart to take in a man. Maybe I am an evolved species of female that knows better. I've already procreated without a man (egg donations) so my genes will live on beyond myself, so maybe I have no need now to live the 'traditional' life which promotes marriage and babies in order to live a fulfilling, "meaningful" life.

Men are pigs. They are dirty and needy and with the exception of bug killing, lifting heavy items and ...well I suppose that's it; they are more work than necessary. 

Now, I'm no lesbian either; I enjoy the company of men but in small doses, and haven't found one that I want to spend more than 3 weeks with since I was 21 and met the LOML who hasn't grown up yet! :/

I'm now 33 and beyond the desirable years at any local hotspot. I have more curves than guys 23-30 can handle and too much experience has driven the rest away. When all else fails, the ones that actually make me laugh don't have a job and the ones with great jobs have no sense of humor! I can't win.

I don't think my expectations are set too high, which is what I hear ALL THE TIME. Do I have high expectations, sure. I believe every woman should! Are they too high? I don't believe so. 

I am looking for a man with a job. Someone that can make me laugh...all the rest can come with time! Honestly.

I'm a single female with lots of time on my hands do of course I gave an extended list but I'm looking for that guy that makes me want to throw that list out the window! The right one will.

Until then...I will enjoy my dirty martini, glass of IPA, hot Tati, glass of wine and shot of fireball in their respected establishments.