After a yoga class I went with a friend over to a nearby restaurant where he was meeting a group of friends for one their mom's birthdays. I was fresh out of a yoga workout class, so I was not "ready" to meet anyone special.
Sipping on water, I had decided to only stay for a half hour before making my way home. Once my friends friends' starting showing up, I quickly decided to stay a little longer. His group had several single guys in the midst and one caught my eye. While it wasn't immediate, he did end up coming over to say hello once my friend introduced us. Turned out he was indeed single, 35, employed and goes to church. I found him very attractive. Before leaving for the evening, he asked for my number and I plugged it into his phone. He walked me to my car before returning to the party and before he turned to leave he kissed me.
It was a good night.
He seemed to like me even though I hadn't gotten made up or changed my clothes; I had been upfront with the conversation and what I was looking for. I hadn't beaten around the bush or tried to play any games and I asked him for the same from the very beginning. We were on the same page....
He texted me the next evening and I had been flirty and charming in response. He hadn't asked me on a date yet at this point so I started to wonder but didn't make my desperation apparent to him. I let it go and went about my life.
The following day I was out with friends when he called. We were all hanging out at this outdoor venue playing bocce ball and sipping on wine so I invited him over. He was just down the street at his parents' home watching his niece. About a half hour later he was joining my friends and myself with his niece. It was a lovely afternoon! He was very good with the children that we were hanging out with and got along with my friends.
Once my friends left, I was alone with Mr. Bow and his niece. They invited me back to his parents' home where he was also house sitting and I obliged. I drove myself over to the house and we chatted and all went in the Jacuzzi. I felt it was a safe environment to do so since his nice was there. She was an adorable pre-teen firecracker that I loved immediately. Once she went to bed, Mr. Bow and I continued our conversations and still seemed to be on the same page.
Since I had been so upfront and honest from the start, I felt comfortable and safe with him already. We bonded over both being divorced and how much dating sucked. We discussed why our relationships had ended and I was very upfront with him. I told him I was ready for marriage and kids and once I found the right guy I'd like all of that sooner rather than later. I told him how I felt about dating and the painful process of finding Mr. Right...he seemed to agree with me on all terms and there was no sign of him getting scared away. He was charming and sweet and fun. I thought this would be the start of something pretty amazing.
I didn't want to romanticize the night too much, afterall this was only the first time we had hung out and it wasn't even alone. I asked him to take me on a proper date in the near future and he said he was mine for at the very least the next month as he had plans in his head already of all the places he wanted to take me. I gave in that night. I let my needs and wants take over me and made myself believe there was no way this would or could be a one night stand; he was too into me and agreed on all that I told him I was looking for. We were on the same page afterall!
Perhaps the same page but in the light of the next few days it seemed the page had invisible ink on it revealing his actual intentions.
When I didn't hear from him the following day, I texted in the late evening. Still in my clouded, naïve head he was still a great guy. Perhaps just busy, so I made the effort to reach out first. I was still glowing and happy bursting with ideas of all the possibilities. All my thoughts were crushed the moment he wrote back to me..He wrote "I have to be honest before things get too far....I know your marriage ended because he didn't want children and I also don't want any".
He knew from the start how important that was to me. Why wouldn't he speak up then? Why would he kiss me if all along he knew we didn't want the same things out of life? Why would he meet my friends, allow me to meet his niece and bond with her, why would he take advantage of me and my dreams the way he did?
Because he is a man and men just want what they want when they want it.
My faith is shaking.
Just when I think I found a nice guy and let my guard down life has a funny way of making the jaded even more jaded. Trusting people is not something that comes naturally to me and when someone purposefully uses me it does not sit well with me. I try to love as if I've never been hurt and that is getting harder and harder to do.
July 29, 2014
July 15, 2014
Self Worth
This isn't a dating entry but more importantly a SELF WORTH entry.
This past weekend I was I in the land of beautiful, "perfect" people or also known as Hermosa Beach, CA. It seemed that everyone there was early to late 20's with rock hard bodies, perfect tans, flowey healthy hair and white teeth. Everyone looked well rehearsed in the art of having a good time. Their outward appearance matched what I felt on the inside about my own life in the comfort of "the Bubble". I generally feel good about my life, myself and choices but this place made me question everything I knew.
I was attacked verbally and emotionally by a female while I was out with 2 of my guy friends for the evening, at a bar. I didn't think females did this type of emotional attacking past high school age. My guard was down as I've come to trust the female species as a sort of alliance against harmful body image and generic tearing down from all the world has to offer an adult woman. I wasn't prepared or expecting the evening to result in a near emotional break down and I wanted to take a moment to tell you of my experience in hopes that someone somewhere may read it and relate and maybe pass on so that we can finally end bullying; it doesn't end in grade school or high school. There are adult bullies out there and it needs to STOP. Life is hard enough!
Entering the bar in the land of beautiful people, my 2 guy friends sat down next to a group of 3 females. Being on my own at this point, I head to the bar to grab a beer for myself. I am already feeling self conscious since my guy friends hadn't wasted any time at all and had left me to fly on my own for the night before I was really ready.
I look around for someone to make friends with but everyone was already coupled up or deep into drinking games, so I head back out to the patio where I had left my friends with the 3 females. The guys motion for me to come over and introduce me. I am pleasant and sit on the chair opposite the 3 females to make small talk. Something I personally dread but I do it for my friends and I am secretly proud of myself for being so nice to these girls who I had gotten a bad gut feeling about in the beginning. They act fake nice to me and ask me to sit with them on the bench; I decline and explain I get chlosterphobic, plus I like having an easy exit just in case I spot someone I want to chat it up with. We share some laughs and conversation and when my 2 guy friends choose one female each from the 3, the 3rd calls over a group of guys sitting nearby. The group of guys joins us by pushing tables together and we all start talking. Almost instantly, the girl starts attacking me. It started with where I lived. The men had asked where we were from and when I said Thousand Oaks, she started talking about how terrible, awful, ugly Thousand Oaks was. When I try to defend my hometown I find myself getting angry. I finally ask "Have you ever Been to Thousand Oaks?" because it didn't sound like she knew it at all....turned out she hadn't but her reply was more than that, it started getting personal and ugly! "No, but they obviously like to eat there, and I don't like fat people" while she looked me up and down. She continued with snide remarks while smiling and calling me "sweetie" as if trying to hide her digs. I have not been so insulted as an adult, ever. I was so embarrassed by her and for her! I WAS having a pleasant conversation with the guys next to us but it just became her jabbing at me. She didn't know me at all but she felt that breaking me down would build herself up to these guys, I think? This women felt the need to personally attack me and make not only myself but the guys we were talking to as well so uncomfortable!
If she had been young and drunk I may have let it roll off my back a little more and chalked it up to high school mentality still playing a role but she didn't look a day under 35. She was without ring, so on the prowl and possibly jealous that I was chatting it up with possibly a guy she wanted? It almost always comes down to a boy, right? At least that was my experience in high school....
I am not a size 2. Never have been , never will be...but I am also not 200lbs. I am healthy, I have curves and I am self conscious about them because of women like the one I met and had this encounter with. I allowed her words and her smug smile get to me, deep inside where all my insecurities already live and allowed her to pierce through my thick skin releasing feelings I try really hard to keep at bay everyday. There is already so much in the media about 'SKINNY IS BEAUTIFUL', it is already hard to date when men are expecting magazine models and as women we need to lift each other up, not tear down! It is ridicules when just a few sentences can break down an otherwise strong, (mostly) confident woman.
As adults, we all know life is difficult at best; let's work together and not against one another. Let's use the tools we all learned as children, 'Treat others the way you'd like to be treated", "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all", "Help your neighbor"....
If my girls had been out with me instead of 2 guy friends, this woman would have ended up in the hospital for sure. My guy friends were clueless and didn't hear what she was saying to me; they only saw her smiling and when I told them what was actually happening, they didn't believe me. Finally one of them started to pay attention and as soon as she made another nasty remark to me he got up and took me with him saying, "Enough!". It was almost like I was in shock and couldn't move myself...I just kept looking at her saying "Really? Are you actually saying these things right now?!" I think at one point I did tell her I would love nothing more then to sock her in her ugly face but that I didn't feel like spending the night in jail...
I have surrounded myself with such good hearted amazing people that I forgot people were that ugly on the inside! This just proved that while you can be a size 2 on the outside and make yourself up to look pretty, on the inside you can still be as ugly as a troll. That is what this woman was and I was glad to witness it hindering her that night; the guys that were sitting next to us saw how ugly she really was and left the same time we did.
We really need to stop the Beauty Madness and realize everyone is beautiful in their own way. Do not tear down but rather build up those around you; whether you know them or not! Everyone has a story to tell and insecurities deep inside. Treat others the way you'd want to be treated and LADIES, CAN WE PLEASE STICK TOGETHER in this crazy world? We are ALL insecure about SOMETHING; Don't bully!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/08/stop-the-beauty-madness_n_5566885.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
This past weekend I was I in the land of beautiful, "perfect" people or also known as Hermosa Beach, CA. It seemed that everyone there was early to late 20's with rock hard bodies, perfect tans, flowey healthy hair and white teeth. Everyone looked well rehearsed in the art of having a good time. Their outward appearance matched what I felt on the inside about my own life in the comfort of "the Bubble". I generally feel good about my life, myself and choices but this place made me question everything I knew.
I was attacked verbally and emotionally by a female while I was out with 2 of my guy friends for the evening, at a bar. I didn't think females did this type of emotional attacking past high school age. My guard was down as I've come to trust the female species as a sort of alliance against harmful body image and generic tearing down from all the world has to offer an adult woman. I wasn't prepared or expecting the evening to result in a near emotional break down and I wanted to take a moment to tell you of my experience in hopes that someone somewhere may read it and relate and maybe pass on so that we can finally end bullying; it doesn't end in grade school or high school. There are adult bullies out there and it needs to STOP. Life is hard enough!
Entering the bar in the land of beautiful people, my 2 guy friends sat down next to a group of 3 females. Being on my own at this point, I head to the bar to grab a beer for myself. I am already feeling self conscious since my guy friends hadn't wasted any time at all and had left me to fly on my own for the night before I was really ready.
I look around for someone to make friends with but everyone was already coupled up or deep into drinking games, so I head back out to the patio where I had left my friends with the 3 females. The guys motion for me to come over and introduce me. I am pleasant and sit on the chair opposite the 3 females to make small talk. Something I personally dread but I do it for my friends and I am secretly proud of myself for being so nice to these girls who I had gotten a bad gut feeling about in the beginning. They act fake nice to me and ask me to sit with them on the bench; I decline and explain I get chlosterphobic, plus I like having an easy exit just in case I spot someone I want to chat it up with. We share some laughs and conversation and when my 2 guy friends choose one female each from the 3, the 3rd calls over a group of guys sitting nearby. The group of guys joins us by pushing tables together and we all start talking. Almost instantly, the girl starts attacking me. It started with where I lived. The men had asked where we were from and when I said Thousand Oaks, she started talking about how terrible, awful, ugly Thousand Oaks was. When I try to defend my hometown I find myself getting angry. I finally ask "Have you ever Been to Thousand Oaks?" because it didn't sound like she knew it at all....turned out she hadn't but her reply was more than that, it started getting personal and ugly! "No, but they obviously like to eat there, and I don't like fat people" while she looked me up and down. She continued with snide remarks while smiling and calling me "sweetie" as if trying to hide her digs. I have not been so insulted as an adult, ever. I was so embarrassed by her and for her! I WAS having a pleasant conversation with the guys next to us but it just became her jabbing at me. She didn't know me at all but she felt that breaking me down would build herself up to these guys, I think? This women felt the need to personally attack me and make not only myself but the guys we were talking to as well so uncomfortable!
If she had been young and drunk I may have let it roll off my back a little more and chalked it up to high school mentality still playing a role but she didn't look a day under 35. She was without ring, so on the prowl and possibly jealous that I was chatting it up with possibly a guy she wanted? It almost always comes down to a boy, right? At least that was my experience in high school....
I am not a size 2. Never have been , never will be...but I am also not 200lbs. I am healthy, I have curves and I am self conscious about them because of women like the one I met and had this encounter with. I allowed her words and her smug smile get to me, deep inside where all my insecurities already live and allowed her to pierce through my thick skin releasing feelings I try really hard to keep at bay everyday. There is already so much in the media about 'SKINNY IS BEAUTIFUL', it is already hard to date when men are expecting magazine models and as women we need to lift each other up, not tear down! It is ridicules when just a few sentences can break down an otherwise strong, (mostly) confident woman.
As adults, we all know life is difficult at best; let's work together and not against one another. Let's use the tools we all learned as children, 'Treat others the way you'd like to be treated", "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all", "Help your neighbor"....
If my girls had been out with me instead of 2 guy friends, this woman would have ended up in the hospital for sure. My guy friends were clueless and didn't hear what she was saying to me; they only saw her smiling and when I told them what was actually happening, they didn't believe me. Finally one of them started to pay attention and as soon as she made another nasty remark to me he got up and took me with him saying, "Enough!". It was almost like I was in shock and couldn't move myself...I just kept looking at her saying "Really? Are you actually saying these things right now?!" I think at one point I did tell her I would love nothing more then to sock her in her ugly face but that I didn't feel like spending the night in jail...
I have surrounded myself with such good hearted amazing people that I forgot people were that ugly on the inside! This just proved that while you can be a size 2 on the outside and make yourself up to look pretty, on the inside you can still be as ugly as a troll. That is what this woman was and I was glad to witness it hindering her that night; the guys that were sitting next to us saw how ugly she really was and left the same time we did.
We really need to stop the Beauty Madness and realize everyone is beautiful in their own way. Do not tear down but rather build up those around you; whether you know them or not! Everyone has a story to tell and insecurities deep inside. Treat others the way you'd want to be treated and LADIES, CAN WE PLEASE STICK TOGETHER in this crazy world? We are ALL insecure about SOMETHING; Don't bully!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/08/stop-the-beauty-madness_n_5566885.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
July 8, 2014
Why Are You Still Single?
I get this question from everyone!
