Fate worse than death

I wouldn't wish single dating life on my worst enemy but knowing that I still have friends who are going thru the same hell on Earth that I am not alone, is somehow comforting.

I'm not alone in the struggle that is dating . Just the other day my girlfriends were chatting on our group text about the terrible dates they had been on recently and we were sharing screen shots from different dating websites sharing pictures and even messages we had received. 
Last night I took myself on a sushi date and sitting right beside me was a young PDA couple sharing a handcut roll by feeding each other. It was gross and made me think, maybe being single is not so bad because that looked like a fate worse than death!
The PDA made me lose my appetite.

Love Is Not Enough

A friend of mine sent this link to me and it really put a lot of things in perspective. If you have the time, take 10 minutes out of your day to read this blog titled "LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH"


http://markmanson.net/love/


It makes some amazing points!

Everything happens for a reason

"They" say that everything happens for a reason... I am not totally sold in this rationalization.

Like most in this life that have had a curve ball thrown at them, I am guilty of spouting this life mantra at any opportunity in hopes that I will someday fully believe in it's message; but too often I am faced with my own counter productive thoughts and it gets me thinking that maybe we get in our own way in thinking the grass must be greener to admit we have fucked up our own lives and this saying that has become so popular and well received is just a way for us to pass the blame onto something out of our control.

I had dinner with my ex husband tonight and while we got married too young, too fast and had our reasons for divorcing that (at the time) were total deal breaker, end of the world issues...after 11years, we still had that initial connection and comfortableness and not given our history, if this would have been a first date, who knows; it may have worked out now. The reasons we split, which was that I wanted kids and he didn't, were null and void now, given I was still without children and he had since considered a life and future with them.

Did we split because of that or because we were scared? Would we have worked out in the end, growing 11years older together? Were we really destined to stay together and it got messed up because of fear? Or were we really meant to fall madly in love and divorce after just 3 short years? Did it happen for a reason?!? 

Thinking back on the last 8 years, have I really grown and changed so much? Has anything super amazing happened to me that wouldn't have happened if we had stayed together? I could have traveled the world with him as that Is all he wanted before he settled down with kids and has since done it himself; instead I was in a 7year off/on mentally abusive relationship that ruined me and have since been on date after date with random guys on different levels of terrible. I've floated through life without a map for years hoping I'd find the kind of spontaneous love we had at one point. 

I've been through a lot in this life and one of the most difficult was the divorce. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing but looking back I am not so sure. Sure, we wanted different things at the time but I still don't have what I wanted,  so am I better for it? Is there still a reason why it happened the way it did? Am I just not remembering everything that occurred to lead us to the breaking point, causing my recollections to be clouded by misjudgment? Would we have become broken at some point in the future had we stayed the course? 

We can't live in the 'what if's', I'm aware, and I am sure that everything does happen for a reason but just for a moment picture it doesn't. Think about it. We only say that because we feel sad about something. What if everything happened the way you hoped. We'd never say it! 

It's a moot point now; the ex wanted to meet to say goodbye as he got a great job up north and is moving in the next 2 weeks. We'd been cordial

Over the years and kept in contact here and there. Our issues with one another were circumstanial and never personal. He is a good guy and I wish him all the luck in the world on this new chapter in his life. While I may be on the fence about 'everything happens for a reason', I am adien believer in 'when one door closes another opens'!

While everything might not happen for a reason, one fact remains; we have to live with the decisions we make....and that's the truth!!!!

I know a friend who has a friend.....

One of the single's most dreaded phrases is, "I know a friend who has a friend that is single!". Like it is so rare that another human being our age is actually still single!
Meaning, they want to set you up with a perfect stranger and think they are PERFECT for you just simply because we are both still single.
I give in every time because the desperate Disney princess inside me kicks and screams at my more rational pessimistic, realistic side until she gets her way.
In this life, you really never know and I might as well meet as many people that come my way. The problem with this is that if it doesn't work out, you have to break it to the friend that introduced the two of you. This can get awkward. If it doesn't work out you run the risk of running into the date at a bbq or event. Hopefully the feeling was mutual but even that isn't something you really want; As a girl, we want the guy to become infatuated but not creepy. Pining over you for months with the thought of "what if" running in his head while he tries over and over to win your affection.
Ladies, this doesn't happen in real life.
You tell a guy NO once or even give off body language that you are not interested in THAT way and you never hear from them again. Even if you are into the guy and flirt and give all the "right" signs, you may never hear from him again! If you try to play a "game", you lose. If you put it all out on the table, you lose. So why continue trying?
Because you never know when your losing streak will change...
Which is why I keep trying and never say no to a setup.
Everyone's luck in love changes at some point....right?
I have to keep believing that.


I went on 2 setup dates last week. One to a Thai restaurant and while I had the BEST Thai yellow curry ever, not much else was great. He seemed like a nice fella but not my cup of Thai iced tea....he texted me the day after but never tried to setup a follow up 2nd date, which didn't break my heart. I could go on and on listing things that I didn't like about him but what's the point? He just wasn't for me; even though he shared a love of costume parties. LOL


the 2nd date was at a burger bistro/bar place that I chose. The conversation was decent but he was self proclaimed arrogant ass...I don't do arrogant well. He was techy and knowledgeable but seemed a little too "high and mighty" for my liking. I was obviously not to his liking either since he never contacted me after our date. He seemed to be one of those smart guys who think they can get a super model and they usually do! I am no super model nor would I want to be one. I want to be loved and known for my brains, not (JUST) my beauty ;)

08/21/14: Mr. Traditional

He was upfront and totally honest when we chatted via text...he had a decent job and 2 kids and was going through a divorce but was at a place where he felt he was ready for a serious relationship if the opportunity presented itself. I was honestly a little excited to meet him in person. It was refreshing to find someone local, good looking and seemingly perfect on paper.


I arrived 10 min late due to traffic and my lack of ability in calculating time and Mr. Traditional was waiting by his (work) truck in the parking lot for me.


"Kristina?" he asked as I walked past my car toward him.
"Maybe" I flirt while squinting my eyes, trying to see him through the bright sunshine.




He pulls out a bouquet of yellow flowers from the bed of the truck and hands them to me.
Immediately I blush and proclaim that no one has brought me flowers on a first date since I was 15. I hug him and he asked if I wanted to put them in the car before we head inside.




"No way! I want to show them off a little" I answer with a huge grin.


We make small talk as we walk to the front door and head inside the CAVE.
The Cave is this wine market and restaurant. The front is a storefront and the back portion is a restaurant with a self serve wine area. You put money on this card and then insert the card into the machines and choose 1oz, 3oz or 6oz of the wine of your choice and it deducts the money from the card. It's pretty cool!


Conversations are open, honest and comfortable during our wine tasting, so much so that we joked about the waitress hating us because every time she would come over to ask what we'd like for dinner we'd say we haven't had a chance to look at the menu yet.
The evening ended around 9:30pm with a hug by the car. He texted when he got home and to make sure I arrived at home safely. A gentleman. I thanked him for an enjoyable evening again and we said goodnight.




The next day we flirted back and fourth via text until I asked "So, do you want to see me again or what? ;)" His response was perhaps a little too upfront and honest....


"...I just didn't have that chemistry that I am looking for..."
It was also full of fluff and compliments but the underlined answer was "NO"


What is this CHEMISTRY ?!


Great conversation, things in common, same outlook on raising kids and family, being attracted to one another, geographically desirable, etc....these things apparently hold no weight or not enough weight compared to this mysterious CHEMISTRY that men these days "need" in order to get to know someone past a first date. I don't get it.




I get that chemistry is important but how can one person feel it and the other not?

Lost Generation

This generation is fucked! With the over sexualized adolescence, lack of moral compasses and integrity, hyped egos causing self centered, selfish self declared single forever morons, the good people with self worth, life goals and modesty are lost in the shuffle of twearking, hook up, snap chatting forever tweens!


