Bar Etiquette

This is an old post from 2006 on my "King's Things" Blog, thought it was still relevant, so posting here!

Okay...so everyone knows the bar scene is nothin but bad pick up lines and drunken good times, right?...well there are some things everyone should know. Here are some bar etiquette tips...

BAR BASICS

What to look for in a bar: 

* Signs of a good bar include lots of people, reasonably priced and strong drinks, places to sit so that you don't have to stand the whole night, and a noise level that allows conversation.  Extra points if it's spacious enough so that it can accommodate more than a handful of patrons and if it has enough different areas that you can escape particularly offensive clientele when need be.  While seedy is good, it should not be so shady that you suspect the guy sitting next to you could be a child molester. (ie:SIMI...Helen gets it!)

* If you hear an ad for it on the radio, stay far, far away.

* It must have quality bathrooms, and plenty of them, so you don't spend your whole evening waiting in line.  Any establishment with a cologne, perfume, or French tickler dispenser in the bathroom is to be avoided.

* Don't ignore the importance of lighting.  It shouldn't be so dark that you make a horrible, horrible mistake.

* If something is a chain establishment, run for your life.(Unless you have no other choice in your sleepy little town)

* "Ladies night" is a big fat no-no ... unless you're broke and have no choice

What You Need to Know About Drinks:
* Making friends with the bartender will ensure you a high level of service and possibly a cheaper one.  Tipping is key. 

* Do not drink anything with an umbrella, unless you're on or within ten yards of a beach.

* No body shots once you're out of college.

Miscellaneous:

* Know when to listen to your friends--they're always going to know better than you regarding your level of intoxication and your bad bar behavior.  Listening to them will up your chances of not making a fool of yourself.

* If you see that your friend is trapped in conversation with somone and is shooting you desperate looks, don't pretend you don't notice.

* Know when to stay home: Many an unpleasant night has begun because one tries to go out when in reality one actually needs to stay in by oneself with a good book and a relaxing bath.   Just because it is a Friday or Saturday night, one is not obligated to go out.  If you're not in the mood, do your friends a favor and stay in.  (However, if you have already made plans, you need to suck it up, go, and be cheerful about it.  If you need to duck out early, that's fine, but "early" means midnight or anytime there after.)

* Regarding double-booking:  Don't do it.

PLAYBOOK FOR THE GENTS

* Unless you are at a hostess bar, buying a girl a drink does not mean you have bought her attention. (Although, girls should not accept drinks from men with whom they are not interested in conversing.)

* Girls make it obvious if they want you to approach. Signs include:

• prolonged eye contact
• hair flipping
• intentional body contact (positive, not hostile)
  

 * I cannot overemphasize the importance of making eye contact before you approach a girl at a bar.  If you successfully pull off several instances of mutual eye contact with a girl (slightly longer than what you'd get if you accidentally locked eyes while scanning the room; it must be clearly intentional on each side), it's virtually guaranteed that you will not be shot down if you approach.  (All girls know to avoid prolonged eye contact with boys in whom they are not interested.)  If you approach a girl without first testing the waters this way, you do so at your own risk

* When approaching a girl, DO NOT use anything that may be construed as being a line.

* If you continue to be interested as the conversation develops, DO NOT only talk about yourself.  She wants to at least have the illusion that you are interested in something besides sex and would like to get to know her as a person.

* When you approach a girl whom you don't know, she is well aware that you are, at least initially, talking to her solely because you find her physically attractive.  Hence, comments focusing on how attractive you find her to be are stating the obvious and often irritating.  The point of the conversation is not to reiterate the fact that you find her attractive and would like to sleep with her (your approach already communicated that), but rather to establish some form of additional  connection.

* If you are not invited but choose to try to talk to a girl anyway, she may not want to talk to you. Respect this and be alert to signs that this is the case. If she does not want to talk to you, she will signal this by any of the following signs:  

• looking around the bar at other people
• excusing herself to find her friends, go to the bathroom, or go to another bar (do not follow her; this is STALKING)
• suddenly mentioning a boyfriend
• giving the shortest possible answers to your questions, especially using the word "neat-o."

If you realize that a girl   doesn't want to talk to you, do not be offended but politely and quickly   excuse yourself.

* If you suspect a girl is trying to get rid of you, do not say, "Are you trying to get rid of me?"  This is unacceptable and forces her to either be rude to you or lie.

* Do not buy any flowers from the flower man.  You do not want any girl who wants them.