Best Friends, Parents (both mine and others), Grandparents (again, both mine and others'), New People I meet, everyone! Anyone that spends more than 5 minutes in my presence and finds out that I am still single asks the dreaded question, "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"
Well first, let me say that if I knew the answer I probably wouldn't be single. Secondly, I know you mean well and all but this is a back handed compliment. I get that you think I am great, awesome, amazing, a fantastic catch and all but it also implicates that there is something wrong with me, not to mention reminds me that I am still single! We were just having a great time at the BBQ and I wasn't feeling lonely among all my friends here but then you asked me that and now all I can think of is how unbelievably single I am and how hard it is to find a good man. With 5 little words you have managed to (without knowing it) ruin my day. I will put on a happy face though and you will never know it but to all those happily married/engaged/dating people out there with AMAZING single friends, I will try to answer the "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE" question so you don't have to ruin any more days!
I am 32. I am an attractive single, successful, creative female with many talents and a desire to be wife and mother. I am not the jealous type nor am I needy or a gold digger. I have ex's who would stand up for my awesomeness as a girlfriend if asked. I have an amazing family and fantastic group of friends. I have a great sense of humor, can cook, dance, tell time on a non digital clock even! I have life experience, can hold a conversation with anyone and can speak fluent wit and sarcasm. I hold my own hanging with the boys and playing bar games and can work a red carpet like nobody's business. I enjoy hiking and doing work around the house. I am a people pleaser and will help anyone in need if I can. I don't have any weird additional phalange or weird dark mole on my face. I take care of myself and eat well. I wear appropriate makeup and have fashion and common sense. I am computer literate (obviously), easy going and fancy myself to be a great catch. So why am I still single?
Here is a list I've compiled to answer that question (to the best of my ability), to anyone wondering...
1. There is too many options available to men these days
In the world of www I am finding that there are too many women looking for attention on the internet and have turned to internet/app dating making it so easy for the male species to chat and hook up with those easier than myself.
2. I am picky and not willing to "settle"
While I have a list of deal-breakers, I have over time honed in on exactly what it is I am looking for in a man. Reality is, I haven't found him yet because I don't think men my age were raised correctly for what I want! I have an amazing role model (my step-dad), and will not settle for anything less than what I deserve.
3. Men prefer younger, skinnier model types
Cheeky, sexual images spread across commercials, tv, movies etc. has put a false sense of beauty into the minds of men. While I am photogenic and attractive, I am not a size 2 20 year old. I have hips and curves and being 32, a few wrinkles. Guys that are single and my age have already traded in their peers for the younger models that more resemble the "beauty standard". For those that say REAL MEN prefer a woman with curves, I ask you WHERE ARE THESE REAL MEN? Even if I find one who likes my curves, he just wants to use me as a play thing and nothing more. If I am not willing, he moves right along to the next girl in line. (see #1)
4. I don't waste my time
If I date someone and realize a few weeks in that it isn't right for a long term relationship, I don't stick it out and wait and see. I am not 20 and I don't have time to wait around and see if it might change. People don't change. If I see something in you that makes me think you would be a terrible husband or father, I end it. Many date to just have fun, but that isn't me. My goal in dating is to find my life long partner. While I keep it light at the beginning, my intentions are always just under the surface. I can't waste my time and get sucked into a relationship that I know won't work long term.
5. I am too sexy
Or at least that is what I am told. I don't do it intentionally; I don't like that sort of attention but I guess I exude sexuality and men think of me just as a sexual toy and nothing more. They want a physical relationship but could care less who I actually am, what I like, etc. Just when I think a guy is actually interested in ME I find out he isn't.
6. Guys don't want to settle down
Even when in a relationship for YEARS, it always ends because the men are afraid to grow up. They don't want to settle down, get married and have kids. There is too much they want to "do" before they will be "ready". This really translates into "there are too many woman out there I haven't F#$%ed" or that some men are really just too afraid to be men and grow up. I'm a good girl and in this day & age, that is a disadvantage it seems!
7....And the men who want what I want, already have it!
If a good guy wants to settle down and have kids, by the age of 32 he already has. He is already living the life I want with his beautiful wife. I have to either wait for his marriage to fall apart and his divorce to be finalized (by which point he is no longer the good guy and now just another jaded man in the dating pool), or I have to move to Seattle, Minnesota or Oregon to meet his brother who is not as attractive, successful or kid friendly.
8. I don't think I am dumb enough
Granted there are beautiful children in this world that were not planned and things worked out between a large majority of men/woman who are together and happy now due to the children they had while casually dating one another...but I think I am too smart at this age to fall into a situation like that. I do not have casual sex and when I do engage in the physical act of love, I use protection. I don't want to have a "mistake" baby. I don't want to be connected to someone for the rest of my life unless I choose him for myself. If I don't choose him for myself, why would he be good enough for my future children? Sure, there are many days when I think I would wish for a "mistake" to happen but deep down I know I want to do it "right". Meet a man I fall in love with, marry and then have children...but my days feel numbered now and I am not sure I will ever get what I want. No one said life was fair; I've heard this my entire life!
While I am not dumb enough to get knocked up by mistake, I am also not dumb enough to fall for D-bag guys. There are plenty out there that will smooze and talk their way into a relationship only to turn around and cheat on you.
9. I have issues, but doesn't everyone?
I recently realized I have severe abandonment issues and while I try to not be a victim and I didn't even realize it caused me issues with dating;after hard examination of my behavior in new relationships that have started to form in the recent past, I have noticed some harmful patterns emerge due to my issues. I have a wall up and while it may appear that I let people in easily, I test them. I push and pull to make them prove to me that they want me for me and will put up a fight to keep me. So far I haven't found a man who can pass.
10. It's all or nothing with the men I find.
The guy either wants nothing to do with a serious relationship and just wants to hook up or he wants to get married to me like, yesterday! I need something in between. Firstly I need to feel a connection with someone which I haven't found in the last year or so! Secondly I need to know he wants me for me and sees a future. Thirdly, I'd like to marry within the next couple of years but I also want to know who I am marrying! I'd like to enjoy dating for awhile and then enjoy being engaged before walking down an aisle.
11. I live in the suburbs and good single men are hard to find!
I work a full time job, have great friends and family that keep me busy so unless someone falls into my lap, I am not really out searching. The people I may run into at the grocery store are 99% more likely to me married or taken, so that option is not one to bank on.
12. Almost All my friends are married.
My friends have to have someone to set me up with, right? Wrong. Marrieds tend to hang with other marrieds. It is rare that a single hangs out with a bunch of couples but I do and they don't have anyone they'd want to set me up with. I have however gotten the other dreaded "compliment", "You're too good for him" when someone actually does come to their mind. I get that you think so but I can be shitty. This statement makes me think you're being condescending and you just don't want them to end up with me.
The few single friends I do still have are going through similar struggles as me but are all a few years younger and wouldn't give up a good guy if they met one, even if they were already seeing someone.
So there you have it. 12 reasons that I can think of to answer the question "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"
Best Friends, Parents (both mine and others), Grandparents (again, both mine and others'), New People I meet, everyone! Anyone that spends more than 5 minutes in my presence and finds out that I am still single asks the dreaded question, "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"
Well first, let me say that if I knew the answer I probably wouldn't be single. Secondly, I know you mean well and all but this is a back handed compliment. I get that you think I am great, awesome, amazing, a fantastic catch and all but it also implicates that there is something wrong with me, not to mention reminds me that I am still single! We were just having a great time at the BBQ and I wasn't feeling lonely among all my friends here but then you asked me that and now all I can think of is how unbelievably single I am and how hard it is to find a good man. With 5 little words you have managed to (without knowing it) ruin my day. I will put on a happy face though and you will never know it but to all those happily married/engaged/dating people out there with AMAZING single friends, I will try to answer the "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE" question so you don't have to ruin any more days!
I am 32. I am an attractive single, successful, creative female with many talents and a desire to be wife and mother. I am not the jealous type nor am I needy or a gold digger. I have ex's who would stand up for my awesomeness as a girlfriend if asked. I have an amazing family and fantastic group of friends. I have a great sense of humor, can cook, dance, tell time on a non digital clock even! I have life experience, can hold a conversation with anyone and can speak fluent wit and sarcasm. I hold my own hanging with the boys and playing bar games and can work a red carpet like nobody's business. I enjoy hiking and doing work around the house. I am a people pleaser and will help anyone in need if I can. I don't have any weird additional phalange or weird dark mole on my face. I take care of myself and eat well. I wear appropriate makeup and have fashion and common sense. I am computer literate (obviously), easy going and fancy myself to be a great catch. So why am I still single?
Here is a list I've compiled to answer that question (to the best of my ability), to anyone wondering...
1. There is too many options available to men these days
In the world of www I am finding that there are too many women looking for attention on the internet and have turned to internet/app dating making it so easy for the male species to chat and hook up with those easier than myself.
2. I am picky and not willing to "settle"
While I have a list of deal-breakers, I have over time honed in on exactly what it is I am looking for in a man. Reality is, I haven't found him yet because I don't think men my age were raised correctly for what I want! I have an amazing role model (my step-dad), and will not settle for anything less than what I deserve.
3. Men prefer younger, skinnier model types
Cheeky, sexual images spread across commercials, tv, movies etc. has put a false sense of beauty into the minds of men. While I am photogenic and attractive, I am not a size 2 20 year old. I have hips and curves and being 32, a few wrinkles. Guys that are single and my age have already traded in their peers for the younger models that more resemble the "beauty standard". For those that say REAL MEN prefer a woman with curves, I ask you WHERE ARE THESE REAL MEN? Even if I find one who likes my curves, he just wants to use me as a play thing and nothing more. If I am not willing, he moves right along to the next girl in line. (see #1)
4. I don't waste my time
If I date someone and realize a few weeks in that it isn't right for a long term relationship, I don't stick it out and wait and see. I am not 20 and I don't have time to wait around and see if it might change. People don't change. If I see something in you that makes me think you would be a terrible husband or father, I end it. Many date to just have fun, but that isn't me. My goal in dating is to find my life long partner. While I keep it light at the beginning, my intentions are always just under the surface. I can't waste my time and get sucked into a relationship that I know won't work long term.
5. I am too sexy
Or at least that is what I am told. I don't do it intentionally; I don't like that sort of attention but I guess I exude sexuality and men think of me just as a sexual toy and nothing more. They want a physical relationship but could care less who I actually am, what I like, etc. Just when I think a guy is actually interested in ME I find out he isn't.
6. Guys don't want to settle down
Even when in a relationship for YEARS, it always ends because the men are afraid to grow up. They don't want to settle down, get married and have kids. There is too much they want to "do" before they will be "ready". This really translates into "there are too many woman out there I haven't F#$%ed" or that some men are really just too afraid to be men and grow up. I'm a good girl and in this day & age, that is a disadvantage it seems!
7....And the men who want what I want, already have it!
If a good guy wants to settle down and have kids, by the age of 32 he already has. He is already living the life I want with his beautiful wife. I have to either wait for his marriage to fall apart and his divorce to be finalized (by which point he is no longer the good guy and now just another jaded man in the dating pool), or I have to move to Seattle, Minnesota or Oregon to meet his brother who is not as attractive, successful or kid friendly.
8. I don't think I am dumb enough
Granted there are beautiful children in this world that were not planned and things worked out between a large majority of men/woman who are together and happy now due to the children they had while casually dating one another...but I think I am too smart at this age to fall into a situation like that. I do not have casual sex and when I do engage in the physical act of love, I use protection. I don't want to have a "mistake" baby. I don't want to be connected to someone for the rest of my life unless I choose him for myself. If I don't choose him for myself, why would he be good enough for my future children? Sure, there are many days when I think I would wish for a "mistake" to happen but deep down I know I want to do it "right". Meet a man I fall in love with, marry and then have children...but my days feel numbered now and I am not sure I will ever get what I want. No one said life was fair; I've heard this my entire life!
While I am not dumb enough to get knocked up by mistake, I am also not dumb enough to fall for D-bag guys. There are plenty out there that will smooze and talk their way into a relationship only to turn around and cheat on you.
9. I have issues, but doesn't everyone?
I recently realized I have severe abandonment issues and while I try to not be a victim and I didn't even realize it caused me issues with dating;after hard examination of my behavior in new relationships that have started to form in the recent past, I have noticed some harmful patterns emerge due to my issues. I have a wall up and while it may appear that I let people in easily, I test them. I push and pull to make them prove to me that they want me for me and will put up a fight to keep me. So far I haven't found a man who can pass.
10. It's all or nothing with the men I find.
The guy either wants nothing to do with a serious relationship and just wants to hook up or he wants to get married to me like, yesterday! I need something in between. Firstly I need to feel a connection with someone which I haven't found in the last year or so! Secondly I need to know he wants me for me and sees a future. Thirdly, I'd like to marry within the next couple of years but I also want to know who I am marrying! I'd like to enjoy dating for awhile and then enjoy being engaged before walking down an aisle.
11. I live in the suburbs and good single men are hard to find!
I work a full time job, have great friends and family that keep me busy so unless someone falls into my lap, I am not really out searching. The people I may run into at the grocery store are 99% more likely to me married or taken, so that option is not one to bank on.
12. Almost All my friends are married.
My friends have to have someone to set me up with, right? Wrong. Marrieds tend to hang with other marrieds. It is rare that a single hangs out with a bunch of couples but I do and they don't have anyone they'd want to set me up with. I have however gotten the other dreaded "compliment", "You're too good for him" when someone actually does come to their mind. I get that you think so but I can be shitty. This statement makes me think you're being condescending and you just don't want them to end up with me.
The few single friends I do still have are going through similar struggles as me but are all a few years younger and wouldn't give up a good guy if they met one, even if they were already seeing someone.
So there you have it. 12 reasons that I can think of to answer the question "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"
July 7, 2014
I'm Tired
I am tired of being the single person in my circles of friends.
I am tired of being added to my parents RSVP cards because I don't have a plus 1.
I am tired of being the permanent single and not even given a chance for a plus 1!
I am tired of being the one to get the couch instead of a bed because I don't have a cuddle buddy during trips/vacations/sleep overs.
I am tired of ordering 2 dinners for take out so I don't get the pity looks.
I am tired of getting the pity looks when I take myself out to eat and sit alone.
I am tired of not having my own plans and tail coating on friends' plans (being auto included).
I am tired of having groceries go bad before I can eat them because shopping as a single is TOUGH!
I am tired of not having anyone to cook for.
I am tired of going home to an empty place.
I am tired of killing my own spiders.
I am tired of feeling jealous of everyone else's babies/kids pics on FB/Instagram.
I am tired of feeling like I am running out of time.