I read this blog, and it hits the points I try to make on the head in a much more conscious flow of thoughts (LOL!; I know I tend to be all over the board sometimes!)
http://elitedaily.com/dating/hookup-culture-non-relationship-generation-getting-nowhere/664654/
READ IT! It's worth it.




Songs glorify the "new" forever single lifestyle and make it "ok" to just want f**k buddies and to get f**ked up every night, making girls "back it up" and twerk it for the guys while not caring about the future or working. What happened to creating solid, lasting real relationships and working hard? Dating used to be something you did in order to find the person you wanted to spend your forever with. Now, guys are so terrified of even labeling it as dating using words like "seeing someone" or "just hooking up". It is a shame, really and the media is only making it worse. With songs like " " being so poppy and catchy, the ideals being portrayed are sub-consciously attaching to your brain whether you want them to or not! The "I just want to have fun and not settle down" lifestyle is not only being blasted to the rap lovers and college aged kids; it is now also a popular topic among the country music scene and those over college age with Lady Anntebellums hit song "Looking For a Good Time". We are not safe in any genre now! And by "WE" I mean the old school, strong moral compass, modest, hard working, looking for the real deal seeking romance and marriage and kids types.

Some other songs I've come across this week alone that scream "STAY SINGLE AS LONG AS YOU CAN", "WOMEN ARE NOTHING BUT OBJECTS", "USE WHOEVER YOU CAN GET TO GET WHAT YOU WANT", "IT'S OKAY TO BE SELFISH"......


F**k U Over by The Summer Set


"Dirty Little Secret" by the All American Rejects


"Hangover" by Taio Cruz/Flo Rida


"Looking For A Good Time" by Lady Anntebellum


"Wobble" by V.I.C


If you want to change my mind and show me there is still hope in the world through music, post a comment with a song I should listen to!

Importance of Friends Approval

It is VERY important to get your friends' approval of a potential mate, however should it be a deal breaker?


I have a super close group of friends and their approval means the world to me. Afterall, most weekends and holidays are spent with them and the guy I end up with will need to meld well with my group of friends. I was thinking today though of all the guys I dismissed prematurely perhaps based solely on the premise that a friend didn't like them for one reason or another. Their thoughts have a huge influence on my decisions and while I know I ultimately make the choice, should their "thumbs down" be enough to not pursue a man or to end a relationship?


People can grow on you over time, sure...and a first impression can be totally false, I know this but when a friend has such a strong opinion of a guy I MIGHT be interested in, I have to take that into consideration because I know they have my best interests in mind. Friends can come and go too and while I believe the group I have now will be lifelong relationships, I too am searching for my life partner.


My bestie is married with kids and I am her reason to go out when she needs it; I am her right hand helper with the kids when I am there and she is my soul mate. I am sure she has not liked some of the guys I've dated or have been interested in for somewhat selfish reasons but I know her thoughts, advice and criticisms come from a place of love. Me finding someone would mean less time with her and I don't necessarily want that, so I need to find someone who is okay with this and hopefully gets along with her husband well enough so that I don't have to worry about feeling guilty for always "ditching" him to hang with her. Somewhat selfish on my part, I get that but being older and "wiser" and knowing my way around the dating pool and relationship realities I have to take these things into consideration.


One girlfriend might like the guy I am seeing while the others think he is "too old" for me or "doesn't have a good enough job" or "just looks weird with [me]". The criticisms really never end so how does one filter and decide what friends to listen to and which ones to ignore? It is easy to "say listen to your heart or gut or intuition" and "make up your own mind/decision" but when you are so close to people you spend the majority of your non working hours with, you have to listen to them a little, right?


How important do you think your close friends approval is when dating?

There's Nobody Left, I'm All Alone + one year!

EEK!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-gfxjAaZg0
Saw this and it made me laugh until I realized I am one year older than the 31!


Since I am a Gemini, I tend to go back and forth with my thoughts on dating. Some days I feel like the 29 year old and others, most others I feel like 31. To be honest the days I feel like 29 are getting less and less frequent but they do happen and I need to try to hold onto those days because feeling like 31 sucks! Especially since I am 32 now and possibly even more angry/scared I won't ever find someone.


A good watch though if you get the chance, just for a good laugh if nothing else.

This, That or Terrible!

It's hard being single.

Every time you go out you think you might meet the love of your life. It forces you to go out when you might otherwise go home. It gives you a false sense of needing more mascara. If I had a man already I feel like I would have less stress in my life, less worrying about when it will happen. Less need for the fake smile while sitting at the bar alone wondering if anyone is looking...I could just enjoy a glass of wine alone without feeling judged or at least without caring!

Tonight I got hit on by two extremes. The old guy bragging about his life and all he has and the young entrepreneur starting out and him bragging about all that is about to come to

Him...while all the other guys in the bar stared at the tv screens as Miley Cyrus gyrated on teddy bears symbolizing all other males in this generation of dating! I feel that they all fall into one of these three genres or they are of decent age and just dating someone way too young for them and trying to stay entertained by their incessant babbling while at the bar just to stay with the hot young 'thang' to stay relevant to their male peers. A shame, really.


Granted, I can be overly critical and I am not sure if it is because I am trying to find something I don't like about every guy because I don't give it a fair shot, am going on my instincts and know he isn't the one or if I am too jaded, perhaps too smart to end up with the wrong one or maybe too dumb to not just go with whatever. I am hoping that once I find Mr. Right the little annoying things he does won't bother me so much and I will give him enough time to win me over. I am hoping that something will feel right enough in my gut to give him the opportunity to try at the very least. I do dismiss guys easily for one reason or another and I know that there is the right person out there for them just as there is for me and just because I didn't like them doesn't mean they are bad guys necessarily. A guy will make the time and change bad habits for the right woman. If I wasn't it, that's fine because in the end it will all be for the best.


The search is all part of my journey and it will allow me to appreciate him once I find him all that much more. the problem is just finding that one guy worth my appreciation after all this time! Guys don't mature much past the age of 16, I've found. Horny, stupid, non romantic assholes; most of them are!

Tech Savvy?

It has been 2 months, 3 weeks as of today....I think it might be time to get back on the grid and Tinder/online "date" again...I don't know how else to meet people anymore! Everyone is so busy with their social media and twittering and graming that they don't look at people in their everyday life; they don't look up from their phones long enough to catch a glance at the gas station or grocery store anymore! In my 2 month social experiment of old school "dating/meeting", this is what I've found.


...Guys are just looking for the skinny model types because they have been conditioned into thinking that's the norm and what every girl should look like. I need to find a real man who can handle a real woman. should I try match again or eharmony or something like that?! Where are all the single good guys hiding out? Church?


I've been going to church for the last month and tried 2 different churches so far; we still have yet to find our church "home" and will be trying out a few different ones (By "we" I mean my best friend, her kids and I). While I am not going just to meet a nice guy, I have looked around at the 2 churches we've gone to and not seen one single potential! It could just be that I live in the damn suburbs and everyone attending church is a family, an old person or a teen being forced to still go by their parents.


In the last couple months I've even tried changing my hair color to something more natural and dark to see if it was my platinum blonde that was attracting the wrong type of guy and that hasn't seemed to have much of an affect. Single dudes in my age range are all just pigs, no matter what. I had a theory that guys like to "play" with blondes and settle down with brunettes; but this has been de-bunked in my testings. While girls are nicer to me with brunette hair, guys seem to be about the same. They all just want one thing and it doesn't much matter with who!


What if my match is tech challenged? Not everyone is as savvy as I initially thought in today's world. While the majority of people 27-37 are knowledgable enough to work a Facebook page, I have recently met some people who are not willing to go "online" either out of fear of having any personal info out there or out of sheer lack of knowledge when it comes to computer technology. Is it really fair to limit myself to only men who know their way around a keyboard? Should I be limiting myself to tech savvy men since it is really a necessity in this day and age? I am so confused!


the dating game has changed and this is the truth! It has become just as technological as anything else these days and I will need to pay in order to find anyone worth my time. While some say the world is getting smaller, I think it is getting much larger in the fact that I can find a "match" across the globe, where just a hundred years ago women had to settle for a man that lived in their own town or happened to be traveling through their own town. They woman of yesteryear didn't have as many options as we do today  but there in lies the problem; men too have more choices and due to this don't want to settle down because they think someone better will come along thus perpetuating the issues of dating in todays world!