* You may not grab any part of a strange girl's body.

* If you take her number, call. If you don't want to call her, don't ask for her number.

* When at an establishment that has people sitting and standing, make sure that your ass/dick are not in someone's face.

* If a girl wants you to kiss her, and she's smart, she will make it obvious.  Signs include: staring at your lips, initiating body contact, leaving pauses in the conversation that would provide ample opportunity for you to move in, maintaining a lot of eye contact, and positioning herself in a way that will provide ease of access.

* If you try to kiss her and she turns her head so that the kiss lands on her cheek, this is a crucial sign that you must not ignore (as seen numerous times on "Blind Date").  Do not repeat your attempt.

* If you hook up with someone and want to see that person again, call within 24-48 hours after the initial hook-up.

* Facial hair can be attractive, but stubble, a stand-alone mustache, and/or a soul patch are never acceptable.

* No visual violations, please!

LESSONS FOR THE LADIES

* Do not be the girl who can only have fun if there are potential hook-ups in the bar-- the girl who can't have fun on her own, simply enjoying the company of her friends.  If you only enjoy going out because of the possibility of attracting the attention of men, you just shouldn't be going out to bars.  Your bad attitude is ruining the evening for your friends, and they're too polite to tell you.

* Do not be the screaming girl.  Lower your goddamn voice.

* If you find yourself approached by a boy in whom you are not interested, you must handle the situation politely but firmly.  Note that not handling it at all is not an option; you may not act as if he's not standing there trying to talk to you (this is mean), but you also may not allow yourself to get sucked in to spending the whole night talking to someone you don't want to be speaking to.  Acceptable options for signaling that you do not wish to pursue the conversation include:

• encouraging him to relocate, by asking questions like "Where are your friends?  Do you need to find them?"  or "Where are you going next?"  (make sure not to go there)  or
• relocating yourself, by excusing yourself to get a new drink, go to the bathroom, or find your friends.

* Learn the difference between lust and love.

* Do not accept a drink from a boy to whom you do not intend to talk.

* It is only acceptable to take part in a public bachelorette party at a bar if it is not screamingly obvious to any of the bar's other patrons what is going on, i.e., the bride may not wear her veil, and sex toys are not to be carried around.  This behavior is not cute; it is obnoxious. There are many other places you can go to flaunt yourself- these places are not bars. Go to City Walk and be annoying!

* Boys are not prizes.  Hang out with a boy because you like his personality, you like the sex, or he makes you laugh--not because you are lonely and want someone to play "boyfriend" for you.

* Be conscious of bathroom etiquette.  If you are in a small bathroom and there is a line to get in or to use the sink, perhaps someone's ability to wash their hands is a bit more important than the reapplication of your lipliner.

* A warning:  While I applaud the courageous girls who venture into the germ-ridden, urine-smelling boys' bathroom, be aware that some bars will reward your ingenuity by throwing you out.  If this happens to you, complain to the manager and never visit that establishment again.

BEWARE!

While out and about, you will occasionally encounter the Attached Flirt.  Part egomaniac, part insecure little boy, and all asshole, the Attached Flirt has a girlfriend, but he leaves her at home so he can prowl bars in search of validation of his masculinity.  He will spend hours flirting with a girl with no intention of follow-through, solely to stroke his own ego and feed his pathetic fantasies that he's living in American Pie.  He may also flirt under false pretenses; i.e., flirting with a girl for the sole purpose of then trying to hook his friends up with her.  This, of course, is pimping and is illegal.

MORE RULES:

* If you want to ask someone out, just do it. Stop fucking around.

* Don't say you are going to call if you aren't. Instead say, "That was nice.  Bye."

* Operate at all times as if everyone has caller ID.

* If you get voicemail when you call, you must leave a message.  Do not ramble on and on; be concise.  Leave your name and number and be done with it.

* If you have called twice (and left messages) without receiving a call back, you are being rejected (or s/he is out of town and should not return to an answering machine full of messages from you).  Do not keep calling.

* No sour grapes when it looks like your friend is hooking up and you're upset that you're not.

* No dance rape, especially of the anal variety. You know what I mean.

* If you are having sex with someone, you are entitled to their professional services for free, whether it be masseuse, chef, web design, etc.  If they try to charge you, this is a bad sign.


* There is a time and a place to be a slut.  In the middle of the dance floor, on the pool table, or seated at the bar are not those times.  Excessive public fondling is greatly discouraged.