I am tired of dating.
I am tired of people thinking I am a drunk slut just because I am still single.
I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and not feeling wanted (by any guy).
I am tired of not having someone to text throughout the day when I miss him.
I am tired of not having that special connection with someone.
I am tired of not having someone special to share experiences with.
I am tired of not having anyone to wear sexy underclothes for/shaving legs for.
I am tired of not having someone to get dressed up for.
I am tired of blogging.
I am tired of not having someone to argue with about stupid little things.
I am tired of having people assume I don't have plans for the weekend.
I am tired of not having someone to do brunch or dinners or wine tasting with (opposite sex).
I am tired of being in a funk.
I am tired of ex's contacting me to try and cheat on their girlfriends with me. (This has happened A LOT) ;You had your chance with me, now go be a real man and stay faithful to the girl you're with!
I am tired of not getting attention and compliments from a man who wants to be with only me.
I am tired of not having a Halloween partner for costumes.
I am tired of not having anyone to check in with.
I am tired of not having someone to pillow talk with.
I am tired of not having someone to miss when I am out with the girls.
I am tired of not having someone to fantasize about.
I am tired of having someone get slightly jealous when I accidently flirt with another man.
I am tired of not having a karaoke duet partner.
I am tired of being lonely.
I am tired of not having someone to vent to at any given moment.
I am tired of not having a crush.
I am tired of guys only contacting me for "booty calls" and nothing real!
I am tired of feeling like my life hasn't even begun yet.
I am tired of waiting.
I am tired of people assuming I don't know anything about being married or being a mom just because I'm not married and I don't have children of my own.
I am tired of not having a reason to rush home from work.
I am tired of not having someone to buy "just because" gifts for.
I am tired of hearing "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"
I am tired of having too much free time.
I am tired of people being jealous that I am single and have so much free time. It's not as fun as you think.
I am tired of not having someone to give me a back rub/massage.
I am tired of the silence at home.
I am tired of feeling so emotional/depressed over being single.
I am tired of not having a man to force me to watch guy movies.
I am tired of not having anyone to take care of.
I am tired of being single.
I am tired of bringing my own jacket.
I am tired of not having a man to order fries so I can steal a few.
I am tired of having to find my own funny cat videos.
I am tired of being added to my parents RSVP cards because I don't have a plus 1.
I am tired of being the permanent single and not even given a chance for a plus 1!
I am tired of being the one to get the couch instead of a bed because I don't have a cuddle buddy during trips/vacations/sleep overs.
I am tired of ordering 2 dinners for take out so I don't get the pity looks.
I am tired of getting the pity looks when I take myself out to eat and sit alone.
I am tired of not having my own plans and tail coating on friends' plans (being auto included).
I am tired of having groceries go bad before I can eat them because shopping as a single is TOUGH!
I am tired of not having anyone to cook for.
I am tired of going home to an empty place.
I am tired of killing my own spiders.
I am tired of feeling jealous of everyone else's babies/kids pics on FB/Instagram.
I am tired of feeling like I am running out of time.
I am tired of dating.
I am tired of people thinking I am a drunk slut just because I am still single.
I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and not feeling wanted (by any guy).
I am tired of not having someone to text throughout the day when I miss him.
I am tired of not having that special connection with someone.
I am tired of not having someone special to share experiences with.
I am tired of not having anyone to wear sexy underclothes for/shaving legs for.
I am tired of not having someone to get dressed up for.
I am tired of blogging.
I am tired of not having someone to argue with about stupid little things.
I am tired of having people assume I don't have plans for the weekend.
I am tired of not having someone to do brunch or dinners or wine tasting with (opposite sex).
I am tired of being in a funk.
I am tired of ex's contacting me to try and cheat on their girlfriends with me. (This has happened A LOT) ;You had your chance with me, now go be a real man and stay faithful to the girl you're with!
I am tired of not getting attention and compliments from a man who wants to be with only me.
I am tired of not having a Halloween partner for costumes.
I am tired of not having anyone to check in with.
I am tired of not having someone to pillow talk with.
I am tired of not having someone to miss when I am out with the girls.
I am tired of not having someone to fantasize about.
I am tired of having someone get slightly jealous when I accidently flirt with another man.
I am tired of not having a karaoke duet partner.
I am tired of being lonely.
I am tired of not having someone to vent to at any given moment.
I am tired of not having a crush.
I am tired of guys only contacting me for "booty calls" and nothing real!
I am tired of feeling like my life hasn't even begun yet.
I am tired of waiting.
I am tired of people assuming I don't know anything about being married or being a mom just because I'm not married and I don't have children of my own.
I am tired of not having a reason to rush home from work.
I am tired of not having someone to buy "just because" gifts for.
I am tired of hearing "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"
I am tired of having too much free time.
I am tired of people being jealous that I am single and have so much free time. It's not as fun as you think.
I am tired of not having someone to give me a back rub/massage.
I am tired of the silence at home.
I am tired of feeling so emotional/depressed over being single.
I am tired of not having a man to force me to watch guy movies.
I am tired of not having anyone to take care of.
I am tired of being single.
I am tired of bringing my own jacket.
I am tired of not having a man to order fries so I can steal a few.
I am tired of having to find my own funny cat videos.
July 3, 2014
Always TOO Something!
At this point in my dating "career" I realize that I am always TOO something. Too "fat", too "creative", too "needy", too "crazy", too "emotional", too "promiscuous", too "much baggage"...lately I am feeling too "old"!
The last couple of guys I've talked with are seeing MUCH younger girls. These guys are my age or older and they are dating 20-22 year olds! Is this really a thing already? I didn't expect to be pushed aside for a much younger woman until I was much older.
I can't compete with a 20-22 year old! Their bodies are still barley post puberty; still tight and toned and they don't have real jobs yet so they are all tan from being able to lay out all day!
What I really don't understand is the guys I WAS talking with admit that they have nothing in common with their much younger counterparts and that they drive them nuts with their stupidity and obsession. Then WHY ARE YOU WITH HER?
They tell me that I am "real" and "easy to talk to" and "sexy as hell"; then why don't you want to date me? Has it become uncool to date a smart, sexy, successful woman just because she is the same age as you or because she is a REAL size 8 and not a size 1? Has the dating pool really gotten THAT shallow? Or is it that the guys left in the pool are so afraid of commitment that they go for the woman who are equally not ready and won't possibly turn into anything real?
Why are the single men available so impossible to please?
If you are one of these 20-22 year old girls; why don't you play with the boys your own age who are also not looking for anything real? I had to deal with them then AND now, it's not fair. The men you are dating would be ready to settle down with the right girl but you are distracting him!
One of the guys I was talking to told me that if I was a "sure thing" he'd break it off with his 20 year old but wanted to hold onto her "just in case" it didn't work out between us.
That's not how I work.
If you want to date me, date me. But when you've been with a girl for 2 years (yup! since she was 18!), you can't just test drive me to see if we would be a good fit and then go back to her if we aren't. Guys already can't focus well In a relationship- put a 20 year old in his path and it's not even a fair shot.
Another trend I've been noticing is guys who are single and looking and as soon as you start to make a real connection, they disappear! Then you see some post on Facebook or on Instagram and you realize they recently got back together with their ex! What the hell?
What is it about guys leading on someone great and having what seems like an awesome connection, only to realize they want back with the girl they were slamming all night last week? Was it me? Did I saw something or do something that made you think "Damn, dating really sucks! I miss my ex"?
I know I am an amazing catch and I just haven't found a guy who is willing to actually take the time to get to know me because there are young girls throwing themselves at guys my age; do they think they have money or something? Little do they know, most still live at home with their parents, have mediocre at best jobs (if they aren't working the unemployment funds) and are just as childish as the guys your own age!
I guess I have no choice but to keep waiting for my prince...
This was not meant to be some insightful, profound post; just ranting and rambling on my most recent experiences in dating.
The last couple of guys I've talked with are seeing MUCH younger girls. These guys are my age or older and they are dating 20-22 year olds! Is this really a thing already? I didn't expect to be pushed aside for a much younger woman until I was much older.
I can't compete with a 20-22 year old! Their bodies are still barley post puberty; still tight and toned and they don't have real jobs yet so they are all tan from being able to lay out all day!
What I really don't understand is the guys I WAS talking with admit that they have nothing in common with their much younger counterparts and that they drive them nuts with their stupidity and obsession. Then WHY ARE YOU WITH HER?
They tell me that I am "real" and "easy to talk to" and "sexy as hell"; then why don't you want to date me? Has it become uncool to date a smart, sexy, successful woman just because she is the same age as you or because she is a REAL size 8 and not a size 1? Has the dating pool really gotten THAT shallow? Or is it that the guys left in the pool are so afraid of commitment that they go for the woman who are equally not ready and won't possibly turn into anything real?
Why are the single men available so impossible to please?
If you are one of these 20-22 year old girls; why don't you play with the boys your own age who are also not looking for anything real? I had to deal with them then AND now, it's not fair. The men you are dating would be ready to settle down with the right girl but you are distracting him!
One of the guys I was talking to told me that if I was a "sure thing" he'd break it off with his 20 year old but wanted to hold onto her "just in case" it didn't work out between us.
That's not how I work.
If you want to date me, date me. But when you've been with a girl for 2 years (yup! since she was 18!), you can't just test drive me to see if we would be a good fit and then go back to her if we aren't. Guys already can't focus well In a relationship- put a 20 year old in his path and it's not even a fair shot.
Another trend I've been noticing is guys who are single and looking and as soon as you start to make a real connection, they disappear! Then you see some post on Facebook or on Instagram and you realize they recently got back together with their ex! What the hell?
What is it about guys leading on someone great and having what seems like an awesome connection, only to realize they want back with the girl they were slamming all night last week? Was it me? Did I saw something or do something that made you think "Damn, dating really sucks! I miss my ex"?
I know I am an amazing catch and I just haven't found a guy who is willing to actually take the time to get to know me because there are young girls throwing themselves at guys my age; do they think they have money or something? Little do they know, most still live at home with their parents, have mediocre at best jobs (if they aren't working the unemployment funds) and are just as childish as the guys your own age!
I guess I have no choice but to keep waiting for my prince...
This was not meant to be some insightful, profound post; just ranting and rambling on my most recent experiences in dating.
June 10, 2014
6/8/14: Mr. Malibou
It's hard to find a mate. The older you get, the more complicated it is.
You no longer have a high school or college full of potentials ripe for the picking at any given time. You can't see the cliques and steer clear of the weirdos. When dating in the real world after 30, in the suburbs, you kind of have to take what is available.
When you take what is available, you then have to worry if you are what they are looking for.
When I was younger and thinner in the small pond of high school, I had the confidence and self assurance of a super model. I assumed I was everyone's type and was convinced that every guy wanted me and every girl wanted to be me. Well, okay, not THAT confident but relatively speaking to where I am now, I feel like I SHOULD have been that confident.
Dating now, I don't only have my every extending list of requirements, pre-req's and deal breakers...I also now have to worry about the guy's lists. Are they into curvy girls who don't like putting clean laundry away? Or are they into the twiggy neat girls? I no longer feel that just because I meet a single guy that he will like me. Like meeting a single guy isn't hard enough, now I have to worry if I am his type too!
This past weekend I attended a 5 year old's birthday party. Since I hang out mostly with my best friend and her family most weekends, I attend a lot of birthday parties with them. I never have any expectations of meeting anyone at any of them since the majority that attend these things are parents; occasionally there is a cute uncle but usually with his fiance. The biggest advantage of going to these things single is talking and meeting new people. Perhaps one of them I meet will have a single friend they want to set me up with. This has yet to happen because well, like most people in the suburbs, they are all already taken!
There was an exception this past weekend however. While I was going to refill my wine (yes, the kids' parties almost always have some alcohol), Mr. Malibou was pouring a cup for himself. He filled up my friends and my cup and I introduced myself. With a simple introduction, we began a 3 hour conversation. I assumed he was a dad of one of the 30 kids there at first. I was pleasantly surprised when I found out he was the only other single person at the party and happened to come down because he was friends with the birthday girls' uncle. He lived on the lake which the party was held, so it was a quick, short drive down for him to attend at the park. He came for the free wine and ended up leaving with my number.
He had asked me to stay for the after party which was to be at the little girls' moms house on the lake. A little canoe ride or paddle boarding sounded like a lot of fun and very romantic but I had been driven by my friend and we already had plans after the party. Plus I think it would have sent the wrong message if I had stayed; especially since I barley knew the parents or uncle. He asked for my number which I felt sufficient to end our time with. Leaving it all in his hands.
I left contemplating if he had just amused me during the party because he too didn't know many people or because I was the only other single person..or if I was in fact his "type" and he actually liked me. As the hours drug on and on I tried to push him in the back of my mind so I could enjoy the rest of my evening. I checked my phone frequently, waiting for his text. Usually I would receive a text immediately from a guy. the night ended and still no text.
The next morning I arose and checked my phone. Still nothing.
I had no way to get a hold of him to even spark interest if there wasn't much there for him yet. He didn't have a Facebook or anything.
Finally around noon there were pictures posted on the mom's Facebook page; there had been 3 pictures of us taken together; one where he put his arm around my shoulder, another we were smiling in the shade and another I noticed of us in the background laughing in conversation. It was a reminder to myself that it was in fact a good day and he genuinely appeared to like me. Right around the time I had noticed the photos posted, I get a text. :)
It was around 2:30 in the afternoon the day after we had met. My first response to him was an attempt to be light and flirty with, "What took you so long? ;)"
Soon after, we made plans to have dinner this week and go to a country music festival which is being held locally this Saturday.
I am really hoping that this one lasts longer than 2 dates....
The fact he doesn't have a Facebook or Instagram is appealing to me. It takes me off the grid totally and allows for an actual "get to know you" session on our first date. I know very little about him still and can't "stalk" to get any insight into his personal life. I think this will make things more old fashioned and genuine. I am excited as I haven't had this since high school! With all the internet dating and Facebook stalking that goes on these days, I am really looking forward to just dating. Going off the grid is working for me so far, let's see where things go from here.