Hopefully one of these days I will be able to say it all happened for a reason and laugh at the struggles I had and say it lead me to the man of my dreams but until that day comes, I will continue to vent my dating woes to the deaf ears that is the internet.

7/25/14: Mr. Bow

After a yoga class I went with a friend over to a nearby restaurant where he was meeting a group of friends for one their mom's birthdays. I was fresh out of a yoga workout class, so I was not "ready" to meet anyone special.


Sipping on water, I had decided to only stay for a half hour before making my way home. Once my friends friends' starting showing up, I quickly decided to stay a little longer. His group had several single guys in the midst and one caught my eye. While it wasn't immediate, he did end up coming over to say hello once my friend introduced us. Turned out he was indeed single, 35, employed and goes to church. I found him very attractive. Before leaving for the evening, he asked for my number and I plugged it into his phone. He walked me to my car before returning to the party and before he turned to leave he kissed me.


It was a good night.
He seemed to like me even though I hadn't gotten made up or changed my clothes; I had been upfront with the conversation and what I was looking for. I hadn't beaten around the bush or tried to play any games and I asked him for the same from the very beginning. We were on the same page....


He texted me the next evening and I had been flirty and charming in response. He hadn't asked me on a date yet at this point so I started to wonder but didn't make my desperation apparent to him. I let it go and went about my life.


The following day I was out with friends when he called. We were all hanging out at this outdoor venue playing bocce ball and sipping on wine so I invited him over. He was just down the street at his parents' home watching his niece. About a half hour later he was joining my friends and myself with his niece. It was a lovely afternoon! He was very good with the children that we were hanging out with and got along with my friends.


Once my friends left, I was alone with Mr. Bow and his niece. They invited me back to his parents' home where he was also house sitting and I obliged. I drove myself over to the house and we chatted and all went in the Jacuzzi. I felt it was a safe environment to do so since his nice was there. She was an adorable pre-teen firecracker that I loved immediately. Once she went to bed, Mr. Bow and I continued our conversations and still seemed to be on the same page.


Since I had been so upfront and honest from the start, I felt comfortable and safe with him already. We bonded over both being divorced and how much dating sucked. We discussed why our relationships had ended and I was very upfront with him. I told him I was ready for marriage and kids and once I found the right guy I'd like all of that sooner rather than later. I told him how I felt about dating and the painful process of finding Mr. Right...he seemed to agree with me on all terms and there was no sign of him getting scared away. He was charming and sweet and fun. I thought this would be the start of something pretty amazing.
I didn't want to romanticize the night too much, afterall this was only the first time we had hung out and it wasn't even alone. I asked him to take me on a proper date in the near future and he said he was mine for at the very least the next month as he had plans in his head already of all the places he wanted to take me. I gave in that night. I let my needs and wants take over me and made myself believe there was no way this would or could be a one night stand; he was too into me and agreed on all that I told him I was looking for. We were on the same page afterall!


Perhaps the same page but in the light of the next few days it seemed the page had invisible ink on it revealing his actual intentions.


When I didn't hear from him the following day, I texted in the late evening. Still in my clouded, naïve head he was still a great guy. Perhaps just busy, so I made the effort to reach out first. I was still glowing and happy bursting with ideas of all the possibilities. All my thoughts were crushed the moment he wrote back to me..He wrote "I have to be honest before things get too far....I know your marriage ended because he didn't want children and I also don't want any".


He knew from the start how important that was to me. Why wouldn't he speak up then? Why would he kiss me if all along he knew we didn't want the same things out of life? Why would he meet my friends, allow me to meet his niece and bond with her, why would he take advantage of me and my dreams the way he did?


Because he is a man and men just want what they want when they want it.
My faith is shaking.
Just when I think I found a nice guy and let my guard down life has a funny way of making the jaded even more jaded. Trusting people is not something that comes naturally to me and when someone purposefully uses me it does not sit well with me. I try to  love as if I've never been hurt and that is getting harder and harder to do.

Self Worth

This isn't a dating entry but more importantly a SELF WORTH entry.
This past weekend I was I in the land of beautiful, "perfect" people or also known as Hermosa Beach, CA. It seemed that everyone there was early to late 20's with rock hard bodies, perfect tans, flowey healthy hair and white teeth. Everyone looked well rehearsed in the art of having a good time. Their outward appearance matched what I felt on the inside about my own life in the comfort of "the Bubble". I generally feel good about my life, myself and choices but this place made me question everything I knew.
I was attacked verbally and emotionally by a female while I was out with 2 of my guy friends for the evening, at a bar. I didn't think females did this type of emotional attacking past high school age. My guard was down as I've come to trust the female species as a sort of alliance against harmful body image and generic tearing down from all the world has to offer an adult woman. I wasn't prepared or expecting the evening to result in a near emotional break down and I wanted to take a moment to tell you of my experience in hopes that someone somewhere may read it and relate and maybe pass on so that we can finally end bullying; it doesn't end in grade school or high school. There are adult bullies out there and it needs to STOP. Life is hard enough!


Entering the bar in the land of beautiful people, my 2 guy friends sat down next to a group of 3 females. Being on my own at this point, I head to the bar to grab a beer for myself. I am already feeling self conscious since my guy friends hadn't wasted any time at all and had left me to fly on my own for the night before I was really ready.
I look around for someone to make friends with but everyone was already coupled up or deep into drinking games, so I head back out to the patio where I had left my friends with the 3 females. The guys motion for me to come over and introduce me. I am pleasant and sit on the chair opposite the 3 females to make small talk. Something I personally dread but I do it for my friends and I am secretly proud of myself for being so nice to these girls who I had gotten a bad gut feeling about in the beginning. They act fake nice to me and ask me to sit with them on the bench; I decline and explain I get chlosterphobic, plus I like having an easy exit just in case I spot someone I want to chat it up with. We share some laughs and conversation and when my 2 guy friends choose one female each from the 3, the 3rd calls over a group of guys sitting nearby. The group of guys joins us by pushing tables together and we all start talking. Almost instantly, the girl starts attacking me. It started with where I lived. The men had asked where we were from and when I said Thousand Oaks, she started talking about how terrible, awful, ugly Thousand Oaks was. When I try to defend my hometown I find myself getting angry. I finally ask "Have you ever Been to Thousand Oaks?" because it didn't sound like she knew it at all....turned out she hadn't but her reply was more than that, it started getting personal and ugly! "No, but they obviously like to eat there, and I don't like fat people" while she looked me up and down. She continued with snide remarks while smiling and calling me "sweetie" as if trying to hide her digs. I have not been so insulted as an adult, ever. I was so embarrassed by her and for her! I WAS having a pleasant conversation with the guys next to us but it just became her jabbing at me. She didn't know me at all but she felt that breaking me down would build herself up to these guys, I think? This women felt the need to personally attack me and make not only myself but the guys we were talking to as well so uncomfortable!
If she had been young and drunk I may have let it roll off my back a little more and chalked it up to high school mentality still playing a role but she didn't look a day under 35. She was without ring, so on the prowl and possibly jealous that I was chatting it up with possibly a guy she wanted? It almost always comes down to a boy, right? At least that was my experience in high school....
I am not a size 2. Never have been , never will be...but I am also not 200lbs. I am healthy, I have curves and I am self conscious about them because of women like the one I met and had this encounter with. I allowed her words and her smug smile get to me, deep inside where all my insecurities already live and allowed her to pierce through my thick skin releasing feelings I try really hard to keep at bay everyday. There is already so much in the media about 'SKINNY IS BEAUTIFUL', it is already hard to date when men are expecting magazine models and as women we need to lift each other up, not tear down! It is ridicules when just a few sentences can break down an otherwise strong, (mostly) confident woman.
As adults, we all know life is difficult at best; let's work together and not against one another. Let's use the tools we all learned as children, 'Treat others the way you'd like to be treated", "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all", "Help your neighbor"....
If my girls had been out with me instead of 2 guy friends, this woman would have ended up in the hospital for sure. My guy friends were clueless and didn't hear what she was saying to me; they only saw her smiling and when I told them what was actually happening, they didn't believe me. Finally one of them started to pay attention and as soon as she made another nasty remark to me he got up and took me with him saying, "Enough!". It was almost like I was in shock and couldn't move myself...I just kept looking at her saying "Really? Are you actually saying these things right now?!" I think at one point I did tell her I would love nothing more then to sock her in her ugly face but that I didn't feel like spending the night in jail...
I have surrounded myself with such good hearted amazing people that I forgot people were that ugly on the inside! This just proved that while you can be a size 2 on the outside and make yourself up to look pretty, on the inside you can still be as ugly as a troll. That is what this woman was and I was glad to witness it hindering her that night; the guys that were sitting next to us saw how ugly she really was and left the same time we did.