*If you get up from the bar at any point in the night and are going to be returning (Ie: you went to the bathroom or outside for a smoke)...PLEASE tell someone around you and leave a sweater or something behind on the chair-or tilt the chair against the bar so people know. And if you are the friend saving the seat- don't be an ass. Tell the person trying to sit there that the seat is taken. On another note: if you do not KNOW the person who left the bar and they are further then 3 seats down, it is not your obligation to play seat saver!

* Finally... If you're looking for a long-term, meaningful relationship, why are you looking in a bar?

The Non-Relationship Relationship

The non-relationship relationship is characterized by an understanding, spoken or unspoken, that it's just about the hook-up and nothing more.   The non-relationship relationship is not a relationship.  Stop acting like it is.  This means that if you're just hooking up, recognize it for what it is...and if you can't deal with that, get the fuck out of dodge.

(On the other hand, you also need to know how to figure out if it's a non-relationship relationship or if it's moving toward something more.  While it's fine to attempt to transition the non-relationship relationship into something more serious, you must proceed with the utmost attention to the signs you're getting from the other person re: whether they're open to such a transition.)

Boys are just as guilty of misunderstanding this as girls are.

The Rules of Attraction

Ya, ya, ya, physical appearance shouldn't be a big deal.  That's very nice and all, and I'm not asking that you spend three hours to get ready or tons of money on your Air Jordans, but you've got to recognize that the way you choose to present yourself to the world says something, and you should be sure you're not inadvertently sending a message you don't intend.
(this includes but is not limited to girls dressing in ity bity skirts and/or low cut tops. If you wear this crap and get sexually harrassed, it is your own damn fault. Don't complain at the kind of attention you attract. You dress like a slut, and you will be treated as one)

(And by the way, no matter what you look like, confidence is required in order to attract others.  This is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy; if you don't think you can get laid, you won't.)

So please take a goddamn shower, as well as following the rest of these tips to maximize your appeal:

* Do not wear anything that is two or more fads at once, such as an asymmetrical cammo print top or floral sparkle capris.

* Do wear a cowboy hat only if there is a mechanical bull in the establishment at which you are drinking.

* When going out in a group, coordinate sufficiently so that you don't look like either a herd of black tanks or blue dress shirts.
* Boys: Unless you are a time traveler from 1984, you may not flip up your collar.  I am sad that this HAS to be said!

* Boys cannot wear sports jerseys after the age of 12 unless they're participating in an actual sporting event.  Not watching, not thinking about.  Participating.

* Do not over use the power of cleavage. Too much is a bad thing. Although when used correctly can be a very powerful tool! (A side note on bras: * Buy the size you are, not the size you want to be

* The seedy local pub is not the place for your little black dress and strappy sandals.

* Do not wear any animal prints or fringe, unless it is Halloween. 

* Sunglasses (including at night, when they are perched on top of your head) and flip-flops are always unacceptable.

* Boys: boxer briefs.

THE REJECTION SECTION

Superficial Rejection:
Superficial rejections are those that are made during brief social encounters with those lobbying for your interest. You must make your lack of interest known politely and quickly, as soon as you are aware of it. Do not be rude, unless you are faced with obnoxious persistence. Here are some tried and true rejection techniques for this sort of situation:

• Quickly excuse yourself from the conversation.
• Mention your boy/girlfriend (even if you don't have one).
• Have a friend save you.  You may find it helpful to have a      prearranged signal for this occasion.
• Simply say that you are flattered, but aren't interested

It is never desirable to be rude, but occasionally you may be left with no other choice.  If you are forced to be rude in your rejection (after first trying one or more of the techniques above):

• Avoid eye contact and refuse further interaction with the perpetrator. Sooner or later s/he should tire and move on to another target.
• Make a call on your cell and loudly discuss how annoyed you are by  the perpetrator's attempts.(my personal fav)
• Tell them bluntly, "Go Away!"

Relationship Rejection:
Sadly, all things must end.  When you're faced with the need to break things off (or to prevent them from ever starting), honesty is the best policy.  This doesn't mean you should shatter the person's ego, but telling the truth about why you're ending things is nicer than lying.  In certain situations, it can also provide a valuable service to the other person; for instance, if it's because the person is self-absorbed or too needy, do him/her a favor and explain the problem.  If things just aren't working out and there's no particular reason why, it's also nicer to state that candidly so that the person doesn't wonder if it's actually about some hideous flaw of his/hers.