UPDATE: I met Mr. Malibou on a Wednesday evening after work. It took some digging for me to get him to open up as he was so quiet and reserved. I asked a bunch of questions and sort of felt like an interviewer digging for more than one word answers. He didn't take the reigns in anything during the date. When he arrived, I had been there about 10 minutes already. (He was late due to the hockey game on). I was sipping on a latte and asked him if he wanted to get something to drink. I was about done and wanted to switch over to a glass of wine. (We had planned on meeting for wine and a bite to eat.) He didnt' really say yes or no when I asked if he wanted something to drink but took it upon myself to walk him over to the inside portion of the restaurant where you order. I tried to make light conversation and ask about his wine preferences while he looked at the menu. He gave me nothing. I made small talk with the server behind the counter and asked her how to pronounce one I was looking at. Mr. Malibou seemed uninterested in my ability to whimsically converse with strangers. I chose a wine as did he and while he pulled out his wallet he finally uttered words. "I got it, don't worry". Since I apparently looked "worried" that he wouldn't cover the $8?
He didn't ask if I was hungry or anything the duration of our date. I was, but didn't say anything after he had told me he was living off unemployment and tried not to spend much money. Yet another 30+ living rent free with mom and dad, oh boy!
The scenery at the facility was very beautiful and I was hoping to get to walk around a little and make whitty, fun, light, flirty conversation much like we had at the party. This was not the case.
Mr. Malibou took the first table he saw right outside the busy doors of the restaurant and while I sat down, Mr. Malibou moved his seat further from mine and made a comment about the location being a gas station; an odd comment I thought, but I went with it since he was finally talking.
I know people enjoy talking about themselves, more so then hearing someone else ramble about theirs so I tried asking about him in many ways about his day first then about family, friends, hobbies etc. It wasn't until we got to his gluten free life and modified foods that he really opened up. Come to find out, he believes in conspiracy theories regarding the government modifying foods and poisoning us, even that the government can control the weather and our moods using chem trails. It was really interesting listening to him go on and on; I am not sure I believe in an of it but he seemed so passionate that I again went with it. We went an entire 2 hours without him asking a single thing about myself. We had talked about taking his parents electric boat out on the lake sometime and also made plans to go to a music festival on Saturday together. 11pm was approaching and it was time to leave finally. He asked if he could walk me to my car and when we got to it, he leaned in for a sweet, gentle peck on the lips. With that we shared giggly smiles as we both got into our respective vehicles. It was a nice ending to the date. When I got home, I texted him to let him know I had a nice evening. He responded with the same.
I didn't hear from him at all the following day.
The day after that, I texted to finalize plans for Saturday, simply asking "Are you still interested in going with me to the festival tomorrow? ;) ", thinking I would get an astounding "YES!" back from him. Instead what I received was, "I'm sorry. I'm no longer interested. It was nice meeting you."
What?
What could have happened between the nice peck and flirty smiles and my follow up text?
What I really wanted to do was ask him what had happened. Instead, I am left to wonder why.
I was finally looking past some of my past deal breakers to give a nice guy a shot and I get shot down. My fortune cookie today said "Your Love Life Will Be Happy And Harmonious" ...wish it said when because it is anything but right now!
You no longer have a high school or college full of potentials ripe for the picking at any given time. You can't see the cliques and steer clear of the weirdos. When dating in the real world after 30, in the suburbs, you kind of have to take what is available.
When you take what is available, you then have to worry if you are what they are looking for.
When I was younger and thinner in the small pond of high school, I had the confidence and self assurance of a super model. I assumed I was everyone's type and was convinced that every guy wanted me and every girl wanted to be me. Well, okay, not THAT confident but relatively speaking to where I am now, I feel like I SHOULD have been that confident.
Dating now, I don't only have my every extending list of requirements, pre-req's and deal breakers...I also now have to worry about the guy's lists. Are they into curvy girls who don't like putting clean laundry away? Or are they into the twiggy neat girls? I no longer feel that just because I meet a single guy that he will like me. Like meeting a single guy isn't hard enough, now I have to worry if I am his type too!
This past weekend I attended a 5 year old's birthday party. Since I hang out mostly with my best friend and her family most weekends, I attend a lot of birthday parties with them. I never have any expectations of meeting anyone at any of them since the majority that attend these things are parents; occasionally there is a cute uncle but usually with his fiance. The biggest advantage of going to these things single is talking and meeting new people. Perhaps one of them I meet will have a single friend they want to set me up with. This has yet to happen because well, like most people in the suburbs, they are all already taken!
There was an exception this past weekend however. While I was going to refill my wine (yes, the kids' parties almost always have some alcohol), Mr. Malibou was pouring a cup for himself. He filled up my friends and my cup and I introduced myself. With a simple introduction, we began a 3 hour conversation. I assumed he was a dad of one of the 30 kids there at first. I was pleasantly surprised when I found out he was the only other single person at the party and happened to come down because he was friends with the birthday girls' uncle. He lived on the lake which the party was held, so it was a quick, short drive down for him to attend at the park. He came for the free wine and ended up leaving with my number.
He had asked me to stay for the after party which was to be at the little girls' moms house on the lake. A little canoe ride or paddle boarding sounded like a lot of fun and very romantic but I had been driven by my friend and we already had plans after the party. Plus I think it would have sent the wrong message if I had stayed; especially since I barley knew the parents or uncle. He asked for my number which I felt sufficient to end our time with. Leaving it all in his hands.
I left contemplating if he had just amused me during the party because he too didn't know many people or because I was the only other single person..or if I was in fact his "type" and he actually liked me. As the hours drug on and on I tried to push him in the back of my mind so I could enjoy the rest of my evening. I checked my phone frequently, waiting for his text. Usually I would receive a text immediately from a guy. the night ended and still no text.
The next morning I arose and checked my phone. Still nothing.
I had no way to get a hold of him to even spark interest if there wasn't much there for him yet. He didn't have a Facebook or anything.
Finally around noon there were pictures posted on the mom's Facebook page; there had been 3 pictures of us taken together; one where he put his arm around my shoulder, another we were smiling in the shade and another I noticed of us in the background laughing in conversation. It was a reminder to myself that it was in fact a good day and he genuinely appeared to like me. Right around the time I had noticed the photos posted, I get a text. :)
It was around 2:30 in the afternoon the day after we had met. My first response to him was an attempt to be light and flirty with, "What took you so long? ;)"
Soon after, we made plans to have dinner this week and go to a country music festival which is being held locally this Saturday.
I am really hoping that this one lasts longer than 2 dates....
The fact he doesn't have a Facebook or Instagram is appealing to me. It takes me off the grid totally and allows for an actual "get to know you" session on our first date. I know very little about him still and can't "stalk" to get any insight into his personal life. I think this will make things more old fashioned and genuine. I am excited as I haven't had this since high school! With all the internet dating and Facebook stalking that goes on these days, I am really looking forward to just dating. Going off the grid is working for me so far, let's see where things go from here.
UPDATE: I met Mr. Malibou on a Wednesday evening after work. It took some digging for me to get him to open up as he was so quiet and reserved. I asked a bunch of questions and sort of felt like an interviewer digging for more than one word answers. He didn't take the reigns in anything during the date. When he arrived, I had been there about 10 minutes already. (He was late due to the hockey game on). I was sipping on a latte and asked him if he wanted to get something to drink. I was about done and wanted to switch over to a glass of wine. (We had planned on meeting for wine and a bite to eat.) He didnt' really say yes or no when I asked if he wanted something to drink but took it upon myself to walk him over to the inside portion of the restaurant where you order. I tried to make light conversation and ask about his wine preferences while he looked at the menu. He gave me nothing. I made small talk with the server behind the counter and asked her how to pronounce one I was looking at. Mr. Malibou seemed uninterested in my ability to whimsically converse with strangers. I chose a wine as did he and while he pulled out his wallet he finally uttered words. "I got it, don't worry". Since I apparently looked "worried" that he wouldn't cover the $8?
He didn't ask if I was hungry or anything the duration of our date. I was, but didn't say anything after he had told me he was living off unemployment and tried not to spend much money. Yet another 30+ living rent free with mom and dad, oh boy!
The scenery at the facility was very beautiful and I was hoping to get to walk around a little and make whitty, fun, light, flirty conversation much like we had at the party. This was not the case.
Mr. Malibou took the first table he saw right outside the busy doors of the restaurant and while I sat down, Mr. Malibou moved his seat further from mine and made a comment about the location being a gas station; an odd comment I thought, but I went with it since he was finally talking.
I know people enjoy talking about themselves, more so then hearing someone else ramble about theirs so I tried asking about him in many ways about his day first then about family, friends, hobbies etc. It wasn't until we got to his gluten free life and modified foods that he really opened up. Come to find out, he believes in conspiracy theories regarding the government modifying foods and poisoning us, even that the government can control the weather and our moods using chem trails. It was really interesting listening to him go on and on; I am not sure I believe in an of it but he seemed so passionate that I again went with it. We went an entire 2 hours without him asking a single thing about myself. We had talked about taking his parents electric boat out on the lake sometime and also made plans to go to a music festival on Saturday together. 11pm was approaching and it was time to leave finally. He asked if he could walk me to my car and when we got to it, he leaned in for a sweet, gentle peck on the lips. With that we shared giggly smiles as we both got into our respective vehicles. It was a nice ending to the date. When I got home, I texted him to let him know I had a nice evening. He responded with the same.
I didn't hear from him at all the following day.
The day after that, I texted to finalize plans for Saturday, simply asking "Are you still interested in going with me to the festival tomorrow? ;) ", thinking I would get an astounding "YES!" back from him. Instead what I received was, "I'm sorry. I'm no longer interested. It was nice meeting you."
What?
What could have happened between the nice peck and flirty smiles and my follow up text?
What I really wanted to do was ask him what had happened. Instead, I am left to wonder why.
I was finally looking past some of my past deal breakers to give a nice guy a shot and I get shot down. My fortune cookie today said "Your Love Life Will Be Happy And Harmonious" ...wish it said when because it is anything but right now!
June 4, 2014
All Or Nothing? 6/1/14: Mr. Wine Country
By now you know I am looking for the real deal. I am not dating to just hookup or play games. However, it seems that all I find are the guys who are looking for just a hookup or to "have fun" OR the guys who practically propose on a first date.
Does it have to be ALL OR NOTHING?
I met a guy while wine tasting last weekend; he was a designated driver with a company I had tried to book a week prior to no avail. While being drivin from winary to winery by aother company's driver, Mr. Wine Country jumped out of the car he was driving to take my friend and I's photo by the grapevines when he saw us taking selfies. He introduced himself and was VERY personable and outgoing. I recognized the name of his company and told him I thought I had his number in my phone. He told me to use it later that night so he could meet up with us.
While we were way too exhausted to go out after a full day of wine tasting, I did text him and he planned on meeting up in the morning before we left town.
He kept to his word and drove out to meet us for breakfast at our Inn. He was again very nice and knowledgeable about the Wine Country, wine making, good restaurants etc. in the area, which I expected in his line of work. I learned a little about him and what I heard I was liking. We texted all the way home. I was learning more and more and the more distance that seperated us, the more I realized he may have just been a birthday ego boost find and nothing more.
He was 41, was trying to apply to schools to go back for his BS, lived at home with his mother up in Wine Country; only drove on the weekends for extra cash and picked up odd/end jobs doing construction when he could. Never married, no kids and had a dream to start a small restuarant in Malibu and make his own wine. He was upfront about wanting a relationship with me and had a 3 year plan before he would be able to even think about possibly moving to my area. He wanted to skip the dating and go straight to marriage. He was already talking about me moving up North to be closer to him while he went to school.
While I really like the enthusiasm, it is a red flag to me. I want someone who is into me a lot but so soon after meeting is a bit scary.
I am not ready to jump into a long distance relationship and definitely not ready to move for any man after meeting twice.
I drove up to Santa Barbara to meet him for a lovely date but after learning he has no money for gas to come down to meet me further, I don't think this will turn into a relationship. When he told me I had to call him because his data plan was used up for the month, it sort of sealed the deal for me. I don't need a rich man but I am used to a certain lifestyle and I have realized I have outgrown the lifestyle of my youth. If I am to go older by 9 years, he needs to be at my financial level at the very least. I do not want a forever student that I have to take care of financially. I don't want a man I can't text because he can't afford a better phone plan. I don't want a man that I have to drive 2 hours to see because he doesn't have the gas money to drive to see me.
While Mr. Wine Country may be a great success in 3+ years, at this point in my life I don't have the time to gamble on a maybe. I've gambled on men with the same name too many times now; I should know better than to wait around and hope.
Does it have to be ALL OR NOTHING?
I met a guy while wine tasting last weekend; he was a designated driver with a company I had tried to book a week prior to no avail. While being drivin from winary to winery by aother company's driver, Mr. Wine Country jumped out of the car he was driving to take my friend and I's photo by the grapevines when he saw us taking selfies. He introduced himself and was VERY personable and outgoing. I recognized the name of his company and told him I thought I had his number in my phone. He told me to use it later that night so he could meet up with us.
While we were way too exhausted to go out after a full day of wine tasting, I did text him and he planned on meeting up in the morning before we left town.
He kept to his word and drove out to meet us for breakfast at our Inn. He was again very nice and knowledgeable about the Wine Country, wine making, good restaurants etc. in the area, which I expected in his line of work. I learned a little about him and what I heard I was liking. We texted all the way home. I was learning more and more and the more distance that seperated us, the more I realized he may have just been a birthday ego boost find and nothing more.
He was 41, was trying to apply to schools to go back for his BS, lived at home with his mother up in Wine Country; only drove on the weekends for extra cash and picked up odd/end jobs doing construction when he could. Never married, no kids and had a dream to start a small restuarant in Malibu and make his own wine. He was upfront about wanting a relationship with me and had a 3 year plan before he would be able to even think about possibly moving to my area. He wanted to skip the dating and go straight to marriage. He was already talking about me moving up North to be closer to him while he went to school.
While I really like the enthusiasm, it is a red flag to me. I want someone who is into me a lot but so soon after meeting is a bit scary.
I am not ready to jump into a long distance relationship and definitely not ready to move for any man after meeting twice.
I drove up to Santa Barbara to meet him for a lovely date but after learning he has no money for gas to come down to meet me further, I don't think this will turn into a relationship. When he told me I had to call him because his data plan was used up for the month, it sort of sealed the deal for me. I don't need a rich man but I am used to a certain lifestyle and I have realized I have outgrown the lifestyle of my youth. If I am to go older by 9 years, he needs to be at my financial level at the very least. I do not want a forever student that I have to take care of financially. I don't want a man I can't text because he can't afford a better phone plan. I don't want a man that I have to drive 2 hours to see because he doesn't have the gas money to drive to see me.
