So Little Time!

"So many men, so little time" Is something a SEX IN THE CITY episode would say...here in the suburbs, I have so many plans, things to do, crafts and friends that I can barely find time to set a date for a date. My schedule the last few weeks has been so jam packed that I barely have enough time to breath let alone date. Now, don't get me wrong, I love all my plans and crafts; the problem however is it got me thinking....

If I can't even find the time to go on a date, how on Earth am I ever going to find the time for a relationship? I have become so set in my ways and used to planning for only myself and what I want to do that I don't know how anyone else will ever fit into my life at this point. Have I lost the ability to become flexible to someone else's needs?

I remember how it was when I was in a relationship and how open I was to doing whatever it was HE wanted to do. It was easy though because neither of us really had any friends other than each other. My life has changed drastically in the last few years, for the better...or so I thought. I have caught myself the past couple weeks (as my 32nd Birthday fast approaches), trying to talk myself into the idea of not finding a man or having babies and being okay with that. I don't fully believe it yet but I do see that I am becoming less and less hopeful.

They say that after 35 it starts becoming dangerous for myself and future offspring...I know a lot of women have children later in life and it's socially acceptable but it is not acceptable for my life plan that I've had since I was 5! I always wanted to have kids young and a lot of them. As I turn 32, my window is closing in daily. The older you are with dating, I see that relationships move quicker than when we were in our 20's but at this point I need to find a man; one that I actually approve of and love enough to actually have a child with (which has proven WAY harder than I ever thought possible), fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, buy a house...then have a baby, in that order, all within the next 3 years. I always wanted that timeline and to be able to enjoy each step. While it is possible it is not probable.

At what point do you give up on your dreams and be okay with a plan b?
I have wonderful family and friends surrounding me and I get to be an Auntie to so many of my friends' kids and they fill a little piece of my heart that can only be filled by children; another small piece of that puzzle is filled by knowing I've donated eggs successfully and there are children in this world because of me. If I never have my own to raise I will be okay...i think.

Sometimes I wish I was not so careful and smart. If I were to do one night stands or flings or hook-ups, I could have had a "mistake" by now. I could have fallen into a relationship with someone I thought was totally wrong for me but given a chance turned out to be the perfect guy. Have I missed opportunities by thinking too much? Do I need to lower my standards to get what I want and then is it even what I want at that point? Perhaps I've been too hurt by men in my life that I am incapable of thinking any of them measure up and will be good fathers. Maybe my deep seeded issues are finally catching up with me and I am just doomed.....