We really need to stop the Beauty Madness and realize everyone is beautiful in their own way. Do not tear down but rather build up those around you; whether you know them or not! Everyone has a story to tell and insecurities deep inside. Treat others the way you'd want to be treated and LADIES, CAN WE PLEASE STICK TOGETHER in this crazy world? We are ALL insecure about SOMETHING; Don't bully!


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/08/stop-the-beauty-madness_n_5566885.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Why Are You Still Single?

I get this question from everyone!
Best Friends, Parents (both mine and others), Grandparents (again, both mine and others'), New People I meet, everyone! Anyone that spends more than 5 minutes in my presence and finds out that I am still single asks the dreaded question, "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"
Well first, let me say that if I knew the answer I probably wouldn't be single. Secondly, I know you mean well and all but this is a back handed compliment. I get that you think I am great, awesome, amazing, a fantastic catch and all but it also implicates that there is something wrong with me, not to mention reminds me that I am still single! We were just having a great time at the BBQ and I wasn't feeling lonely among all my friends here but then you asked me that and now all I can think of is how unbelievably single I am and how hard it is to find a good man. With 5 little words you have managed to (without knowing it) ruin my day. I will put on a happy face though and you will never know it but to all those happily married/engaged/dating people out there with AMAZING single friends, I will try to answer the "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE" question so you don't have to ruin any more days!


I am 32. I am an attractive single, successful, creative female with many talents and a desire to be wife and mother. I am not the jealous type nor am I needy or a gold digger. I have ex's who would stand up for my awesomeness as a girlfriend if asked. I have an amazing family and fantastic group of friends. I have a great sense of humor, can cook, dance, tell time on a non digital clock even! I have life experience, can hold a conversation with anyone and can speak fluent wit and sarcasm. I hold my own hanging with the boys and playing bar games and can work a red carpet like nobody's business. I enjoy hiking and doing work around the house. I am a people pleaser and will help anyone in need if I can. I don't have any weird additional phalange or weird dark mole on my face. I take care of myself and eat well. I wear appropriate makeup and have fashion and common sense. I am computer literate (obviously), easy going and fancy myself to be a great catch. So why am I still single? 


Here is a list I've compiled to answer that question (to the best of my ability), to anyone wondering...




1. There is too many options available to men these days
In the world of www I am finding that there are too many women looking for attention on the internet and have turned to internet/app dating making it so easy for the male species to chat and hook up with those easier than myself.


2. I am picky and not willing to "settle"
While I have a list of deal-breakers, I have over time honed in on exactly what it is I am looking for in a man. Reality is, I haven't found him yet because I don't think men my age were raised correctly for what I want! I have an amazing role model (my step-dad), and will not settle for anything less than what I deserve.


3. Men prefer younger, skinnier model types
Cheeky, sexual images spread across commercials, tv, movies etc. has put a false sense of beauty into the minds of men. While I am photogenic and attractive, I am not a size 2 20 year old. I have hips and curves and being 32, a few wrinkles. Guys that are single and my age have already traded in their peers for the younger models that more resemble the "beauty standard". For those that say REAL MEN prefer a woman with curves, I ask you WHERE ARE THESE REAL MEN? Even if I find one who likes my curves, he just wants to use me as a play thing and nothing more. If I am not willing, he moves right along to the next girl in line. (see #1)


4. I don't waste my time
If I date someone and realize a few weeks in that it isn't right for a long term relationship, I don't stick it out and wait and see. I am not 20 and I don't have time to wait around and see if it might change. People don't change. If I see something in you that makes me think you would be a terrible husband or father, I end it. Many date to just have fun, but that isn't me. My goal in dating is to find my life long partner. While I keep it light at the beginning, my intentions are always just under the surface. I can't waste my time and get sucked into a relationship that I know won't work long term.


5. I am too sexy
Or at least that is what I am told. I don't do it intentionally; I don't like that sort of attention but I guess I exude sexuality and men think of me just as a sexual toy and nothing more. They want a physical relationship but could care less who I actually am, what I like, etc. Just when I think a guy is actually interested in ME I find out he isn't.


6. Guys don't want to settle down
Even when in a relationship for YEARS, it always ends because the men are afraid to grow up. They don't want to settle down, get married and have kids. There is too much they want to "do" before they will be "ready". This really translates into "there are too many woman out there I haven't F#$%ed" or that some men are really just too afraid to be men and grow up. I'm a good girl and in this day & age, that is a disadvantage it seems!


7....And the men who want what I want, already have it!
If a good guy wants to settle down and have kids, by the age of 32 he already has. He is already living the life I want with his beautiful wife. I have to either wait for his marriage to fall apart and his divorce to be finalized (by which point he is no longer the good guy and now just another jaded man in the dating pool), or I have to move to Seattle, Minnesota or Oregon to meet his brother who is not as attractive, successful or kid friendly.


8. I don't think I am dumb enough
Granted there are beautiful children in this world that were not planned and things worked out between a large majority of men/woman who are together and happy now due to the children they had while casually dating one another...but I think I am too smart at this age to fall into a situation like that. I do not have casual sex and when I do engage in the physical act of love, I use protection. I don't want to have a "mistake" baby. I don't want to be connected to someone for the rest of my life unless I choose him for myself. If I don't choose him for myself, why would he be good enough for my future children? Sure, there are many days when I think I would wish for a "mistake" to happen but deep down I know I want to do it "right". Meet a man I fall in love with, marry and then have children...but my days feel numbered now and I am not sure I will ever get what I want. No one said life was fair; I've heard this my entire life!
While I am not dumb enough to get knocked up by mistake, I am also not dumb enough to fall for D-bag guys. There are plenty out there that will smooze and talk their way into a relationship only to turn around and cheat on you.


9. I have issues, but doesn't everyone?
I recently realized I have severe abandonment issues and while I try to not be a victim and I didn't even realize it caused me issues with dating;after hard examination of my behavior in new relationships that have started to form in the recent past, I have noticed some harmful patterns emerge due to my issues. I have a wall up and while it may appear that I let people in easily, I test them. I push and pull to make them prove to me that they want me for me and will put up a fight to keep me. So far I haven't found a man who can pass.


10. It's all or nothing with the men I find.
The guy either wants nothing to do with a serious relationship and just wants to hook up or he wants to get married to me like, yesterday! I need something in between. Firstly I need to feel a connection with someone which I haven't found in the last year or so! Secondly I need to know he wants me for me and sees a future. Thirdly, I'd like to marry within the next couple of years but I also want to know who I am marrying! I'd like to enjoy dating for awhile and then enjoy being engaged before walking down an aisle.


11. I live in the suburbs and good single men are hard to find!
I work a full time job, have great friends and family that keep me busy so unless someone falls into my lap, I am not really out searching. The people I may run into at the grocery store are 99% more likely to me married or taken, so that option is not one to bank on.