While Mr. Wine Country may be a great success in 3+ years, at this point in my life I don't have the time to gamble on a maybe. I've gambled on men with the same name too many times now; I should know better than to wait around and hope.
May 29, 2014
Bring Back Chivalry
Morals, Respect, Chivalry...these things don't have to be dead people!
We can resuscitate them with a little practice.
I can across a blog this morning that had 10 Old-Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Bring Back and it got me thinking....why did these ever go away? Why don't men ask a girl out anymore or bring a girl flowers, open doors, ASK before touching? And the one that REALLY bothers me is calling it what it is! If you are spending time together, going out and getting to know one another with a mutual attraction; you are DATING. If neither of you are seeing other people, you are going steady or exclusive. Guys these days call it "hanging out" or "hooking up" or "chilling" or "meet up" and it's annoying!
If you get a moment, take a look at the blog for yourself to see the full list of dating habits we should bring back. The more eyes see it, the more likely we are to change the dating world! ;)
We can resuscitate them with a little practice.
I can across a blog this morning that had 10 Old-Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Bring Back and it got me thinking....why did these ever go away? Why don't men ask a girl out anymore or bring a girl flowers, open doors, ASK before touching? And the one that REALLY bothers me is calling it what it is! If you are spending time together, going out and getting to know one another with a mutual attraction; you are DATING. If neither of you are seeing other people, you are going steady or exclusive. Guys these days call it "hanging out" or "hooking up" or "chilling" or "meet up" and it's annoying!
If you get a moment, take a look at the blog for yourself to see the full list of dating habits we should bring back. The more eyes see it, the more likely we are to change the dating world! ;)
May 28, 2014
So Little Time!
"So many men, so little time" Is something a SEX IN THE CITY episode would say...here in the suburbs, I have so many plans, things to do, crafts and friends that I can barely find time to set a date for a date. My schedule the last few weeks has been so jam packed that I barely have enough time to breath let alone date. Now, don't get me wrong, I love all my plans and crafts; the problem however is it got me thinking....
If I can't even find the time to go on a date, how on Earth am I ever going to find the time for a relationship? I have become so set in my ways and used to planning for only myself and what I want to do that I don't know how anyone else will ever fit into my life at this point. Have I lost the ability to become flexible to someone else's needs?
I remember how it was when I was in a relationship and how open I was to doing whatever it was HE wanted to do. It was easy though because neither of us really had any friends other than each other. My life has changed drastically in the last few years, for the better...or so I thought. I have caught myself the past couple weeks (as my 32nd Birthday fast approaches), trying to talk myself into the idea of not finding a man or having babies and being okay with that. I don't fully believe it yet but I do see that I am becoming less and less hopeful.
They say that after 35 it starts becoming dangerous for myself and future offspring...I know a lot of women have children later in life and it's socially acceptable but it is not acceptable for my life plan that I've had since I was 5! I always wanted to have kids young and a lot of them. As I turn 32, my window is closing in daily. The older you are with dating, I see that relationships move quicker than when we were in our 20's but at this point I need to find a man; one that I actually approve of and love enough to actually have a child with (which has proven WAY harder than I ever thought possible), fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, buy a house...then have a baby, in that order, all within the next 3 years. I always wanted that timeline and to be able to enjoy each step. While it is possible it is not probable.
At what point do you give up on your dreams and be okay with a plan b?
I have wonderful family and friends surrounding me and I get to be an Auntie to so many of my friends' kids and they fill a little piece of my heart that can only be filled by children; another small piece of that puzzle is filled by knowing I've donated eggs successfully and there are children in this world because of me. If I never have my own to raise I will be okay...i think.
Sometimes I wish I was not so careful and smart. If I were to do one night stands or flings or hook-ups, I could have had a "mistake" by now. I could have fallen into a relationship with someone I thought was totally wrong for me but given a chance turned out to be the perfect guy. Have I missed opportunities by thinking too much? Do I need to lower my standards to get what I want and then is it even what I want at that point? Perhaps I've been too hurt by men in my life that I am incapable of thinking any of them measure up and will be good fathers. Maybe my deep seeded issues are finally catching up with me and I am just doomed.....
If I can't even find the time to go on a date, how on Earth am I ever going to find the time for a relationship? I have become so set in my ways and used to planning for only myself and what I want to do that I don't know how anyone else will ever fit into my life at this point. Have I lost the ability to become flexible to someone else's needs?
I remember how it was when I was in a relationship and how open I was to doing whatever it was HE wanted to do. It was easy though because neither of us really had any friends other than each other. My life has changed drastically in the last few years, for the better...or so I thought. I have caught myself the past couple weeks (as my 32nd Birthday fast approaches), trying to talk myself into the idea of not finding a man or having babies and being okay with that. I don't fully believe it yet but I do see that I am becoming less and less hopeful.
They say that after 35 it starts becoming dangerous for myself and future offspring...I know a lot of women have children later in life and it's socially acceptable but it is not acceptable for my life plan that I've had since I was 5! I always wanted to have kids young and a lot of them. As I turn 32, my window is closing in daily. The older you are with dating, I see that relationships move quicker than when we were in our 20's but at this point I need to find a man; one that I actually approve of and love enough to actually have a child with (which has proven WAY harder than I ever thought possible), fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, buy a house...then have a baby, in that order, all within the next 3 years. I always wanted that timeline and to be able to enjoy each step. While it is possible it is not probable.
At what point do you give up on your dreams and be okay with a plan b?
I have wonderful family and friends surrounding me and I get to be an Auntie to so many of my friends' kids and they fill a little piece of my heart that can only be filled by children; another small piece of that puzzle is filled by knowing I've donated eggs successfully and there are children in this world because of me. If I never have my own to raise I will be okay...i think.
Sometimes I wish I was not so careful and smart. If I were to do one night stands or flings or hook-ups, I could have had a "mistake" by now. I could have fallen into a relationship with someone I thought was totally wrong for me but given a chance turned out to be the perfect guy. Have I missed opportunities by thinking too much? Do I need to lower my standards to get what I want and then is it even what I want at that point? Perhaps I've been too hurt by men in my life that I am incapable of thinking any of them measure up and will be good fathers. Maybe my deep seeded issues are finally catching up with me and I am just doomed.....
May 23, 2014
Self Realizations: Part 1
Abandonment Issues
I never thought or wanted to be a victim of anything, let alone a mental issue! Once a friend pointed out that she recently realized she had severe abandonment issues herself, it got me thinking. We both had similarities in how we were raised and grew up. After our conversation I looked online at the symptoms and characteristics of a person with abandonment issues and I "passed" the test with flying colors.
Since I was 11, there has been an amazing male role model and dad in my life. My past was just that and I didn't think about it often. I never considered myself to have "daddy-issues" or any issues from the way I was raised. My mom did everything she could for us and I think considering the circumstances, I had an amazing childhood. Sure, I was a latch-key kid and there were problems with my real father but I felt normal(ish). Never once as an adult did I think I had any emotional scaring or baggage that would lead me to issues with dating or men. Everyone has their issues and baggage and I didn't think I was any more damaged then the next person.
The moment I realized I actually did have deep down issues and was more damaged than the normal person, I tried to examine my dating life in a new perspective to find what it was that was keeping me from finding my Mr. Right and making terrible choices.
A big one is that I don't feel I deserve a really amazing guy. I want to think I know that I DO deserve but deep down I know I feel like I don't. That wasn't confusing or anything, was it? LOL
I always think that the good ones will find me too damaged eventually so I leave before they have the oppurtunity to.
I stay in bad relationships far too long because I think I can fix them! If I stay in a little longer, it will somehow magically heal me inside because it would be a metaphor to fix my abandonment problems. Like, I wasn't able to fix my biological father from abandoning me/us but if I could fix this relationship without it ending or me pulling out, all would be fixed. It might not be with the best guy but it has been with guys I felt I deserved.
Its tough to examine yourself and your bad dating habits! To make realizations and say them out loud...I do believe it is just step 1 into making real changes and creating new habits that are healthier. Just a few days into my cleanse and already I am feeling like I am making progress.....
I never thought or wanted to be a victim of anything, let alone a mental issue! Once a friend pointed out that she recently realized she had severe abandonment issues herself, it got me thinking. We both had similarities in how we were raised and grew up. After our conversation I looked online at the symptoms and characteristics of a person with abandonment issues and I "passed" the test with flying colors.
Since I was 11, there has been an amazing male role model and dad in my life. My past was just that and I didn't think about it often. I never considered myself to have "daddy-issues" or any issues from the way I was raised. My mom did everything she could for us and I think considering the circumstances, I had an amazing childhood. Sure, I was a latch-key kid and there were problems with my real father but I felt normal(ish). Never once as an adult did I think I had any emotional scaring or baggage that would lead me to issues with dating or men. Everyone has their issues and baggage and I didn't think I was any more damaged then the next person.
The moment I realized I actually did have deep down issues and was more damaged than the normal person, I tried to examine my dating life in a new perspective to find what it was that was keeping me from finding my Mr. Right and making terrible choices.
A big one is that I don't feel I deserve a really amazing guy. I want to think I know that I DO deserve but deep down I know I feel like I don't. That wasn't confusing or anything, was it? LOL
I always think that the good ones will find me too damaged eventually so I leave before they have the oppurtunity to.
I stay in bad relationships far too long because I think I can fix them! If I stay in a little longer, it will somehow magically heal me inside because it would be a metaphor to fix my abandonment problems. Like, I wasn't able to fix my biological father from abandoning me/us but if I could fix this relationship without it ending or me pulling out, all would be fixed. It might not be with the best guy but it has been with guys I felt I deserved.
Its tough to examine yourself and your bad dating habits! To make realizations and say them out loud...I do believe it is just step 1 into making real changes and creating new habits that are healthier. Just a few days into my cleanse and already I am feeling like I am making progress.....
May 21, 2014
5/20/14: Mr. Yearly
Since I've been off the grid (for a whole 3 days!)...I still have a few guys on the roster to get through. That sounds terrible, right? "To get through"? Wow.
Mr. Yearly and I had met on MATCH almost exactly a year ago. At that time his car was having issues and he did not have any transportation to meet up. He ride his bike a couple miles to work and didn't have much of a social life. While I found him attractive in the looks dept. I pretty much had written him off due to the fact I didn't want to be his chauffeur.
When he popped up on the Tinder app a few weeks ago, he looked familiar so I swiped right and we had matched. He started messaging me through the app and we realized we still had each others phone numbers in our phones so we started to text. Turns out he now has a motorcyle and we decided to meet for one drink on a Tuesday night.
The place we decided to meet at was totally dead! It made it a little awkward but gave us the opportunity to talk easily. Mr. Yearly mumbles and I had to strain to hear him; he had one wonky tooth that stuck out form the others which I found to be distracting. We talked mostly about children, which was weird but I was fine with. Nieces, Nephews, babysitting, friends' kids, dating people with kids, stay at home dads...
We also talked about dating as you get older and the Tinder app. He had roomates who also used the app and what he told me was eye opening.
His buddies used it when they were bored and even if they were into a girl, they found the app too tempting to stop! So, rather than being focused on the girl they liked and found to be as a potential for more, they couldn't give their full focus because there were girls on the app who may be easier and men being men, they kept juggling more and more women becuase it was an ego booster and the girls that could have been more became lost in the shuffle. This made TOTAL sense to me because well, men are pigs...and I feel I have been that girl that got lost in the shuffle! I didn't understand at the time why the guys always seem to disappear after a great date or start to text less and less but it totally makes sense now!
The date wasn't terrible but there also was no real spark. He reminded me of the kind of guy I would have ended up with if I had grown up in Torrance. A grease monkey who works on cars but can't afford a car himself. He lived with his parents in Simi Valley and while I am not a princess, I do expect to have a certain lifestyle even if I have to work for it myself. A seemingly nice guy but there was not even the desire to kiss him at the end of our date. We exchange an awkward hug after he put on his heavy, hard motorcylce jacket (he rode a 600, whatever that means) and said goodnight as we walked to our separate vehicles.
Once he got to his destination, he texted me that he had a great time. The next morning he texted to say good morning...While I am pleasant and respond, I think he might get lost in my shuffle and busy schedule. Maybe I will hear from him a year from now and he will be better...?
Mr. Yearly and I had met on MATCH almost exactly a year ago. At that time his car was having issues and he did not have any transportation to meet up. He ride his bike a couple miles to work and didn't have much of a social life. While I found him attractive in the looks dept. I pretty much had written him off due to the fact I didn't want to be his chauffeur.
When he popped up on the Tinder app a few weeks ago, he looked familiar so I swiped right and we had matched. He started messaging me through the app and we realized we still had each others phone numbers in our phones so we started to text. Turns out he now has a motorcyle and we decided to meet for one drink on a Tuesday night.
The place we decided to meet at was totally dead! It made it a little awkward but gave us the opportunity to talk easily. Mr. Yearly mumbles and I had to strain to hear him; he had one wonky tooth that stuck out form the others which I found to be distracting. We talked mostly about children, which was weird but I was fine with. Nieces, Nephews, babysitting, friends' kids, dating people with kids, stay at home dads...
We also talked about dating as you get older and the Tinder app. He had roomates who also used the app and what he told me was eye opening.
His buddies used it when they were bored and even if they were into a girl, they found the app too tempting to stop! So, rather than being focused on the girl they liked and found to be as a potential for more, they couldn't give their full focus because there were girls on the app who may be easier and men being men, they kept juggling more and more women becuase it was an ego booster and the girls that could have been more became lost in the shuffle. This made TOTAL sense to me because well, men are pigs...and I feel I have been that girl that got lost in the shuffle! I didn't understand at the time why the guys always seem to disappear after a great date or start to text less and less but it totally makes sense now!
The date wasn't terrible but there also was no real spark. He reminded me of the kind of guy I would have ended up with if I had grown up in Torrance. A grease monkey who works on cars but can't afford a car himself. He lived with his parents in Simi Valley and while I am not a princess, I do expect to have a certain lifestyle even if I have to work for it myself. A seemingly nice guy but there was not even the desire to kiss him at the end of our date. We exchange an awkward hug after he put on his heavy, hard motorcylce jacket (he rode a 600, whatever that means) and said goodnight as we walked to our separate vehicles.