However, when you don't feel comfortable or simply don't want to deal with the drama that may result from the unvarnished truth, it is acceptable to fall back on some of the oldies-but-goodies of rejection techniques:

* The blow-off.  The blow-off consists of not returning calls and emails, being unavailable, and letting things die a slow death.  It should be used only for the non-relationship relationship; using it for any type of real relationship is cruel.  Please be aware that while you are putting the blow-off into action, the person being subjected to it may be wondering what the hell is going on, so if you can stomach it, it's better to simply let them know things aren't working out (see above).  However, if you've tried to let them down gently and they aren't taking the hint and continue to subject you to inappropriate advances, it is perfectly acceptable to simply stop contact.

* "It's not you, it's me."  Ultimately, this is always the truth anyway.  S/he may have atrocious body odor, but YOU're the one who can't deal with it... Presto!  It's you, not them.

* "Let's just be friends."  But you should be willing to actually follow through with this, as they may take you at your word.

* "I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now."  This is followed up with an explanation that you are recovering from a bad break-up, having family issues, really busy at work, or just needing "me" time.  (Any or all of this may be true, but we all know that if the right person came along, you'd have no problem with being in a relationship.)

* "I'm trying to work things out with my ex." There's a fifty-fifty chance that this is actually true. Either way, the person's better off without you, because you are either a liar or aren't emotionally available.

If you're the one getting rejected...

*Sucks to be you.

* No sour grapes.  You can bitch afterward to your friends, but in the moment, you must accept the rejection gracefully.

* Don't try to talk the person out of it.  Even if you succeed (not likely), do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

* If you run into the person afterward, you must behave civilly.  This mean no nasty looks, cold shoulder, or catty comments.  Make them to your friends after the person leaves.

Mean What You Say

If you're going to dump someone, know what you're doing and act accordingly.  Don't get all wishy-washy and fuck with their head while you try to decide what you want or run back to them when you discover you miss the attention.

With all of this said...I will no present to you the top 10 what not to do's in the bar...(from a girl's point of view.)

1. Do not ignore a girl if you are interested. If she slips you her number go over and talk to her~don't phone stalk her AFTER she leaves the bar. (oh- and DON'T give her and her friends nicknames-it's weird.)

2. Don't be old and perverted at the bar. If a girl is young enough to be your daughter-go elsewhere. She will just make fun of you later with her girlfriends!

3.If you are truly not gay- DO NOT talk as if you are. This is disturbing.

4. Do not pretend to be interested in a girl if you are already in a relationship. Do not be self absorbed and talk about yourself all night. Do not set your horny friends out to prowl on girls!

5. Do not wait till the girl is walking out of the bar to show your interested. Tell her asap so that you can actually have time to talk to her (if that is she is also interested)

6. If a girl tells you to "GO AWAY" this does not mean come back every 5 minutes to see if she changed her mind. DO NOT grab a girl in any way without first being asked! And DO NOT be obnoxious!

7. Do not pretend we don't know your game. You may be the quiet/shy one, but we know what you all want.

8. Do not be Mr.Cool when in actuality your just a big dork! Be yourself.

9. Do not hit on girls and tell them deep thoughtful things if you do not want a relationship. Girls fall for meaningfulness and if you are so good a girl thinks your for real when looking into your eyes, a girl will fall for you. Then you will have to break it off, which is never fun. Do not do this especially when you live out of state.

10. Do not dress as a superhero for your night out at the bars. It is a shame I have to actually state this.

THE BEST PICK UP LINES I'VE HEARD 

"I didn't know my favorite color until I saw the color of your eyes"
"It's a good thing I have my library card, cause I was checkin' you out!"
"Is it okay if I flirt with you for awhile?"
"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"
"Be unique and different, just say yes."
"Im new in town, do you think you could show me around?"
"Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?"
"We would have beautiful children together"
"You would look good on me"
"Whats a nice girl like you doin in a place like this?"
"You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me."
"Do you have a map? Cos Honey, I just keep gettin lost in your eyes."
"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"
"How was Heaven when you left it?"
"You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten my standard pick-up line."
"I lost my phone number, can I have yours?"
"Do you have a boyfriend? (NO) Do you want one?"

FELLAS: Sometimes the girls just want to go out and not be bothered by YOU!...you can give us a compliment and then walk away-thanks!

Leave a comment with a pick up line you've heard/given and checkout my post below on more Pickup Lines!