12. Almost All my friends are married.
My friends have to have someone to set me up with, right? Wrong. Marrieds tend to hang with other marrieds. It is rare that a single hangs out with a bunch of couples but I do and they don't have anyone they'd want to set me up with. I have however gotten the other dreaded "compliment", "You're too good for him" when someone actually does come to their mind. I get that you think so but I can be shitty. This statement makes me think you're being condescending and you just don't want them to end up with me.
The few single friends I do still have are going through similar struggles as me but are all a few years younger and wouldn't give up a good guy if they met one, even if they were already seeing someone.


So there you have it. 12 reasons that I can think of to answer the question "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"

I'm Tired

I am tired of being the single person in my circles of friends.
I am tired of being added to my parents RSVP cards because I don't have a plus 1.
I am tired of being the permanent single and not even given a chance for a plus 1!
I am tired of being the one to get the couch instead of a bed because I don't have a cuddle buddy during trips/vacations/sleep overs.
I am tired of ordering 2 dinners for take out so I don't get the pity looks.
I am tired of getting the pity looks when I take myself out to eat and sit alone.
I am tired of not having my own plans and tail coating on friends' plans (being auto included).
I am tired of having groceries go bad before I can eat them because shopping as a single is TOUGH!
I am tired of not having anyone to cook for.
I am tired of going home to an empty place.
I am tired of killing my own spiders.
I am tired of feeling jealous of everyone else's babies/kids pics on FB/Instagram.
I am tired of feeling like I am running out of time.
I am tired of dating.
I am tired of people thinking I am a drunk slut just because I am still single.
I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough and not feeling wanted (by any guy).
I am tired of not having someone to text throughout the day when I miss him.
I am tired of not having that special connection with someone.
I am tired of not having someone special to share experiences with.
I am tired of not having anyone to wear sexy underclothes for/shaving legs for.
I am tired of not having someone to get dressed up for.
I am tired of blogging.
I am tired of not having someone to argue with about stupid little things.
I am tired of having people assume I don't have plans for the weekend.
I am tired of not having someone to do brunch or dinners or wine tasting with (opposite sex).
I am tired of being in a funk.
I am tired of ex's contacting me to try and cheat on their girlfriends with me. (This has happened A LOT) ;You had your chance with me, now go be a real man and stay faithful to the girl you're with!
I am tired of not getting attention and compliments from a man who wants to be with only me.
I am tired of not having a Halloween partner for costumes.
I am tired of not having anyone to check in with.
I am tired of not having someone to pillow talk with.
I am tired of not having someone to miss when I am out with the girls.
I am tired of not having someone to fantasize about.
I am tired of having someone get slightly jealous when I accidently flirt with another man.
I am tired of not having a karaoke duet partner.
I am tired of being lonely.
I am tired of not having someone to vent to at any given moment.
I am tired of not having a crush.
I am tired of guys only contacting me for "booty calls" and nothing real!
I am tired of feeling like my life hasn't even begun yet.
I am tired of waiting.
I am tired of people assuming I don't know anything about being married or being a mom just because I'm not married and I don't have children of my own.
I am tired of not having a reason to rush home from work.
I am tired of not having someone to buy "just because" gifts for.
I am tired of hearing "WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?"
I am tired of having too much free time.
I am tired of people being jealous that I am single and have so much free time. It's not as fun as you think.
I am tired of not having someone to give me a back rub/massage.
I am tired of the silence at home.
I am tired of feeling so emotional/depressed over being single.
I am tired of not having a man to force me to watch guy movies.
I am tired of not having anyone to take care of.
I am tired of being single.
I am tired of bringing my own jacket.
I am tired of not having a man to order fries so I can steal a few.
I am tired of having to find my own funny cat videos.

Always TOO Something!

At this point in my dating "career" I realize that I am always TOO something. Too "fat", too "creative", too "needy", too "crazy", too "emotional", too "promiscuous", too "much baggage"...lately I am feeling too "old"!
The last couple of guys I've talked with are seeing MUCH younger girls. These guys are my age or older and they are dating 20-22 year olds! Is this really a thing already? I didn't expect to be pushed aside for a much younger woman until I was much older.
I can't compete with a 20-22 year old! Their bodies are still barley post puberty; still tight and toned and they don't have real jobs yet so they are all tan from being able to lay out all day!
What I really don't understand is the guys I WAS talking with admit that they have nothing in common with their much younger counterparts and that they drive them nuts with their stupidity and obsession. Then WHY ARE YOU WITH HER?
They tell me that I am "real" and "easy to talk to" and "sexy as hell"; then why don't you want to date me? Has it become uncool to date a smart, sexy, successful woman just because she is the same age as you or because she is a REAL size 8 and not a size 1? Has the dating pool really gotten THAT shallow? Or is it that the guys left in the pool are so afraid of commitment that they go for the woman who are equally not ready and won't possibly turn into anything real?
Why are the single men available so impossible to please?
If you are one of these 20-22 year old girls; why don't you play with the boys your own age who are also not looking for anything real? I had to deal with them then AND now, it's not fair. The men you are dating would be ready to settle down with the right girl but you are distracting him!
One of the guys I was talking to told me that if I was a "sure thing" he'd break it off with his 20 year old but wanted to hold onto her "just in case" it didn't work out between us.
That's not how I work.
If you want to date me, date me. But when you've been with a girl for 2 years (yup! since she was 18!), you can't just test drive me to see if we would be a good fit and then go back to her if we aren't. Guys already can't focus well In a relationship- put a 20 year old in his path and it's not even a fair shot.
Another trend I've been noticing is guys who are single and looking and as soon as you start to make a real connection, they disappear! Then you see some post on Facebook or on Instagram and you realize they recently got back together with their ex! What the hell?
What is it about guys leading on someone great and having what seems like an awesome connection, only to realize they want back with the girl they were slamming all night last week? Was it me? Did I saw something or do something that made you think "Damn, dating really sucks! I miss my ex"?
I know I am an amazing catch and I just haven't found a guy who is willing to actually take the time to get to know me because there are young girls throwing themselves at guys my age; do they think they have money or something? Little do they know, most still live at home with their parents, have mediocre at best jobs (if they aren't working the unemployment funds) and are just as childish as the guys your own age!
I guess I have no choice but to keep waiting for my prince...
This was not meant to be some insightful, profound post; just ranting and rambling on my most recent experiences in dating.