Once he got to his destination, he texted me that he had a great time. The next morning he texted to say good morning...While I am pleasant and respond, I think he might get lost in my shuffle and busy schedule. Maybe I will hear from him a year from now and he will be better...?
May 19, 2014
Off The Grid: A Dating Cleanse
I enjoy writing lists; for everything! From a simple grocery list to packing lists for trips, favorite karaoke songs to sing, timelines for parties, etc. I realized I have a problem however when I had to start writing out a list of the guys I was talking to in order to keep track. I had their names, their phone numbers and any information that would allow me to remember who was who, such as age, location, job or a physical trait that I remembered. This past Friday I had a current list of 20 men. 5 had been crossed out as potentials that week after I had met and realized there was nothing worth considering long term. I left work on Friday with 15 still on the list.
The last 2 guys I had met up with knew upfront my stand on getting too physical too quickly and both had still tried to make a pass and made me uncomfortable. This only increased my thoughts that men on the dating sites were only after one thing, even if they pretended they were on the same page! Even the ones I had met that said they were looking for a relationship had only shown their true colors after a few dates and ended up being emotionally damaged, incapable of having a relationship OR creepy/stalker types.
I also made the realization that I wasn't dating to find a potential life mate either, but once again dating for just entertainment. I was bored and had grown even more jaded and picky. It was a numbers game at this point in my life and I was in such a hurry to obtain as many names/numbers as possible in a desperate hope to just get attention and to fill in my down time with something to do in order to not look at the real problem(s) in my own life.
It wasn't even online dating anymore, but an even more convenient, take with you anywhere APP. We don't even call it an application, but abbreviate it to APP; our conversations are abbreviated and we have become lazy with our dating. There is a problem here. I need to change something in my life, become more active in my choosing a mate and not allowing my life to be ruined by apps and lists. I need to take a step away from the online and app dating in order to find myself again and pin point my own issues as to why I may be so picky, jaded or not allowing myself to really get serious about finding Mr. Right.
After a long conversation with my bestie, we decided to DELETE the apps and the profiles and get OFF THE GRID for awhile. There is no one on those sites that I would actually find myself falling in love with; everyone is on there for different reasons but finding a life long, real deal love seems to not be one of them. I've had many many experiences and I am glad I did it but it is time to let love find me. We are giving it 3 months with no online or app meeting/dating; she doesn't think I can make it.
What will become of my dating life while off the grid? Is it even possible in this day and age? They say everyone is online now and if you want to meet anyone, you have to be as well. I believed this to be true for too many years now and the only 2 guys in the last year that lasted more then 2 dates had been with men I met randomly in real life. This tells me that it is still possible and I need to explore this old school option if I want to find a man with old school morals and characteristics that I want. I need to re-examine myself; what I want, why I do what I do, etc. This experiment seems even stranger than my 100 dates in a year thing for some reason, and it shouldn't. I almost feel like I am embarking on a juice cleanse or fasting. Kind of makes sense because I am hoping I will come out of this stronger and healthier (in myself and in dating)
The last 2 guys I had met up with knew upfront my stand on getting too physical too quickly and both had still tried to make a pass and made me uncomfortable. This only increased my thoughts that men on the dating sites were only after one thing, even if they pretended they were on the same page! Even the ones I had met that said they were looking for a relationship had only shown their true colors after a few dates and ended up being emotionally damaged, incapable of having a relationship OR creepy/stalker types.
I also made the realization that I wasn't dating to find a potential life mate either, but once again dating for just entertainment. I was bored and had grown even more jaded and picky. It was a numbers game at this point in my life and I was in such a hurry to obtain as many names/numbers as possible in a desperate hope to just get attention and to fill in my down time with something to do in order to not look at the real problem(s) in my own life.
It wasn't even online dating anymore, but an even more convenient, take with you anywhere APP. We don't even call it an application, but abbreviate it to APP; our conversations are abbreviated and we have become lazy with our dating. There is a problem here. I need to change something in my life, become more active in my choosing a mate and not allowing my life to be ruined by apps and lists. I need to take a step away from the online and app dating in order to find myself again and pin point my own issues as to why I may be so picky, jaded or not allowing myself to really get serious about finding Mr. Right.
After a long conversation with my bestie, we decided to DELETE the apps and the profiles and get OFF THE GRID for awhile. There is no one on those sites that I would actually find myself falling in love with; everyone is on there for different reasons but finding a life long, real deal love seems to not be one of them. I've had many many experiences and I am glad I did it but it is time to let love find me. We are giving it 3 months with no online or app meeting/dating; she doesn't think I can make it.
What will become of my dating life while off the grid? Is it even possible in this day and age? They say everyone is online now and if you want to meet anyone, you have to be as well. I believed this to be true for too many years now and the only 2 guys in the last year that lasted more then 2 dates had been with men I met randomly in real life. This tells me that it is still possible and I need to explore this old school option if I want to find a man with old school morals and characteristics that I want. I need to re-examine myself; what I want, why I do what I do, etc. This experiment seems even stranger than my 100 dates in a year thing for some reason, and it shouldn't. I almost feel like I am embarking on a juice cleanse or fasting. Kind of makes sense because I am hoping I will come out of this stronger and healthier (in myself and in dating)
May 18, 2014
5/17/14: Mr. Piano Man, Round 2
I had met up with Mr. Piano Man during one of my triple booked evenings, after weeks of texting. I had met him randomly and in real life, not on an app or dating site. I found him extremely adorable and sexy and oh so talented! While I didnt think anything was really there romantically, he has been texting me ever since our date. While he lives pretty far from me in the city, he does work at a restaurant as the entertainment every now and then. When he is near, we try to meet up if our schedules allow.
It was a Saturday night and my friends and I were just hanging at a house, drinking wine, talking and playing pool. It was a totally casual evening and Mr. Piano Man was in town so I decided to invite him over. I was not in a mood (nor was I sober) to drive to meet him. To my surprise, he wants to come to the house and just hang out with me and my friends! He gets tot he house and walks in, he melds very well with the group and is personable, funny, charming, etc. He fits in nicely. When everyone gets tired and starts to peel off to go to bed one at a time, Mr. Piano Man still looks comfortable. We start a game of pool, just the two of us and things start to heat up.
Having had probably one too many glasses of some kind of vodka-gatorade (or whatever we had for mixer), I allow a little too much than I normally would have, but it wasn't a first date and the only thing keeping me from really liking Mr. Piano Man is my own thought that I am not good enough for him. I've been making excuses in my head; "I'm not skinny enough for him", "he is too talented to like me", "he is probably just bored and wasting time with me until he finds someone better", "he is just going to run off and be uber famous someday and will have his pick of girls!" ...
The quote is so true and hits home on this one! I KNOW that I should think I deserve more but how do you actually change your way of thinking? I am holding myself back from many opportunities because deep down I don't think I deserve a good guy. This could stem from issues I haven't fully explored yet but hope to during an "OFF THE GRID" phase of dating I am considering.
Mr. Piano Man is actually making the effort to keep in contact with me and trying to plan our next date. He liked my friends and is talking about trying to drive up to where we are camping this weekend to hang for a few hours before he has to work in the evenings; I don't think I really believe that he likes me yet but I am trying!
It was a Saturday night and my friends and I were just hanging at a house, drinking wine, talking and playing pool. It was a totally casual evening and Mr. Piano Man was in town so I decided to invite him over. I was not in a mood (nor was I sober) to drive to meet him. To my surprise, he wants to come to the house and just hang out with me and my friends! He gets tot he house and walks in, he melds very well with the group and is personable, funny, charming, etc. He fits in nicely. When everyone gets tired and starts to peel off to go to bed one at a time, Mr. Piano Man still looks comfortable. We start a game of pool, just the two of us and things start to heat up.
Having had probably one too many glasses of some kind of vodka-gatorade (or whatever we had for mixer), I allow a little too much than I normally would have, but it wasn't a first date and the only thing keeping me from really liking Mr. Piano Man is my own thought that I am not good enough for him. I've been making excuses in my head; "I'm not skinny enough for him", "he is too talented to like me", "he is probably just bored and wasting time with me until he finds someone better", "he is just going to run off and be uber famous someday and will have his pick of girls!" ...
“We accept the love we think we deserve."
The quote is so true and hits home on this one! I KNOW that I should think I deserve more but how do you actually change your way of thinking? I am holding myself back from many opportunities because deep down I don't think I deserve a good guy. This could stem from issues I haven't fully explored yet but hope to during an "OFF THE GRID" phase of dating I am considering.
Mr. Piano Man is actually making the effort to keep in contact with me and trying to plan our next date. He liked my friends and is talking about trying to drive up to where we are camping this weekend to hang for a few hours before he has to work in the evenings; I don't think I really believe that he likes me yet but I am trying!
May 16, 2014
Effort
Men, a little effort goes a long way!
If the woman in your life is telling you exactly what she wants or needs, listen! This is her way of saying she needs more effort from you and she is trying to help you;to give you a roadmap to what it is she is looking for.
If she is doing this for you, it is not to criticize or belittle the efforts you may (or may not) be making, but rather to assist you in your quest to make her happy. Think of it as giving you a Christmas wish list list rather than letting you fend for the perfect present all on your own.
Woman, we need to out in effort as well. Effort to look good for out man, listen to his rambling about work or sports, effort to not talk as much as we probably want to because he doesn't care or listen anyhow...effort to make decisions because they hate when we can't make up our minds all the time...
I recently contemplated recycling Mr. Four seasons. I had a weak moment and slightly opened the possibility the other night to him. While I haven't physically seen him, there has been some flirty texts and calls, however his schedule is still too crazy for him to carve out anytime before 10pm for me. I don't feel that a late night hang at his place is putting in any effort that would transition to anything more than what we had which was me being bored and him getting his way. I told him point blank that I needed more effort from him. His form of effort was asking me over. The simple offer to drive the 10 minutes to my place wasn't even something he could do. He felt justified that he had done his part by simpley inviting me over.
I knew once there we wouldn't talk, we wouldn't do much of anything but watch tv in bed and fall asleep. There is no way I am starting things up again to just leave off where things ended. I need and deserve more.
A text to say you're thinking of me.
This takes mere seconds and can be done from practically anywhere yet shows a girl that you care! I don't care who you are or how busy your schedule is, this one should be a no brainer!
Drive to her. I don't care if it's the first date or you've been dating for months; the guy should make the effort to drive to the woman! In my situation with Mr. Four Seasons, if he wants to start things back up, he should be making the effort as if it is brand new and he isn't.
Flowers.
Even the girl who says she doesn't like flowers, likes flowers. You don't have to remember her favorite type or spend a small fortune on an elaborate bouquet. A girl like me likes the hand picked, stolen from the neighbors garden kind of flowers. It just has to be a simple gesture that means you are putting effort into the relationship. I've had guys bring me plastic gas station flowers, I've gotten single red rose from a first date, the ones who found snap dragons for me (my personal fav), guys who have sent me bouquets at work, even one who gave me pots, soil and bulbs to plant with him so we could watch them grow together. While he didn't last till that spring, the effort they all made to make me smile will forever be with me.
Sidebar to the flowers; don't just do it when she is upset! The just because I'm thinkin about you flowers are where the real effort to keep the romance in the relationship lie!
Spend time.
We are ALL busy. It is making the effort to spend the time you do have with the girl count. Woman just want to feel wanted in my opinion. You need to find what it is she needs during the time you spend with her. Does she need to talk? Does she need to be held? Does she need you to be a man and take her upstairs? It depends on the woman and her mood and you only learn is by spending time with her.
While I did not give into Mr. Four Seasons and his request for me to drive over to see him tonight, I did learn that he was not and will not make any effort to keep me around even after I've told him exactly what it is I needed without him having to do any of the leg work. He is a sweet guy and will be a great husband and father someday to someone perhaps a little less needy than myself (although I don't think I am too demanding or needy, he seems to think I am).
He has frustrated me more than anyone I've ever met, and I'm sure I've frustrated him on more then one occasion. We don't see eye to eye on anything yet we both have this attraction to one another. I believe my attraction is more of a forecast of what I think he can and will be like in the future, as opposed to what and who he actually is. This is the wrong way to see anyone though and I need to just see what is here in front of me and not what I think or want to see! This was the same reason I was in a 7 years on/off relationship with me ex. I wanted so badly the future I had in my head I was willing to put up with a crappy present for something that was not guaranteed!
Ladies, try to see what is in front of you. If he isn't making the effort at the beginning, he isnt going to make it, period!
May 14, 2014
Recycling, It's enevidable!
There comes a point in every (still single) adults life where they get so lonely or desperate for a daily human connection (ie:relationship), that we go through our phones to reconnect with the best of the worst; the ones that weren't as terrible as the others. You start thinking and trying to rationalize your choice by thinking that maybe you were too hard on them the first time around or maybe you were being too picky back then. You've grown since then, you're sure they have too.
Maybe you take a less aggressive approach then a phone call, so you find them on Facebook or Instagram: maybe shoot them a single, short text with a cute emojicon to seem non shalont.
You had a connection at one point, so it had to be easier this time around, right?
You are so sick of meeting strangers and having the same conversations over and over. It is exhausting. You want to skip the BS and go right to the comfortable stage; when things are still new but easy. In the back of your mind you KNOW that it's a mistake to connect an ex. It ended for a reason and people don't change. The exact reason you ended it will still be there in the end but you are so over the whole dating scene, you think WHAT THE HELL!?
You make first contact...which is in fact the FIRST MISTAKE!
You don't want to be the one crawling back first. It seems desperate...but who are you kidding, you are desperate! You push back all your feelings of doubt and now wait for the reply. If they reply back, they usually want you back as well; usually just for the sex though. You hope they are still single and you can go out for a drink to rekindle your lost love.
If we instinctively know that it won't pan out in the end, why do we put ourselves through the recycle heartbreak? Is it because it hurts less the 2nd time around and we are just striving to feel something with less sting? Perhaps it is because we are so lonely and feel we have run out of new prospects in a sea of marrieds here in the suburbs; we don't want to up our NUMBER for yet another stranger and want the physical relationship of someone comfortable...maybe it is just because we are straight up BORED?
I've been a victim of all of the above feelings at one point or another. Being single in the suburbs is not easy. I think back to high school and how easy it was to just pick from a sea of boys, all in one area. When you were done with one crush you already had another lined up. Oh how I wish I had made more of that opportunity! I took it for granted. Now, I miss the CRUSH. I haven't had a crush in years; not even a fantasy famous crush. I've become jaded.
