Like most in this life that have had a curve ball thrown at them, I am guilty of spouting this life mantra at any opportunity in hopes that I will someday fully believe in it's message; but too often I am faced with my own counter productive thoughts and it gets me thinking that maybe we get in our own way in thinking the grass must be greener to admit we have fucked up our own lives and this saying that has become so popular and well received is just a way for us to pass the blame onto something out of our control.
I had dinner with my ex husband tonight and while we got married too young, too fast and had our reasons for divorcing that (at the time) were total deal breaker, end of the world issues...after 11years, we still had that initial connection and comfortableness and not given our history, if this would have been a first date, who knows; it may have worked out now. The reasons we split, which was that I wanted kids and he didn't, were null and void now, given I was still without children and he had since considered a life and future with them.
Did we split because of that or because we were scared? Would we have worked out in the end, growing 11years older together? Were we really destined to stay together and it got messed up because of fear? Or were we really meant to fall madly in love and divorce after just 3 short years? Did it happen for a reason?!?
Thinking back on the last 8 years, have I really grown and changed so much? Has anything super amazing happened to me that wouldn't have happened if we had stayed together? I could have traveled the world with him as that Is all he wanted before he settled down with kids and has since done it himself; instead I was in a 7year off/on mentally abusive relationship that ruined me and have since been on date after date with random guys on different levels of terrible. I've floated through life without a map for years hoping I'd find the kind of spontaneous love we had at one point.
I've been through a lot in this life and one of the most difficult was the divorce. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing but looking back I am not so sure. Sure, we wanted different things at the time but I still don't have what I wanted, so am I better for it? Is there still a reason why it happened the way it did? Am I just not remembering everything that occurred to lead us to the breaking point, causing my recollections to be clouded by misjudgment? Would we have become broken at some point in the future had we stayed the course?
We can't live in the 'what if's', I'm aware, and I am sure that everything does happen for a reason but just for a moment picture it doesn't. Think about it. We only say that because we feel sad about something. What if everything happened the way you hoped. We'd never say it!
It's a moot point now; the ex wanted to meet to say goodbye as he got a great job up north and is moving in the next 2 weeks. We'd been cordial
Over the years and kept in contact here and there. Our issues with one another were circumstanial and never personal. He is a good guy and I wish him all the luck in the world on this new chapter in his life. While I may be on the fence about 'everything happens for a reason', I am adien believer in 'when one door closes another opens'!
While everything might not happen for a reason, one fact remains; we have to live with the decisions we make....and that's the truth!!!!
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