6/8/14: Mr. Malibou

It's hard to find a mate. The older you get, the more complicated it is.
You no longer have a high school or college full of potentials ripe for the picking at any given time. You can't see the cliques and steer clear of the weirdos. When dating in the real world after 30, in the suburbs, you kind of have to take what is available. 
When you take what is available, you then have to worry if you are what they are looking for.
When I was younger and thinner in the small pond of high school, I had the confidence and self assurance of a super model. I assumed I was everyone's type and was convinced that every guy wanted me and every girl wanted to be me. Well, okay, not THAT confident but relatively speaking to where I am now, I feel like I SHOULD have been that confident.
Dating now, I don't only have my every extending list of requirements, pre-req's and deal breakers...I also now have to worry about the guy's lists. Are they into curvy girls who don't like putting clean laundry away? Or are they into the twiggy neat girls? I no longer feel that just because I meet a single guy that he will like me. Like meeting a single guy isn't hard enough, now I have to worry if I am his type too!
This past weekend I attended a 5 year old's birthday party. Since I hang out mostly with my best friend and her family most weekends, I attend a lot of birthday parties with them. I never have any expectations of meeting anyone at any of them since the majority that attend these things are parents; occasionally there is a cute uncle but usually with his fiance. The biggest advantage of going to these things single is talking and meeting new people. Perhaps one of them I meet will have a single friend they want to set me up with. This has yet to happen because well, like most people in the suburbs, they are all already taken!
There was an exception this past weekend however. While I was going to refill my wine (yes, the kids' parties almost always have some alcohol), Mr. Malibou was pouring a cup for himself. He filled up my friends and my cup and I introduced myself. With a simple introduction, we began a 3 hour conversation. I assumed he was a dad of one of the 30 kids there at first. I was pleasantly surprised when I found out he was the only other single person at the party and happened to come down because he was friends with the birthday girls' uncle. He lived on the lake which the party was held, so it was a quick, short drive down for him to attend at the park. He came for the free wine and ended up leaving with my number.
He had asked me to stay for the after party which was to be at the little girls' moms house on the lake. A little canoe ride or paddle boarding sounded like a lot of fun and very romantic but I had been driven by my friend and we already had plans after the party. Plus I think it would have sent the wrong message if I had stayed; especially since I barley knew the parents or uncle. He asked for my number which I felt sufficient to end our time with. Leaving it all in his hands.
I left contemplating if he had just amused me during the party because he too didn't know many people or because I was the only other single person..or if I was in fact his "type" and he actually liked me. As the hours drug on and on I tried to push him in the back of my mind so I could enjoy the rest of my evening. I checked my phone frequently, waiting for his text. Usually I would receive a text immediately from a guy. the night ended and still no text.
The next morning I arose and checked my phone. Still nothing. 
I had no way to get a hold of him to even spark interest if there wasn't much there for him yet. He didn't have a Facebook or anything.
Finally around noon there were pictures posted on the mom's Facebook page; there had been 3 pictures of us taken together; one where he put his arm around my shoulder, another we were smiling in the shade and another I noticed of us in the background laughing in conversation. It was a reminder to myself that it was in fact a good day and he genuinely appeared to like me. Right around the time I had noticed the photos posted, I get a text. :)
It was around 2:30 in the afternoon the day after we had met. My first response to him was an attempt to be light and flirty with, "What took you so long? ;)"
Soon after, we made plans to have dinner this week and go to a country music festival which is being held locally this Saturday. 
I am really hoping that this one lasts longer than 2 dates....
The fact he doesn't have a Facebook or Instagram is appealing to me. It takes me off the grid totally and allows for an actual "get to know you" session on our first date. I know very little about him still and can't "stalk" to get any insight into his personal life. I think this will make things more old fashioned and genuine. I am excited as I haven't had this since high school! With all the internet dating and Facebook stalking that goes on these days, I am really looking forward to just dating. Going off the grid is working for me so far, let's see where things go from here.


UPDATE: I met Mr. Malibou on a Wednesday evening after work. It took some digging for me to get him to open up as he was so quiet and reserved. I asked a bunch of questions and sort of felt like an interviewer digging for more than one word answers. He didn't take the reigns in anything during the date. When he arrived, I had been there about 10 minutes already. (He was late due to the hockey game on). I was sipping on a latte and asked him if he wanted to get something to drink. I was about done and wanted to switch over to a glass of wine. (We had planned on meeting for wine and a bite to eat.) He didnt' really say yes or no when I asked if he wanted something to drink but took it upon myself to walk him over to the inside portion of the restaurant where you order. I tried to make light conversation and ask about his wine preferences while he looked at the menu. He gave me nothing. I made small talk with the server behind the counter and asked her how to pronounce one I was looking at. Mr. Malibou seemed uninterested in my ability to whimsically converse with strangers. I chose a wine as did he and while he pulled out his wallet he finally uttered words. "I got it, don't worry". Since I apparently looked "worried" that he wouldn't cover the $8?
He didn't ask if I was hungry or anything the duration of our date. I was, but didn't say anything after he had told me he was living off unemployment and tried not to spend much money. Yet another 30+ living rent free with mom and dad, oh boy!


The scenery at the facility was very beautiful and I was hoping to get to walk around a little and make whitty, fun, light, flirty conversation much like we had at the party. This was not the case.
Mr. Malibou took the first table he saw right outside the busy doors of the restaurant and while I sat down, Mr. Malibou moved his seat further from mine and made a comment about the location being a gas station; an odd comment I thought, but I went with it since he was finally talking.
I know people enjoy talking about themselves, more so then hearing someone else ramble about theirs so I tried asking about him in many ways about his day first then about family, friends, hobbies etc. It wasn't until we got to his gluten free life and modified foods that he really opened up. Come to find out, he believes in conspiracy theories regarding the government modifying foods and poisoning us, even that the government can control the weather and our moods using chem trails. It was really interesting listening to him go on and on; I am not sure I believe in an of it but he seemed so passionate that I again went with it. We went an entire 2 hours without him asking a single thing about myself. We had talked about taking his parents electric boat out on the lake sometime and also made plans to go to a music festival on Saturday together. 11pm was approaching and it was time to leave finally. He asked if he could walk me to my car and when we got to it, he leaned in for a sweet, gentle peck on the lips. With that we shared giggly smiles as we both got into our respective vehicles. It was a nice ending to the date. When I got home, I texted him to let him know I had a nice evening. He responded with the same.
I didn't hear from him at all the following day.
The day after that, I texted to finalize plans for Saturday, simply asking "Are you still interested in going with me to the festival tomorrow? ;) ", thinking I would get an astounding "YES!" back from him. Instead what I received was, "I'm sorry. I'm no longer interested. It was nice meeting you."
What?
What could have happened between the nice peck and flirty smiles and my follow up text?
What I really wanted to do was ask him what had happened. Instead, I am left to wonder why.


I was finally looking past some of my past deal breakers to give a nice guy a shot and I get shot down. My fortune cookie today said "Your Love Life Will Be Happy And Harmonious" ...wish it said when because it is anything but right now!

All Or Nothing? 6/1/14: Mr. Wine Country

By now you know I am looking for the real deal. I am not dating to just hookup or play games. However, it seems that all I find are the guys who are looking for just a hookup or to "have fun" OR the guys who practically propose on a first date.
Does it have to be ALL OR NOTHING?

I met a guy while wine tasting last weekend; he was a designated driver with a company I had tried to book a week prior to no avail. While being drivin from winary to winery by aother company's driver, Mr. Wine Country jumped out of the car he was driving to take my friend and I's photo by the grapevines when he saw us taking selfies. He introduced himself and was VERY personable and outgoing. I recognized the name of his company and told him I thought I had his number in my phone. He told me to use it later that night so he could meet up with us.
While we were way too exhausted to go out after a full day of wine tasting, I did text him and he planned on meeting up in the morning before we left town.
He kept to his word and drove out to meet us for breakfast at our Inn. He was again very nice and knowledgeable about the Wine Country, wine making, good restaurants etc. in the area, which I expected in his line of work. I learned a little about him and what I heard I was liking. We texted all the way home. I was learning more and more and the more distance that seperated us, the more I realized he may have just been a birthday ego boost find and nothing more.

He was 41, was trying to apply to schools to go back for his BS, lived at home with his mother up in Wine Country; only drove on the weekends for extra cash and picked up odd/end jobs doing construction when he could. Never married, no kids and had a dream to start a small restuarant in Malibu and make his own wine. He was upfront about wanting a relationship with me and had a 3 year plan before he would be able to even think about possibly moving to my area.  He wanted to skip the dating and go straight to marriage. He was already talking about me moving up North to be closer to him while he went to school.

While I really like the enthusiasm, it is a red flag to me. I want someone who is into me a lot but so soon after meeting is a bit scary.

I am not ready to jump into a long distance relationship and definitely not ready to move for any man after meeting twice.

I drove up to Santa Barbara to meet him for a lovely date but after learning he has no money for gas to come down to meet me further, I don't think this will turn into a relationship. When he told me I had to call him because his data plan was used up for the month, it sort of sealed the deal for me. I don't need a rich man but I am used to a certain lifestyle and I have realized I have outgrown the lifestyle of my youth. If I am to go older by 9 years, he needs to be at my financial level at the very least. I do not want a forever student that I have to take care of financially. I don't want a man I can't text because he can't afford a better phone plan. I don't want a man that I have to drive 2 hours to see because he doesn't have the gas money to drive to see me.

While Mr. Wine Country may be a great success in 3+ years, at this point in my life I don't have the time to gamble on a maybe. I've gambled on men with the same name too many times now; I should know better than to wait around and hope.

Bring Back Chivalry

Morals, Respect, Chivalry...these things don't have to be dead people!
We can resuscitate them with a little practice.