There is no place like high school (that I've found anyway), that has a bunch of single people all in one area, ripe for the pickin'. Even if there was, I think I am so beyond jaded that I wouldn't even go, thinking all the singles would be losers; but I AM ONE OF THOSE! :/ eek.
I live in the suburbs where young families and the olds live. Singles are the minority here. While driving down the streets I see fit young dads running with strollers; just as I start to fall for the (in my mind), cute, single dad and I think about the possibilities of dating a man already in the position to have a family...the blinding glare of the sun hitting his wedding ring is enough to knock me right back into my lonely single life. There are good days where I don't think about it much and there are those days that make me re-think every relationship I've ever been in and if any of them would work now. I've been a victim of recycling before and I am sure I will again at a weak moment.
Hell, even the Tinder app is telling me that "THERE IS NO ONE NEW AROUND YOU"! I guess it is time to re-think my pickiness...or move! :P
You had a connection at one point, so it had to be easier this time around, right?
You are so sick of meeting strangers and having the same conversations over and over. It is exhausting. You want to skip the BS and go right to the comfortable stage; when things are still new but easy. In the back of your mind you KNOW that it's a mistake to connect an ex. It ended for a reason and people don't change. The exact reason you ended it will still be there in the end but you are so over the whole dating scene, you think WHAT THE HELL!?
You make first contact...which is in fact the FIRST MISTAKE!
You don't want to be the one crawling back first. It seems desperate...but who are you kidding, you are desperate! You push back all your feelings of doubt and now wait for the reply. If they reply back, they usually want you back as well; usually just for the sex though. You hope they are still single and you can go out for a drink to rekindle your lost love.
If we instinctively know that it won't pan out in the end, why do we put ourselves through the recycle heartbreak? Is it because it hurts less the 2nd time around and we are just striving to feel something with less sting? Perhaps it is because we are so lonely and feel we have run out of new prospects in a sea of marrieds here in the suburbs; we don't want to up our NUMBER for yet another stranger and want the physical relationship of someone comfortable...maybe it is just because we are straight up BORED?
I've been a victim of all of the above feelings at one point or another. Being single in the suburbs is not easy. I think back to high school and how easy it was to just pick from a sea of boys, all in one area. When you were done with one crush you already had another lined up. Oh how I wish I had made more of that opportunity! I took it for granted. Now, I miss the CRUSH. I haven't had a crush in years; not even a fantasy famous crush. I've become jaded.
There is no place like high school (that I've found anyway), that has a bunch of single people all in one area, ripe for the pickin'. Even if there was, I think I am so beyond jaded that I wouldn't even go, thinking all the singles would be losers; but I AM ONE OF THOSE! :/ eek.
I live in the suburbs where young families and the olds live. Singles are the minority here. While driving down the streets I see fit young dads running with strollers; just as I start to fall for the (in my mind), cute, single dad and I think about the possibilities of dating a man already in the position to have a family...the blinding glare of the sun hitting his wedding ring is enough to knock me right back into my lonely single life. There are good days where I don't think about it much and there are those days that make me re-think every relationship I've ever been in and if any of them would work now. I've been a victim of recycling before and I am sure I will again at a weak moment.
Hell, even the Tinder app is telling me that "THERE IS NO ONE NEW AROUND YOU"! I guess it is time to re-think my pickiness...or move! :P
May 10, 2014
5/9/2014: The rules of dating? (Mr.S)
What are the rules of dating and should we even be putting rules in place in the first place?
If rules are meant to be broken, are we just putting them there as a safety net or an excuse for when things go wrong?
I am a firm believer in the no sex on a first date rule, however I think if I were to meet the right guy that I was overwhelmingly attracted to, I could see myself possibly breaking this rule.
As a result however I don't think a serious relationship would blossom after such a trist because men are pigs and usually wouldn't call once the prize had been won. (In rare cases I am aware that it can happen but I am speaking generally.)
I always thought that having sex too early on would ruin the possibility of a real meaningful relationship, it never crossed my mind that NOT having sex early on could have the same effect.
Last night I went on a first date with Mr. S...we chatted over text for about a week before making dinner plans on a Friday night. We were both up front and totally honest with facts about ourselves and the dinner was comfortable and nice. We shared a similar sense of humor which is huge for me. He kept me laughing and once dinner was over we sat in my car for awhile while we digested the food and more personal info about each other. We decided neither one of us were ready to end the night so choosing the seediest, closest bar, we go to people watch and for a cheap cocktail. Throughout the night I was VERY clear that I do not get physical with a man until I am comfortable in a dating relationship with him. All be it the conversations we were having did turn somewhat sexual, I made my stance very clear. I explained that I feel moving too fast can ruin a good thing before it starts and the importance to me to get to know someone personally before taking the step to get to know them physically. He seemed to understand and be on the same page.
Once we were over the scene at the bar, we decided to go back to my place for a movie and more drinks in a safer environment.
Usually going back to a house to watch a movie is code for some sexy time but I again made it very clear to him and he seemed on the same page with me. Once we got to my place, he picked out a movie and we sat on my bed (above the covers, fully clothed) and started to watch 'knocked up'.
Now, even IF the possibility of sex was on the table, what guy would choose knocked up? Because of his movie choice I felt confident that he fully understood my no sex on a first date rule. Well, my friend...I was wrong!
He went in for the first kiss and I allowed it. It was nice in fact. Then he started to get handsy. I had to swat, block, grab and replace his hand placement numerous times. He started to lean into his kisses harder to reposition me at which point I had to pull away completely and re declare my stance on physical relationships...yet again! I am not that girl. I am a good girl. To which he responded that while he heard me all night, my body was telling him something else. He found me to be very sexual and irresistible and he couldn't help himself.
What that just told me is that he wasn't listening to me, didn't respect me and just saw me as a sexual object.
He finally asked me what I wanted from the evening. "A nice, innocent first date!" And his reply was 'fine, night!' Without so much as a hug or even a glance back, he was out the door and in his car.
What is so wrong about an innocent first date? We are so groomed to getting instant gratification and there are too many women willing to give it up right away that men are conditioned to thinking a woman doesn't like him unless she is willing to get physical.
Maybe they are right?
Maybe something was just missing, making it hard for me to go there with him, like intuition or a gut feeling; something stopped me. On the surface he was a great guy. Perfect on paper kind. I had a good time and would have gone out with him again. There was something brewing though just under the surface; insecurities and anxieties I think that could cause issues down the road. I've been the insecure one before and delt with a guy with major anxiety issues. From our conversations he was also very sexual so the combination could be desastorous to his mental status, either way!
It was a lot to take in and I didn't want to go there. I would hope that if a guy really likes you for you he would respect your decision even if it wouldn't be his decision. He would make you feel comfortable and confident and at least pretend like he thought it was the right choice for the two of you.
When Mr. S left so abruptly I had felt ashamed and like an emotional slut. I had given him all of me; layed out all that I was and all that I hoped for verbally and he pretended to listen, all just in the hopes that I would allow him to also use me physically. He didn't respect me. He heard me but didn't listen. His argument was that he didn't need sex, a BJ would suffice...really?! What is the world coming to when a guy feels he can justify such a statement to a date?? What happened to romance and getting to know someone first? What happened to dating? When did hooking up become the norm? Maybe there should be a rule book in place so that everyone is playing the same game. I feel like I am playing gin rummy while everyone else is playing kinect. I may be old fashioned but someday a man will appreciate that, I hope.
Or perhaps I need to find the guy that makes me want to break the rule.
The perfect guy would respect me and my rule and while I'd want to break it, would keep me on course and not allow me to break it! ;)
He is out there, somewhere.
May 7, 2014
Double/Triple Booking
In the past couple of weeks I have double or triple booked myself twice.
I would not recommend ever double booking yourself!
It requires strategy, memorization and lots of stamina and time management.
April 2014 was a busy dating month for me. Mainly just to get back in the game after having a short lived, month long thing with Mr. Four Seasons.
I had Dinner at the Local Peasant with a British fellow on a Wednesday, Drinks in Sherman Oaks with a friend of a friends' boyfriend on a Friday, Sushi with another guy on a Saturday, and a blind date setup for the Magic Castle on a random Tuesday but the first time I ever double booked was a Thursday. I setup dinner with one guy after a full day of working and then drinks with another guy. The double book turned into a triple once the 2nd date went terrible and a guy I've known a long time asked me to join him at a bar later in the evening. Most random, hectic 5 hours of my entire life.
Dinner had gone okay; the guy was super tall but was that lanky weird skinny. He talked about conspiracy theories and the meaning of life the entire length of dinner. I knew about 5 minutes in that It wasn't going to work. He was smart and not funny. If you are smart, you should be smart enough to at least fake a personality/sense of humor. Don't guys know that girls need a man that can make her laugh?
Since it was a Thursday, I could use work as an excuse to "end" the night early. In reality, I had plans at 9 to meet date #2 for the evening. I was actually looking forward to date #2. It was with a musician. While I normally don't date musicians due to flakiness or "rock star" syndrome, I made an exception because he was SO talented; I was already a groupie after hearing him play at Mastro's a few weeks earlier and stalking his youtube channel. He had given me his number then and we'd been texting ever since. It had been weeks and tonight he finally had the time to meet up. Since his schedule was so busy I had a feeling it would be nothing more than a one date thing but I still wanted to spend some time with him. They were doing karaoke at a bar right down from my house, so I told him to meet me there after his set. He sang, I sang, we sang together, he was impressed by my singing, which amazed me, coming from a Broadway star...he was adorable and quirky. We danced and laughed and had a great time. He was also a few years younger and not looking for anything serious. I've kept in contact with him via text from time to time but I am sure nothing more than a friendship will occur. He is going on to much bigger and brighter places then the Suburbs of the BUBBLE.
Once I left Mr. Piano Man, I headed down the street to meet up with date #3. This was a guy I've known a long time that recently "MATCHED" me on the Tinder app; he was newly divorced and looking to hang out. What I didn't realize is that when date #2 went longer then expected, date #3 had gotten a head start on drinking alone at the bar. By the time I reached him, he was drunk and slurring. He could barley talk and I cut it super short. Once I reached my door at home, he texted me to come back and give him a ride. I declined and told him to call me when you're sober. Oddly enough, that was a title of a song I had sung earlier int he evening on date #2.
While it wasn't really three full dates, it was still exhausting and I wouldn't do it again!
Double booking however, I just did last night and oddly it ended fairly similar!
I met date #1 last night for Happy Hour. He was much shorter that I expected, had two different colored eyes and long shaggy hair and scruff. I was already sitting at a high top table and he literally had to hop up on the chair. I wanted to run immediately but I had to be nice. I wish I could be blunt like my girlfriend and just tell him "I'm Sorry, This just isn't going to work!" and walk out...my concience wouldn't let me, although I really thought about it!
He was originally from like Georgia or something and liked guns; to hunt and just shoot at cans in the desert. He also was a welder and went on for a good 40 minutes describing how to weld and get his pieces passed through an x-ray test...whatever that means? He also talked about a giant banana he had won at some fair. Even showed me pictures of said banana. No, that is not code for anything sexual; that would make for a better story at least! I was bored and wanted to leave, so again, glad it was a mid-week MEET UP, I could use work as an excuse to leave.
Sidenote: I keep saying MEET UP becuase the last few guys I have met from the Tinder app don't call the first meeting a date. They don't want to pay for dinner or go do any fun activities; they all want to meet for a beer or a coffee and call them MEET UPs. I get it and all; dating can get expensive and you never know how the chemistry is going to go but man! what happened to romance and men actually trying to win a girl over?!
Getting back to the story, I leave Mr. Banana to meet up with another Mr. Drunk....he had only been at the bar for 10 minutes before I arrived but had already done 3 shots. Immediately he is trying to hug and touch me, talking VERY close to my face and ear and I am doing nothing but pulling away from him the entire time. Another bar that has karaoke, I get up on stage to just get away from Mr. Drunk. There are only a handful pf people in the bar and people keep asking me for requests, so luckily I don't have to spend much time WITH my date. I sing three songs and then start to make my excuses for having to leave. While I am doing so, some other guy comes over and brings me those bar flowers that they have for $5. It is actually a beautiful bouquet and there is a note with his phone number. Pretty bold if you ask me! As I am trying to make my way to the door to leave, my date screams at me, "HEY! I WANNA MAKE OUT WITH YOUR MOUTH! COME HERE"...so I start to briskly walk away. He tells me to buy him a 6 pack and take him to my place. I am done with trying to be nice at this point and yell "NO!", I get in my car and drive away.
I texted the guy who gave me flowers to say thank you as I didn't have any opportunity to inside the bar. He then just writes back, "I'm not into texting. If you want to talk to me, call me". Fed up with the whole evening I write back to him "This probably isn't going to work then, I'm more of a texter. Thanks for the flowers though"...
I would not recommend ever double booking yourself!
It requires strategy, memorization and lots of stamina and time management.
April 2014 was a busy dating month for me. Mainly just to get back in the game after having a short lived, month long thing with Mr. Four Seasons.
I had Dinner at the Local Peasant with a British fellow on a Wednesday, Drinks in Sherman Oaks with a friend of a friends' boyfriend on a Friday, Sushi with another guy on a Saturday, and a blind date setup for the Magic Castle on a random Tuesday but the first time I ever double booked was a Thursday. I setup dinner with one guy after a full day of working and then drinks with another guy. The double book turned into a triple once the 2nd date went terrible and a guy I've known a long time asked me to join him at a bar later in the evening. Most random, hectic 5 hours of my entire life.
Dinner had gone okay; the guy was super tall but was that lanky weird skinny. He talked about conspiracy theories and the meaning of life the entire length of dinner. I knew about 5 minutes in that It wasn't going to work. He was smart and not funny. If you are smart, you should be smart enough to at least fake a personality/sense of humor. Don't guys know that girls need a man that can make her laugh?