I can across a blog this morning that had 10 Old-Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Bring Back and it got me thinking....why did these ever go away? Why don't men ask a girl out anymore or bring a girl flowers, open doors, ASK before touching? And the one that REALLY bothers me is calling it what it is! If you are spending time together, going out and getting to know one another with a mutual attraction; you are DATING. If neither of you are seeing other people, you are going steady or exclusive. Guys these days call it "hanging out" or "hooking up" or "chilling" or "meet up" and it's annoying!
If you get a moment, take a look at the blog for yourself to see the full list of dating habits we should bring back. The more eyes see it, the more likely we are to change the dating world! ;)

So Little Time!

"So many men, so little time" Is something a SEX IN THE CITY episode would say...here in the suburbs, I have so many plans, things to do, crafts and friends that I can barely find time to set a date for a date. My schedule the last few weeks has been so jam packed that I barely have enough time to breath let alone date. Now, don't get me wrong, I love all my plans and crafts; the problem however is it got me thinking....

If I can't even find the time to go on a date, how on Earth am I ever going to find the time for a relationship? I have become so set in my ways and used to planning for only myself and what I want to do that I don't know how anyone else will ever fit into my life at this point. Have I lost the ability to become flexible to someone else's needs?

I remember how it was when I was in a relationship and how open I was to doing whatever it was HE wanted to do. It was easy though because neither of us really had any friends other than each other. My life has changed drastically in the last few years, for the better...or so I thought. I have caught myself the past couple weeks (as my 32nd Birthday fast approaches), trying to talk myself into the idea of not finding a man or having babies and being okay with that. I don't fully believe it yet but I do see that I am becoming less and less hopeful.

They say that after 35 it starts becoming dangerous for myself and future offspring...I know a lot of women have children later in life and it's socially acceptable but it is not acceptable for my life plan that I've had since I was 5! I always wanted to have kids young and a lot of them. As I turn 32, my window is closing in daily. The older you are with dating, I see that relationships move quicker than when we were in our 20's but at this point I need to find a man; one that I actually approve of and love enough to actually have a child with (which has proven WAY harder than I ever thought possible), fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, buy a house...then have a baby, in that order, all within the next 3 years. I always wanted that timeline and to be able to enjoy each step. While it is possible it is not probable.

At what point do you give up on your dreams and be okay with a plan b?
I have wonderful family and friends surrounding me and I get to be an Auntie to so many of my friends' kids and they fill a little piece of my heart that can only be filled by children; another small piece of that puzzle is filled by knowing I've donated eggs successfully and there are children in this world because of me. If I never have my own to raise I will be okay...i think.

Sometimes I wish I was not so careful and smart. If I were to do one night stands or flings or hook-ups, I could have had a "mistake" by now. I could have fallen into a relationship with someone I thought was totally wrong for me but given a chance turned out to be the perfect guy. Have I missed opportunities by thinking too much? Do I need to lower my standards to get what I want and then is it even what I want at that point? Perhaps I've been too hurt by men in my life that I am incapable of thinking any of them measure up and will be good fathers. Maybe my deep seeded issues are finally catching up with me and I am just doomed.....

Self Realizations: Part 1

Abandonment Issues

I never thought or wanted to be a victim of anything, let alone a mental issue! Once a friend pointed out that she recently realized she had severe abandonment issues herself, it got me thinking. We both had similarities in how we were raised and grew up. After our conversation I looked online at the symptoms and characteristics of a person with abandonment issues and I "passed" the test with flying colors. 

Since I was 11, there has been an amazing male role model and dad in my life. My past was just that and I didn't think about it often. I never considered myself to have "daddy-issues" or any issues from the way I was raised. My mom did everything she could for us and I think considering the circumstances, I had an amazing childhood. Sure, I was a latch-key kid and there were problems with my real father but I felt normal(ish). Never once as an adult did I think I had any emotional scaring or baggage that would lead me to issues with dating or men. Everyone has their issues and baggage and I didn't think I was any more damaged then the next person.

The moment I realized I actually did have deep down issues and was more damaged than the normal person, I tried to examine my dating life in a new perspective to find what it was that was keeping me from finding my Mr. Right and making terrible choices.

A big one is that I don't feel I deserve a really amazing guy. I want to think I know that I DO deserve but deep down I know I feel like I don't. That wasn't confusing or anything, was it? LOL

I always think that the good ones will find me too damaged eventually so I leave before they have the oppurtunity to.

I stay in bad relationships far too long because I think I can fix them! If I stay in a little longer, it will somehow magically heal me inside because it would be a metaphor to fix my abandonment problems. Like, I wasn't able to fix my biological father from abandoning me/us but if I could fix this relationship without it ending or me pulling out, all would be fixed.  It might not be with the best guy but it has been with guys I felt I deserved.

Its tough to examine yourself and your bad dating habits! To make realizations and say them out loud...I do believe it is just step 1 into making real changes and creating new habits that are healthier. Just a few days into my cleanse and already I am feeling like I am making progress.....

5/20/14: Mr. Yearly

Since I've been off the grid (for a whole 3 days!)...I still have a few guys on the roster to get through. That sounds terrible, right? "To get through"? Wow.

Mr. Yearly and I had met on MATCH almost exactly a year ago. At that time his car was having issues and he did not have any transportation to meet up. He ride his bike a couple miles to work and didn't have much of a social life. While I found him attractive in the looks dept. I pretty much had written him off due to the fact I didn't want to be his chauffeur.

When he popped up on the Tinder app a few weeks ago, he looked familiar so I swiped right and we had matched. He started messaging me through the app and we realized we still had each others phone numbers in our phones so we started to text. Turns out he now has a motorcyle and we decided to meet for one drink on a Tuesday night.

The place we decided to meet at was totally dead! It made it a little awkward but gave us the opportunity to talk easily. Mr. Yearly mumbles and I had to strain to hear him; he had one wonky tooth that stuck out form the others which I found to be distracting. We talked mostly about children, which was weird but I was fine with. Nieces, Nephews, babysitting, friends' kids, dating people with kids, stay at home dads...
We also talked about dating as you get older and the Tinder app. He had roomates who also used the app and what he told me was eye opening.

His buddies used it when they were bored and even if they were into a girl, they found the app too tempting to stop! So, rather than being focused on the girl they liked and found to be as a potential for more, they couldn't give their full focus because there were girls on the app who may be easier and men being men, they kept juggling more and more women becuase it was an ego booster and the girls that could have been more became lost in the shuffle. This made TOTAL sense to me because well, men are pigs...and I feel I have been that girl that got lost in the shuffle! I didn't understand at the time why the guys always seem to disappear after a great date or start to text less and less but it totally makes sense now!
 
The date wasn't terrible but there also was no real spark. He reminded me of the kind of guy I would have ended up with if I had grown up in Torrance. A grease monkey who works on cars but can't afford a car himself. He lived with his parents in Simi Valley and while I am not a princess, I do expect to have a certain lifestyle even if I have to work for it myself. A seemingly nice guy but there was not even the desire to kiss him at the end of our date. We exchange an awkward hug after he put on his heavy, hard motorcylce jacket (he rode a 600, whatever that means) and said goodnight as we walked to our separate vehicles.

Once he got to his destination, he texted me that he had a great time.  The next morning he texted to say good morning...While I am pleasant and respond, I think he might get lost in my shuffle and busy schedule. Maybe I will hear from him a year from now and he will be better...?

Off The Grid: A Dating Cleanse

I enjoy writing lists; for everything! From a simple grocery list to packing lists for trips, favorite karaoke songs to sing, timelines for parties, etc. I realized I have a problem however when I had to start writing out a list of the guys I was talking to in order to keep track. I had their names, their phone numbers and any information that would allow me to remember who was who, such as age, location, job or a physical trait that I remembered. This past Friday I had a current list of 20 men. 5 had been crossed out as potentials that week after I had met and realized there was nothing worth considering long term. I left work on Friday with 15 still on the list. 

The last 2 guys I had met up with knew upfront my stand on getting too physical too quickly and both had still tried to make a pass and made me uncomfortable. This only increased my thoughts that men on the dating sites were only after one thing, even if they pretended they were on the same page! Even the ones I had met that said they were looking for a relationship had only shown their true colors after a few dates and ended up being emotionally damaged, incapable of having a relationship OR creepy/stalker types.

I also made the realization that I wasn't dating to find a potential life mate either, but once again dating for just entertainment. I was bored and had grown even more jaded and picky. It was a numbers game at this point in my life and I was in such a hurry to obtain as many names/numbers as possible in a desperate hope to just get attention and to fill in my down time with something to do in order to not look at the real problem(s) in my own life.

It wasn't even online dating anymore, but an even more convenient, take with you anywhere APP. We don't even call it an application, but abbreviate it to APP; our conversations are abbreviated and we have become lazy with our dating. There is a problem here. I need to change something in my life, become more active in my choosing a mate and not allowing my life to be ruined by apps and lists. I need to take a step away from the online and app dating in order to find myself again and pin point my own issues as to why I may be so picky, jaded or not allowing myself to really get serious about finding Mr. Right.

After a long conversation with my bestie, we decided to DELETE the apps and the profiles and get OFF THE GRID for awhile. There is no one on those sites that I would actually find myself falling in love with; everyone is on there for different reasons but finding a life long, real deal love seems to not be one of them. I've had many many experiences and I am glad I did it but it is time to let love find me. We are giving it 3 months with no online or app meeting/dating; she doesn't think I can make it.

What will become of my dating life while off the grid? Is it even possible in this day and age? They say everyone is online now and if you want to meet anyone, you have to be as well. I believed this to be true for too many years now and the only 2 guys in the last year that lasted more then 2 dates had been with men I met randomly in real life. This tells me that it is still possible and I need to explore this old school option if I want to find a man with old school morals and characteristics that I want. I need to re-examine myself; what I want, why I do what I do, etc. This experiment seems even stranger than my 100 dates in a year thing for some reason, and it shouldn't. I almost feel like I am embarking on a juice cleanse or fasting. Kind of makes sense because I am hoping I will come out of this stronger and healthier (in myself and in dating)

5/17/14: Mr. Piano Man, Round 2

I had met up with Mr. Piano Man during one of my triple booked evenings, after weeks of texting. I had met him randomly and in real life, not on an app or dating site. I found him extremely adorable and sexy and oh so talented! While I didnt think anything was really there romantically, he has been texting me ever since our date. While he lives pretty far from me in the city, he does work at a restaurant as the entertainment every now and then. When he is near, we try to meet up if our schedules allow.

It was a Saturday night and my friends and I were just hanging at a house, drinking wine, talking and playing pool. It was a totally casual evening and Mr. Piano Man was in town so I decided to invite him over. I was not in a mood (nor was I sober) to drive to meet him. To my surprise, he wants to come to the house and just hang out with me and my friends! He gets tot he house and walks in, he melds very well with the group and is personable, funny, charming, etc. He fits in nicely. When everyone gets tired and starts to peel off to go to bed one at a time, Mr. Piano Man still looks comfortable. We start a game of pool, just the two of us and things start to heat up.

Having had probably one too many glasses of some kind of vodka-gatorade (or whatever we had for mixer), I allow a little too much than I normally would have, but it wasn't a first date and the only thing keeping me from really liking Mr. Piano Man is my own thought that I am not good enough for him. I've been making excuses in my head; "I'm not skinny enough for him", "he is too talented to like me", "he is probably just bored and wasting time with me until he finds someone better", "he is just going to run off and be uber famous someday and will have his pick of girls!" ...

“We accept the love we think we deserve."

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The quote is so true and hits home on this one! I KNOW that I should think I deserve more but how do you actually change your way of thinking? I am holding myself back from many opportunities because deep down I don't think I deserve a good guy. This could stem from issues I haven't fully explored yet but hope to during an "OFF THE GRID" phase of dating I am considering.

Mr. Piano Man is actually making the effort to keep in contact with me and trying to plan our next date. He liked my friends and is talking about trying to drive up to where we are camping this weekend to hang for a few hours before he has to work in the evenings; I don't think I really believe that he likes me yet but I am trying!

Effort

Men, a little effort goes a long way! 

If the woman in your life is telling you exactly what she wants or needs, listen! This is her way of saying she needs more effort from you and she is trying to help you;to give you a roadmap to what it is she is looking for.

If she is doing this for you, it is not to criticize or belittle the efforts you may (or may not) be making, but rather to assist you in your quest to make her happy. Think of it as giving you a Christmas wish list list rather than letting you fend for the perfect present all on your own.

Woman, we need to out in effort as well. Effort to look good for out man, listen to his rambling about work or sports, effort to not talk as much as we probably want to because he doesn't care or listen anyhow...effort to make decisions because they hate when we can't make up our minds all the time...

I recently contemplated recycling Mr. Four seasons. I had a weak moment and slightly opened the possibility the other night to him. While I haven't physically seen him, there has been some flirty texts and calls, however his schedule is still too crazy for him to carve out anytime before 10pm for me. I don't feel that a late night hang at his place is putting in any effort that would transition to anything more than what we had which was me being bored and him getting his way. I told him point blank that I needed more effort from him. His form of effort was asking me over. The simple offer to drive the 10 minutes to my place wasn't even something he could do. He felt justified that he had done his part by simpley inviting me over. 

I knew once there we wouldn't talk, we wouldn't do much of anything but watch tv in bed and fall asleep. There is no way I am starting things up again to just leave off where things ended. I need and deserve more. 

A text to say you're thinking of me.

This takes mere seconds and can be done from practically anywhere yet shows a girl that you care! I don't care who you are or how busy your schedule is, this one should be a no brainer!

Drive to her. I don't care if it's the first date or you've been dating for months; the guy should make the effort to drive to the woman! In my situation with Mr. Four Seasons, if he wants to start things back up, he should be making the effort as if it is brand new and he isn't. 

Flowers.

Even the girl who says she doesn't like flowers, likes flowers. You don't have to remember her favorite type or spend a small fortune on an elaborate bouquet. A girl like me likes the hand picked, stolen from the neighbors garden kind of flowers. It just has to be a simple gesture that means you are putting effort into the relationship. I've had guys bring me plastic gas station flowers, I've gotten single red rose from a first date, the ones who found snap dragons for me (my personal fav), guys who have sent me bouquets at work, even one who gave me pots, soil and bulbs to plant with him so we could watch them grow together. While he didn't last till that spring, the effort they all made to make me smile will forever be with me. 

Sidebar to the flowers; don't just do it when she is upset! The just because I'm thinkin about you flowers are where the real effort to keep the romance in the relationship lie!

Spend time.

We are ALL busy. It is making the effort to spend the time you do have with the girl count. Woman just want to feel wanted in my opinion. You need to find what it is she needs during the time you spend with her. Does she need to talk? Does she need to be held? Does she need you to be a man and take her upstairs? It depends on the woman and her mood and you only learn is by spending time with her.

While I did not give into Mr. Four Seasons and his request for me to drive over to see him tonight, I did learn that he was not and will not make any effort to keep me around even after I've told him exactly what it is I needed without him having to do any of the leg work. He is a sweet guy and will be a great husband and father someday to someone perhaps a little less needy than myself (although I don't think I am too demanding or needy, he seems to think I am). 

He has frustrated me more than anyone I've ever met, and I'm sure I've frustrated him on more then one occasion. We don't see eye to eye on anything yet we both have this attraction to one another. I believe my attraction is more of a forecast of what I think he can and will be like in the future, as opposed to what and who he actually is. This is the wrong way to see anyone though and I need to just see what is here in front of me and not what I think or want to see! This was the same reason I was in a 7 years on/off relationship with me ex. I wanted so badly the future I had in my head I was willing to put up with a crappy present for something that was not guaranteed! 

Ladies, try to see what is in front of you. If he isn't making the effort at the beginning, he isnt going to make it, period!