Since it was a Thursday, I could use work as an excuse to "end" the night early. In reality, I had plans at 9 to meet date #2 for the evening. I was actually looking forward to date #2. It was with a musician. While I normally don't date musicians due to flakiness or "rock star" syndrome, I made an exception because he was SO talented; I was already a groupie after hearing him play at Mastro's a few weeks earlier and stalking his youtube channel. He had given me his number then and we'd been texting ever since. It had been weeks and tonight he finally had the time to meet up. Since his schedule was so busy I had a feeling it would be nothing more than a one date thing but I still wanted to spend some time with him. They were doing karaoke at a bar right down from my house, so I told him to meet me there after his set. He sang, I sang, we sang together, he was impressed by my singing, which amazed me, coming from a Broadway star...he was adorable and quirky. We danced and laughed and had a great time. He was also a few years younger and not looking for anything serious. I've kept in contact with him via text from time to time but I am sure nothing more than a friendship will occur. He is going on to much bigger and brighter places then the Suburbs of the BUBBLE.
Once I left Mr. Piano Man, I headed down the street to meet up with date #3. This was a guy I've known a long time that recently "MATCHED" me on the Tinder app; he was newly divorced and looking to hang out. What I didn't realize is that when date #2 went longer then expected, date #3 had gotten a head start on drinking alone at the bar. By the time I reached him, he was drunk and slurring. He could barley talk and I cut it super short. Once I reached my door at home, he texted me to come back and give him a ride. I declined and told him to call me when you're sober. Oddly enough, that was a title of a song I had sung earlier int he evening on date #2.
While it wasn't really three full dates, it was still exhausting and I wouldn't do it again!
Double booking however, I just did last night and oddly it ended fairly similar!
I met date #1 last night for Happy Hour. He was much shorter that I expected, had two different colored eyes and long shaggy hair and scruff. I was already sitting at a high top table and he literally had to hop up on the chair. I wanted to run immediately but I had to be nice. I wish I could be blunt like my girlfriend and just tell him "I'm Sorry, This just isn't going to work!" and walk out...my concience wouldn't let me, although I really thought about it!
He was originally from like Georgia or something and liked guns; to hunt and just shoot at cans in the desert. He also was a welder and went on for a good 40 minutes describing how to weld and get his pieces passed through an x-ray test...whatever that means? He also talked about a giant banana he had won at some fair. Even showed me pictures of said banana. No, that is not code for anything sexual; that would make for a better story at least! I was bored and wanted to leave, so again, glad it was a mid-week MEET UP, I could use work as an excuse to leave.
Sidenote: I keep saying MEET UP becuase the last few guys I have met from the Tinder app don't call the first meeting a date. They don't want to pay for dinner or go do any fun activities; they all want to meet for a beer or a coffee and call them MEET UPs. I get it and all; dating can get expensive and you never know how the chemistry is going to go but man! what happened to romance and men actually trying to win a girl over?!
Getting back to the story, I leave Mr. Banana to meet up with another Mr. Drunk....he had only been at the bar for 10 minutes before I arrived but had already done 3 shots. Immediately he is trying to hug and touch me, talking VERY close to my face and ear and I am doing nothing but pulling away from him the entire time. Another bar that has karaoke, I get up on stage to just get away from Mr. Drunk. There are only a handful pf people in the bar and people keep asking me for requests, so luckily I don't have to spend much time WITH my date. I sing three songs and then start to make my excuses for having to leave. While I am doing so, some other guy comes over and brings me those bar flowers that they have for $5. It is actually a beautiful bouquet and there is a note with his phone number. Pretty bold if you ask me! As I am trying to make my way to the door to leave, my date screams at me, "HEY! I WANNA MAKE OUT WITH YOUR MOUTH! COME HERE"...so I start to briskly walk away. He tells me to buy him a 6 pack and take him to my place. I am done with trying to be nice at this point and yell "NO!", I get in my car and drive away.
I texted the guy who gave me flowers to say thank you as I didn't have any opportunity to inside the bar. He then just writes back, "I'm not into texting. If you want to talk to me, call me". Fed up with the whole evening I write back to him "This probably isn't going to work then, I'm more of a texter. Thanks for the flowers though"...
The ones that lasted more than one date...
Mr. SuperDad
My first experience with dating a guy with a kid was...interesting, and HARD.
I had met him randomly at his place of employment (a restaurant/bar); it was his day off but he was sitting at the bar. A girlfriend and I had about 20 minutes to kill before going to our mutual friends' kids' baseball game and had never been in the local joint. We belly up to the bar, get one beer and strike up a conversation with Mr. Superdad. Turns out his kid is in a little league also but he is with the mom this weekend. He missed his kid and asked if he could tag along to the game with us. Seems like a super nice guy, so he comes with us. Easy to get along with, simple kind of guy, kid friendly...we hit it off. We end up dating through October, even went to Disneyland once and ended up doing the pumpkin patch and trick or treating together with his kid and my friends' kids. I didn't want to get the kid involved until way later, but it was important for him so I went with it. I didn't know the rules of dating a guy with a kid, it was new territory. Things were going fairly smooth except the kid was a little bit of a terror. He was 5 years old and the more time I spent with him and the kid together, the more I saw his parenting style and I was not a fan. This self proclaimed Super Dad was more of a Big Brother. I am not one to judge parenting styles but what I saw I knew I wouldn't want. The kid was rough, didn't listen well, lacked manners of a kid his age. I knew I couldn't say anything to Mr. Superdad so when he started to get super clingy and jealous, it was my way out all together. He lived with his mom, he had no real career (The place he worked at actually closed about a week after I ended it). He was one of those "nice guys" but not for me types. He wanted me to ask his permission when I wanted to hang with my friends rather than with him. I cannot be with someone that controlling.
Mr. Four Seasons
In March of this year I actually met a guy in real life by chance; at the Four Seasons on a girls day trip to the spa and lounge for my best friends birthday. It was the first of March, actually and he was a perfect gentleman. While we did carry our conversation up to my room after the bar closed, we talked until 4am and when he finally leaned in for a kiss, I snarkely said "FINALLY!". When we fell asleep, Mr. Four Seasons slept above the covers and everything. The next morning he realized his friends had totally ditched him so he decided to go with us to a brunch we had planned already. After brunch, I still had "custody" of Mr. Four Seasons and stopped at my parents house for a quick greeting; he went along for the ride, very easy going and was very polite. I eventually took him home but he wanted to take me to dinner that same evening.
We dated for about 40 days before I called it off.
He was VERY busy with work, playing softball and coaching a sports team. We didn't do anything but watch movies or TV; he had warned me at the very beginning but I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. He was exhausted and when we found time together, it was his down time and he just wanted to veg out. I totally get it but I need more at the beginning of a relationship. It was as if we had been together for years already and already in that boring lull of normal life. I don't want that when the guy is suppose to be winning me over. I was bored and frustrated. If I was going to be bored, I wanted to at least have the title of girlfriend but he wasn't willing to label it until he could show me the "real" him once the sports season was over. After 40 days I told him that I really liked him but for him to contact me once he was ready to really have a relationship. I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to be the girl he wastes time with either.
Now that the sports season is coming close to ending, Mr. Four Seasons has been talking to me more but I don't know if we are on the same page still. He is almost 5 years younger then me and while he is a really sweet guy I am still not sure it will pan out for the two of us together. His passion for sports is stronger than it is for me.
I've been on many other dates in the past year, but these are the two that really stood out.
My first experience with dating a guy with a kid was...interesting, and HARD.
I had met him randomly at his place of employment (a restaurant/bar); it was his day off but he was sitting at the bar. A girlfriend and I had about 20 minutes to kill before going to our mutual friends' kids' baseball game and had never been in the local joint. We belly up to the bar, get one beer and strike up a conversation with Mr. Superdad. Turns out his kid is in a little league also but he is with the mom this weekend. He missed his kid and asked if he could tag along to the game with us. Seems like a super nice guy, so he comes with us. Easy to get along with, simple kind of guy, kid friendly...we hit it off. We end up dating through October, even went to Disneyland once and ended up doing the pumpkin patch and trick or treating together with his kid and my friends' kids. I didn't want to get the kid involved until way later, but it was important for him so I went with it. I didn't know the rules of dating a guy with a kid, it was new territory. Things were going fairly smooth except the kid was a little bit of a terror. He was 5 years old and the more time I spent with him and the kid together, the more I saw his parenting style and I was not a fan. This self proclaimed Super Dad was more of a Big Brother. I am not one to judge parenting styles but what I saw I knew I wouldn't want. The kid was rough, didn't listen well, lacked manners of a kid his age. I knew I couldn't say anything to Mr. Superdad so when he started to get super clingy and jealous, it was my way out all together. He lived with his mom, he had no real career (The place he worked at actually closed about a week after I ended it). He was one of those "nice guys" but not for me types. He wanted me to ask his permission when I wanted to hang with my friends rather than with him. I cannot be with someone that controlling.
Mr. Four Seasons
In March of this year I actually met a guy in real life by chance; at the Four Seasons on a girls day trip to the spa and lounge for my best friends birthday. It was the first of March, actually and he was a perfect gentleman. While we did carry our conversation up to my room after the bar closed, we talked until 4am and when he finally leaned in for a kiss, I snarkely said "FINALLY!". When we fell asleep, Mr. Four Seasons slept above the covers and everything. The next morning he realized his friends had totally ditched him so he decided to go with us to a brunch we had planned already. After brunch, I still had "custody" of Mr. Four Seasons and stopped at my parents house for a quick greeting; he went along for the ride, very easy going and was very polite. I eventually took him home but he wanted to take me to dinner that same evening.
We dated for about 40 days before I called it off.
He was VERY busy with work, playing softball and coaching a sports team. We didn't do anything but watch movies or TV; he had warned me at the very beginning but I didn't think it would be as bad as it was. He was exhausted and when we found time together, it was his down time and he just wanted to veg out. I totally get it but I need more at the beginning of a relationship. It was as if we had been together for years already and already in that boring lull of normal life. I don't want that when the guy is suppose to be winning me over. I was bored and frustrated. If I was going to be bored, I wanted to at least have the title of girlfriend but he wasn't willing to label it until he could show me the "real" him once the sports season was over. After 40 days I told him that I really liked him but for him to contact me once he was ready to really have a relationship. I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to be the girl he wastes time with either.
Now that the sports season is coming close to ending, Mr. Four Seasons has been talking to me more but I don't know if we are on the same page still. He is almost 5 years younger then me and while he is a really sweet guy I am still not sure it will pan out for the two of us together. His passion for sports is stronger than it is for me.
I've been on many other dates in the past year, but these are the two that really stood out.
5/7/2014: And.....Still Single and Tindering
It's been well over a year since my last post and while not much has happened in my life romantically, work and friend life have been very busy. I am in a good place (relatively speaking) and happy, for the most part. I am still missing that someone special to share all the love I have inside but I have been learning a lot about myself. While I will not be writing about the last year of dating (mostly because there really hasn't been much to speak of), I will be trying to write more on the current dates; or rather, MEET UP'S as they are now being called. A woman doesn't even get the dignity any longer of being taken out on a date!
I joined TINDER; the new way young singles are meeting through an iPhone app, after being on a dull date with a guy who mentioned he had just joined. Before the date was even over, I had the app downloaded on my phone. It is like the old HOT OR NOT website back in the late 90s/early 00's. You choose your location radius, age range and then view pictures. You select to "NOPE" or "LIKE" someone and if you both "LIKE" each other, it's a MATCH and you can then choose to communicate via text through the app. I currently have over 590 matches and I am sure I have "NOPE"'d over 2000 at this point. Some people use the app as a vanity, self satisfaction or as a way to waste time. Others use it for just hook ups, booty calls or whatever you crazy kids call it these days. Then there are others, like myself who seem to be using the app as an actual means of meeting real potentials. I've learned a lot from the app already, such as what "DTF" means...I have also been on a bunch of decent dates with relatively nice guys. I've seen more "action" (so to speak) from this app than the other dating sites I had been on in the past such as OKCupid.com, POF, even Match.com. There is more of a weeding out process and the app is a little buggy at times but overall, I like the simplicity.
Sure, it's a little shallow but aren't we just as shallow at a bar? You glance across the room and if you think someone is attractive, you try to make eye contact. If it is mutual, you go over and strike up a conversation, right? The app isn't much different.
With standard dating websites you are given too many details up front. They shove every aspect of the person's life in your face and in the safety of your own home, you are left to judge every aspect of the person's life; without having any prior knowledge of the stories or personality traits that are behind the decisions that brought that person to the point they are in now. You have facts, a resume but yet you know nothing of the actual person. I found that I was passing up guys just because of their height or location or education level. None of that is really far but since I was given the option to judge, I did. While any of the above could come up in conversation via text, it isn't just blatantly given, therefore a conversation has to at least start in order for those questions to be answered which in turn already gives you something to open the lines of communication with rather than just passing up an opportunity.
I joined TINDER; the new way young singles are meeting through an iPhone app, after being on a dull date with a guy who mentioned he had just joined. Before the date was even over, I had the app downloaded on my phone. It is like the old HOT OR NOT website back in the late 90s/early 00's. You choose your location radius, age range and then view pictures. You select to "NOPE" or "LIKE" someone and if you both "LIKE" each other, it's a MATCH and you can then choose to communicate via text through the app. I currently have over 590 matches and I am sure I have "NOPE"'d over 2000 at this point. Some people use the app as a vanity, self satisfaction or as a way to waste time. Others use it for just hook ups, booty calls or whatever you crazy kids call it these days. Then there are others, like myself who seem to be using the app as an actual means of meeting real potentials. I've learned a lot from the app already, such as what "DTF" means...I have also been on a bunch of decent dates with relatively nice guys. I've seen more "action" (so to speak) from this app than the other dating sites I had been on in the past such as OKCupid.com, POF, even Match.com. There is more of a weeding out process and the app is a little buggy at times but overall, I like the simplicity.
Sure, it's a little shallow but aren't we just as shallow at a bar? You glance across the room and if you think someone is attractive, you try to make eye contact. If it is mutual, you go over and strike up a conversation, right? The app isn't much different.
With standard dating websites you are given too many details up front. They shove every aspect of the person's life in your face and in the safety of your own home, you are left to judge every aspect of the person's life; without having any prior knowledge of the stories or personality traits that are behind the decisions that brought that person to the point they are in now. You have facts, a resume but yet you know nothing of the actual person. I found that I was passing up guys just because of their height or location or education level. None of that is really far but since I was given the option to judge, I did. While any of the above could come up in conversation via text, it isn't just blatantly given, therefore a conversation has to at least start in order for those questions to be answered which in turn already gives you something to open the lines of communication with rather than just passing up an opportunity.
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